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True Sacrafice-chapter 1



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Thu May 27, 2010 8:27 pm
eldEr says...



CHAPTER 1

The black-haired guard sneers at me, eyes blazing with his blood-lust. “Her life for all of yours,” he sneers, gesturing towards a trembling Jesse with his right hand.

My heart pounds violently, the sudden silence ringing in my ears. Six sets of eyes are on me, nervously awaiting my decision; the decision that would seal their fate. I steal a quick glance at Jesse, our eyes lock for a moment before I turn my head away in shame. She is mute, but I know what she wants. Her soft, green eyes all but beg me to give her up; to save the others and assure our freedom. But how can I?

“Well?” the guard prompts. “It's one life for four,” he reminds me, voice low and menacing. A shiver runs down my spine.

I look to my sister, Rebecca, for help. She is easily the wisest of us all, surely she knows what to do? But her eyes are blank and I know that for once, she is unsure. I am on my own to make this decision, to decide what happens to all of us. I must decide who lives and dies. I'm slowly drowning under the pressure.

“Surely, she isn't of much use. She can't speak, and she's rather dull to look at,” the guard hisses. If he hopes to make up my mind, it isn't working.

I stare at the dark walls for a long time. They are grey, damp, cold- lifeless. They have also been what conceals us here, serving as our cage for twelve months. For one year, we have lived here together. One year has driven my love for Jesse to a bursting point.

“Come boy, you must decide.” The guard is growing impatient. His nearly black eyes are penetrating my very soul. I shudder and return my gaze to Jesse.

For the first time today, I speak. “She can't speak, but I don't care. She is plain, but she's beautiful,” she smiles at this and my stomach churns uneasily, much as it always does when she smiles, “She means more to me than anything else.” My eyes are growing misty and I fear I may start to sob right here in front of the guard. I simply can't show weakness.

No, don't sacrifice the others to save me. Give me up. They are her unspoken words. But I can't. I can't give her up, not now and not ever. Perhaps if I gave her up and killed myself to be with her... No, that isn't what she would want. I discard the idea.

“I don't care what you think of her!” The guard shouts at me. “I want to know if you'll give her up to save your beloved sister and friends!”

I don't remove my gaze from Jesse. I'm waiting for her answer, anything that will help me decide.

She clears her throat to get my attention. Please, just give me up. Let them take me. She mouths the words perfectly and there is a horrified gasp from Carmen. It goes unnoticed.

I swallow. It's what she wants, I have to respect her wishes. “T-take..” I stop, unable to continue. I can't believe the words I'm about to say. I've never felt so horrid in my whole life.

The guard flashes a wicked grin, exposing two rows of crooked, rotting teeth. His breath is so foul, I nearly gag. “Take her?” he asks, rising to his feet, knees cracking with the sudden shift of weight.

I can only close my eyes and nod. It's all I can do to keep myself from crying out. I listen to the guard pull Jesse to her feet by her hair. Arms wrap themselves around me and I can hear Rachel's quiet sobs. I put my arms around my dear sister and run a hand soothingly through her hair. I'm trying to remain strong for her sake. Jesse had been her friend as much as she had been my lover.

Another guard pulls us apart and I open my eyes. “Stand up,” he hisses. I obey, helping Rachel to her feet. I fail to notice the the tears streaming down my cheeks. I haven't been as strong as I had first assumed.

Carmen appears suddenly at my side, crying quietly. “I can't believe she's willing to be tortured to save us,” she murmurs, grabbing at my hand.

I say nothing. Oh Jesse, I'm so sorry. Forgive me. I pray silently. We're creeping up the stairs at Jesse's heals. The only sounds are our feet against the damp stone and the odd sob. A heavy oppression smothered me; I don't fight it.

We stop at the top of the stairs for a moment as the guard fumbles with the key ring around his wrist. James begins to whimper beside me and I put a hand on his tiny shoulder. He has seen more in his six years than most elders see in their entire lives.

Finally the door opens and we all blink against the sudden light. The guard behind us pushes us through the door and into the small dome. The dome that separates us from the arena by only metal bars. My panic is overwhelming, the guilt even worse.

Jesse turns and throws herself into my arms, wetting my top with her tears. My heart is racing and my stomach lurches. I stop holding back and I let my own tears cascade down my cheeks. “I-I'm so, so sorry Jesse,” I sputter through sobs. I bury my head in her hair.

Jesse pulls back, lifting my head gently with her hands. She swallows and shakes her head at me. No, I want this. She mouths. I love you, please don't be sorry.

It's too much. I sink to the ground, pulling her down with me. My hand runs through her strawberry-red hair and I kiss her forehead repeatedly. The others don't dare interrupt us. Jesse reaches into her pocket, pulling out the small stone pendant I had given her three days before our capture. She presses it firmly into my hand, which wraps around its smooth surface. On the front, I had carved a small pair of intertwined hands; the symbol of love. On the back there are two roses as a border and Jesse's name between.

I begin to weep harder. “Jesse, please, please stay with me,” I beg her. She shakes her head sadly, tears still running down her cheeks. She leans over and kisses my lips hard, sending a wave of warmth through my body. I return the kiss, willing it to last forever. I pull away and gaze into her eyes. I have one last thing to ask her before she goes. "Jesse," I pause and swallow my tears, "marry me," I beg her. I know it can't happen, but all I need is an answer. A smile spreads across her face and she squeals in delight. I pull her close again, my lips close to her ear. "That's a yes then?"

She nods and throws herself at me, laughing and crying all at the same time. I hold her close and rest my head in her hair, weeping. I kiss her again for the last time; long and sweet.

The guard pulls her away much too soon and I reach out to take her back. Our fingers brushing against each other is the last time we ever touch, she is already through the bars and the gate is being closed. I rush to it, clinging to the cold metle bars, begging to be taken in her place. The crowd is roaring their approval and my pleas are squandered. I watch in rage as the black-haired guard raises his hands to silence the crowd. I rise to my feet, trembling violently and take James' small hand in my own. A guard stops us, he's already been arguing with Carmen and Rachel. They are both on the ground, weeping. "You are ordered to stay and watch the execution. May it be a lesson to all of you."

I'm horrified beyond comprehension. How can I watch her die? "I-I can't!" My eyes are growing wide and the guard is smirking. I have the urge to hit him, to make him hurt.

"You don't have a choice." His smirk broadens and he pushes us back to the gate. The crowd is still cheering and the man is still trying in vain to quiet them. He cracks his whip a few times to get their attention. I am back on my knees, clinging to the bars and weeping for what's going to come.

When the noise subsides, he begins this tirade. “Jesse, age seventeen is being executed today for crimes against the empire!” His voice is filled with lust and shivers run down my spine. “Thievery and murder are her charges. She killed Prince Dellan in his sleep by slitting his throat. She is also a rumoured sorceress. No punishment is great enough! What will her fate be?”

I fall to my knees, still gripping the bars as the crowd begins to chant, “The tigers! The tigers!” My vision is blurred by my tears. The tigers are amongst the most brutal punishments. This couldn't be happening. She never laid a hand on the prince, nor was she a sorceress. The accusations were false, yet she was going to die for them.

“Oh Jesse, please no!” I scream, but it is once again drowned out by the crowd's applause. My whole body is trembling. My shoulders heave with sobs as I watch them bind Jesse's wrists with thick rope. They give her the customary five feet of length and tie the other end to a large wooden post that's staked into the ground at the centre of the arena.

Rachel and Carmen are both on the ground, holding each other and sobbing. I ave nobody to hold, nobody to look to for comfort. Tiny James is suddenly at my side, holding onto me for dear life. He knows what's going to happen; we all do. I wrap my arms around him, thankful to finally have somebody to hold near at last.

Finally satisfied with the knots, the guard nods to a slave boy who hands him a long whip and scampers off. The guard raises the whip above his head and brings it back down on Jesse's back with a loud crack. My whole body jerks with the sound. I watch helplessly as Jesse's back arches and she screams out in pain. I shudder and new tears roll down my cheeks. James echoes Jesse's screams and buries his face into my shirt. The crowd cheers their approval. I hate them, all of them.

This happens again and again until Jesse has received thirty scars to her back and ten to her chest and belly. Blood has drenched her clothes and is forming pools of crimson on the ground. It's too much, it's all too much. She's on her knees, quivering in fear and pain. The guard struts back to us proudly, his whip dripping with fresh blood. The corners of his lips are twitching in a satisfied smirk.

“Here, have some of your precious love,” he snarls, running a hand along the tip of his whip until it's covered in crimson blood. He smears it across my cheek and walks away, back through the dungeon door.

I shove James off my lap quickly and lean over, spilling what little contents my stomach contained onto the dusty ground. Rachel wraps her arms around me again and begins weeping uncontrollably.

I look back out into the arena. Jesse is back on her feet, stooped over and breathing heavily. Our eyes meet and she smiles at me one last time. My resolve completely disappears then. “Jesse, I love you!” I'm hollering it over and over again at the top of my lungs and my throat is growing raspy. I expect laughter from the crowd, but they surprise me by swooning pitifully. It's not even mocking.

The guard is mysteriously back in the arena, both hands raised to again silence the crowd. “Shall her lover join her in death?” He cries out. I tense up, awaiting their answer. Part of me wants them to say yes.

They hiss and boo. “He's been through enough!” They shout. The guard doesn't look happy, his grin has faded into a frown.

Two tigers are released into the arena and they begin to slink towards their easy target. Jesse backs up, leaning against the wooden post. I watch in shock and horror as she opens her mouth and cries out clear as day, “You are forgiven and I love you Jax!”

I can't believe my ears. The crowd gasps in astonishment and the girls mouths drop open in shock. Jesse had been mute since birth. How...?

The tigers, however, aren't so amazed. I watch helplessly as one pounces, landing on top of Jesse. She struggles and it claws at her face, growling loudly. The second tiger lets out a loud roar and grabs Jesse's arm in its mouth. I look away, burying my head in my hands. I can't watch any longer. The last thing I hear are Jesse's screams and the tiger's roars. Even the crowd is silent now. They're still dumb-struck by what happened earlier.

Something inside of me is breaking and I'm sure it was more than just my heart. I risk a peek through the bars to see one tiger licking Jesse's arm. The other is dragging the rest of her body to the other side of the arena. I air-heave, I have nothing left to throw up. I close my eyes and yank at my hair, crying out in rage and sorrow. It's the only sound here, everybody hears it. Finally I let my screams subside and I resort to muttering Jesse's name over and over again. The nearest Patrons hear and risk a word of encouragement.

I don't dare lift my head again. I fear that if I do, I will die of guilt and overwhelming grief. I bang my fist on the ground repeatedly. She's gone, she's really, truly gone.

~*~

When it's all finally over, a fearful-looking slave girl with chocolate brown eyes and a mop of black hair atop her head scurries over to me. I'm still sobbing as she enters and she wraps a thin, battered blanket around my shoulders. “Thar, thar now,” she cooes softly. Her voice is sweet and she has a heavy accent I can't place. She takes my hand in hers. “Take wot ye can, wot's lef' of 'er.” She leads me into the arena and releases my hand, taking a step back. She understands that I need to be alone now.

I stumble over to the wooden post and fall to my knees, once again in tears.”Oh Jesse,” is all I manage to say. I repeat it over and over again because nothing comes to mind. “My beautiful Jesse.”

I feel the slave place a gentle hand on my shoulder and I make no effort to shove her away. “'Ere, I managed ta grab some o' 'er dress. Take it now. Thar, see?” She presses a small piece of purple cloth into my hand. The edges are caked with dried blood. “Does ya know what da colour pu'ple means?” she asks quietly. I shake my head. I don't know much of anything. “It means royalty it does.” She smiles at me, her eyes sympathetic. She's young, maybe eleven or twelve.

“Thank you,” I murmur, clutching the precious piece of material in my fist before I burst yet again into helpless sobs.

Somebody taps my shoulder and I turn to see Carmen. Her face is wet with tears, her eyes sad. “We are free to go,” she murmurs, her blue eyes tearing up.

The slave and Rachel help me to my feet and place my arms around their shoulders. I take one last look at the post and the rope that bound her hands. It hangs there as if nothing has happened. I want to scream. You are forgiven and I love you, Jax. The words twirl around my head alongside fond and horrid memories alike. The sweet sound of her voice will haunt me forever.
Last edited by eldEr on Mon May 31, 2010 5:19 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Thu May 27, 2010 9:24 pm
sarebear says...



Hi Isha,

First of all this is great! I feel the emotions very clearly. A few nitpicks:

I steal a quick glance at Jesse, our eyes lock for a moment before I turn my head away in shame. She was mute, but I know what she wanted. Her soft, green eyes all but begged me to give her up; to save the others and assure our freedom. But how could I?
Here you slip out of present tense. You mean: "She is mute, but I know what she wants. Her soft, green eyes all but beg me to give her up..."

No, don't sacrifice the others to save me. Give me up. They are her unspoken words. But I can't. I can't give her up, not now and not ever. Perhaps if I gave her up and killed myself to be with her... No, that isn't what she would want. I discard the idea.
You should mark "No, don't sacrifice the others to save me. Give me up." either make it in italics or quotes.

She clears her throat to get my attention. Please, just give me up. Let them take me. She mouths the words perfectly and there is a horrified gasp from Carmen. It goes unnoticed.
same thing as above.

I say nothing. Oh Jesse I'm so sorry. Forgive me. I pray silently. We're creeping up the stairs at Jesse's heals. The only sounds are our feet against the damp stone and the odd sob. A heavy oppression smothered me; I don't fight it.
again, here you should italicize the mc's thoughts. Later in the paragraph you slip into past tense. You meant: "A heavy oppression smothers me; I don't fight it." Also, you meant "We're creeping up the stairs at Jesse's heels."

Jesse pulls back, lifting my head gently with her hands. She swallows and shakes her head at me. No, I want this. She mouths. I love you, please don't be sorry.
You should put quotes around: "No, I want this...I love you, please don't be sorry."

clinging to the cold mettle bars,
typo--you meant metal bars.

I ave nobody to hold, nobody to look to for comfort. Tiny James is suddenly at my side, holding onto me for dear life.
you meant "I have"

Rachel waraps her arms around me again and begins weeping uncontrolably.
wraps and uncontrollably are misspelt.

Nitpicks aside, this is amazing. I really like the slave girl and her accent, and the purple dress. And I like how the crowd's reactions changed. This is a somewhat new version of a pretty classic story. I'll be interested to see where it goes!

Sarebear
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a psychologist.
  





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Fri May 28, 2010 1:33 am
eldEr says...



Thanks sare! I've fixed it up now :D
Is there anything else?
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Fri May 28, 2010 9:15 pm
Sins says...



Isha, you man.
Here to review, duh. :smt001

She is mute, but I know what she wants.

You don't need this comma here.

I look to my sister, Rebecca, for help.


She is easily the wisest of us all, surely she knows what to do?


I must decide who lives and dies. I'm slowly drowning under the pressure.

I liked this, it made me go Dun.. Dun... Dun in my head. :)

“Surely, she isn't of much use. She can't speak, and she's rather dull to look at,” the guard hisses. If he hopes to make up my mind, it isn't working.


I stare at the dark walls for a time.

I think you should be more specific. Maybe say 'for a short time' or 'for a long time'. If you do that, it makes time feel special... :)

They are grey, and damp, and cold, and lifeless.

I think that this would actually be better if you wrote it like this, They are grey, damp, cold, lifeless. By getting rid of the and's, it emphasizes the emotive language. It's a lot more effective. Plus I'm surprised you spelt grey the way you did, considering you're from Canada. I thought you Canadians and Americans spelt it like, gray? Sorry... that's off topic.

His breath is so foul, I nearly gag.


It's all I can do to keep myself from crying out.


Oh Jesse, I'm so sorry.


On the front, I had carved a small pair of intertwined hands; the symbol of love.


I return the kiss, willing it to last forever.


I rush to it, clinging to the cold metal bars, begging to be taken in her place.


“Thievery and murder are her charges. She killed Prince Dellan in his sleep by slitting his throat. She is also a rumoured sorceress. No punishment is great enough! What will her fate be?

I sense tigers... hehe...

“The tigers! The tigers!” My vision is blurred by my tears.

Wow. That is an amazing idea. Where did you get that idea from...? :smt003 Is she still getting tied to a post...?

“Oh Jesse, please no!” I scream, but it is once again drowned out by the crowds applause.


They give her the customary five feet of length and tie the other end to a large wooden post that's staked into the ground at the centre of the arena.

Yay! :D

I have nobody to hold, nobody to look to for comfort.


Finally satisfied with the knots, the guard nods to a slave boy, who hands him a long whip and scampers off.

You don't need the second comma here.

“Here, have some of your precious love,” he snarls, running a hand along the tip of his whip until it's covered in crimson blood. He smears it across my cheek and walks away, back through the dungeon door.

C***

Rachel wraps her arms around me again and begins weeping uncontrollably.


Our eyes meet and she smiles at me one last time.


They hiss and boo. “He's been through enough!” They shout. The guard doesn't look happy, his grin has faded into a frown.

Gutted!!!!

Jesse backs up, leaning against the wooden post.


I watch in shock and horror as she opens her mouth and cries out clear as day, “You are forgiven and I love you Jax!

My best friend's name. 8)

The tigers, however, aren't so amazed. I watch helplessly as one pounces, landing ontop of Jesse.

On top is two words. :wink:

The second tiger lets out a loud roar and grabs Jesse's arm in its mouth.


Something inside of me is breaking and I'm sure it was more than just my heart.

I liked this line.

I fear that if I do, I will die of guilt and overwhelming grief.


I take one last look at the post and the rope that hangs lazily from it as though resting after it's gruesome task.

This was phrased kind of awkwardly... maybe you could try rephrasing it so that it's easier to understand.


Overall

I thought that this was good! I love how you absolutely tortured your characters, I'm depressing like that. There was a lot of emotion in this and some of your descriptions were really good. I got a good sense of what was happening and how it was happening. Your grammar was pretty good and your spelling was too. I noticed that you had a few typos, but that's okay. :wink: It was also an interesting chapter as a whole. Plus, this seems like a very original idea so far. I also liked your characters, although I do have something to critique about one of me them. Dun, dun, dun. I bet you're scared now.

Basically, I thought your MC was a girl until you mentioned her being Jesse's lover. Trust me, when you're a girl, it is painfully hard to write in the point of view as a guy and make it completely believable. That's the problem that I seem to have often, considering I'm one of those weird people who write in the point of view of guys. To be honest, I can't really suggest how to make your character seem more guyish. I mean, I'm not a dude after all. One thing I will suggest though is to maybe try and change Jax's dialogue a bit. For example, this is one of the things that makes him rather girly.

“She is mute, but she doesn't need words. She is plain, but she is beautiful,” she smiles at... “She means more to me than anything.”


As much as I would love guys to speak like that... they don't. I haven't heard many guys call a girl beautiful, not to someone else besides their girlfriend anyway. The last thing Jax says especially sounds like something a girl would say. Hm... I'm not entirely sure what to suggest. Maybe you could simply say something like, 'She's amazing, she's perfect'. I don't know... :lol: Sorry I'm not helping you here! It's seriously hard as a girl to give advice on how a guy thinks...

My only other critique is kind of about the other characters, I guess. Well, the guards anyway. I really liked your descriptions of the guards, you did that very well. I just think that it was kind of weird how Jax and everyone else watched Jesse get killed. Surely, if they had the choice, they wouldn't have watched it? I'm assuming that the guards gave them no choice though. If that's true, you should really mention this. Maybe you could just include a bit of dialogue where Jax refuses to watch his lover get killed. Then the guards tell him that he has to, otherwise his friends will also get killed. Something like that, anyway. Maybe you could even make it so that Jax wants to watch it. Not for the thrill of it, obviously. He wants to watch it because he feels guilty about what happened and thinks that he deserves to be punished emotionally. It could also be because he wants to see Jesse's last moments, considering he loves her so much. Do you get what I mean? I think that you should clear that up a bit. :wink:

Negatives aside, I really did think that this was good! You used lots of emotive language, which was very effective. Plus, it probably would have made me feel worse if I wasn't in a weird, happy mood and it hadn't reminded me about our conversation in chat about tigers killing people... Some of your descriptions were very good and they definitely helped make your piece more emotional. I am confident in saying that you are definitely a talented writer, Isha! I'd love to be as good as you! All that you need to do is take into account what I've said and maybe edit this up a bit. If you do that, you will not just have a good piece of writing here; you will have a great piece of writing! :D

Keep writing and good luck with this!

xoxo Rhian

(Jeff says hi)
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Sun May 30, 2010 5:27 am
jemjive says...



Intertwined hands the symbol of love. Wonder where you got that from Isha... :mrgreen:
Same with the slave's accent. :P

Over all I really like this story, the torturing was kind of awesome. You never really read much of that in stories, and like Skins, I'm depressing like that. The emotions in this story are extremely strong and clear, straight forwrd but not at all blunt. Sort of like the perfect amount of intensity. Nitpick wise, people have already picked them out and you have already corrected most of them. I didn't really see any more of them. I have read your other works and they are great too. I can truthfully say that you have got a serious talent here and it is going to take you places. I can't wait to read the more of this novel!
-Jordy
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Mon May 31, 2010 4:46 pm
eldEr says...



Thanks yous guyses.
Skins, once again I was laughing my head off at your review xD
My wonderful cousin has given me an amazing idea to add.... so I will do that xD
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Tue Oct 18, 2011 11:28 pm
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AlmondEyes says...



Whoa man!!! this story was freaking crazy!!!! i absolutely loved it!!
Finally satisfied with the knots, the guard nods to a slave boy who hands him a long whip and scampers off. The guard raises the whip above his head and brings it back down on Jesse's back with a loud crack. My whole body jerks with the sound. I watch helplessly as Jesse's back arches and she screams out in pain. I shudder and new tears roll down my cheeks. James echoes Jesse's screams and buries his face into my shirt. The crowd cheers their approval. I hate them, all of them.

This happens again and again until Jesse has received thirty scars to her back and ten to her chest and belly. Blood has drenched her clothes and is forming pools of crimson on the ground. It's too much, it's all too much. She's on her knees, quivering in fear and pain. The guard struts back to us proudly, his whip dripping with fresh blood. The corners of his lips are twitching in a satisfied smirk.


i have to say, if i was gonna torture someone, whipping woukd be a good way to do it, but damn!!! jesse got it bad.

“Here, have some of your precious love,” he snarls, running a hand along the tip of his whip until it's covered in crimson blood. He smears it across my cheek and walks away, back through the dungeon door.


i read this part and was all like 'i know he di-int!!!"

Something inside of me is breaking and I'm sure it was more than just my heart. I risk a peek through the bars to see one tiger licking Jesse's arm. The other is dragging the rest of her body to the other side of the arena. I air-heave, I have nothing left to throw up. I close my eyes and yank at my hair, crying out in rage and sorrow. It's the only sound here, everybody hears it. Finally I let my screams subside and I resort to muttering Jesse's name over and over again. The nearest Patrons hear and risk a word of encouragement.

I don't dare lift my head again. I fear that if I do, I will die of guilt and overwhelming grief. I bang my fist on the ground repeatedly. She's gone, she's really, truly gone.


ok, at this part i had my hand over my mouth. you really showed emotion in this. it was absolutely amazing.

I stumble over to the wooden post and fall to my knees, once again in tears.”Oh Jesse,” is all I manage to say. I repeat it over and over again because nothing comes to mind. “My beautiful Jesse.”
The slave and Rachel help me to my feet and place my arms around their shoulders. I take one last look at the post and the rope that bound her hands. It hangs there as if nothing has happened. I want to scream. You are forgiven and I love you, Jax. The words twirl around my head alongside fond and horrid memories alike. The sweet sound of her voice will haunt me forever.


this made me take a deep breath.

The sweet sound of her voice will haunt me forever.


i think in the end, this is what really got me. over all this stroy horrified me in the best way possible, and i hope you don't take that the wrong way. your story was absolutely wonderfully awesome!!!!!!i can't wait to read more. keep up the good writing!!!
"What is dead my never die, but rises again, larger and stronger..."

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The first draft is a trip to the amusement park. The next drafts are returning there as a safety inspector.
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