Young Writers Society

[DELETED]

thatoddkid,

Hey! So, I was drew in by your title, which I think is really clever. I really like the way you write. It has just the right amount of action:description, and you constantly use good word choice. Your grammar is pretty much spotless, and stylistically, it's really well done.

I'm having a hard time critiquing this because I need to read more. You said this is the first half of the first chapter, so I think I'd need to read the second half to get a better idea of what this story is going to be about, because right now I'm not seeing any connection between the first half of his where he burns his writing to his attempt at suicide, so I hope the next part can fill up that gap.

This is pretty good writing. It's not wholly original, and I hope this doesn't turn out to be some teen angst thing, which I fear it could turn out to be. But your title has an interesting premise, and I hope you continue to develop this story, and if you do, I'll keep reading it.

Anyway, gold star for you. You're a good writer, so keep writing. We need more writers like you.

-Jared

I really really really like this. You should definitley keep writing. And posting.

The title drew me in. It's unusual, different. It isn't like other titles, it's got something that makes me click and read.

Your descriptions? Awesome. I love them. I could actually see the scene in my mind, imagine what's inside the book.

Amazing opening. I thought with the flame and the papers - great way to start. Drew me in.

OK, Levi. He's a intense character, huh. I want to find out why he's so depressed so bad. Also, the scar? What's it from? I have a vague idea, but I'm not sure.

I also really like the way you ended it, with Elise coming in. Makes me interested.

There isn't actually anything wrong with this. Awesome descriptions, great characters, great events, amazingly well-written. No grammatical mistakes, which was awesome.

OK, I want to read more. Keep writing!

I was definitely drawn in by the title, and if this is only the first half of the first chapter, I can't wait to read more.

This opening reminds me a lot of the opening to the movie It's Kind of a Funny Story, a movie about a teenage boy who wants to commit suicide, and ends up checking himself into a mental hospital. Both openings are pretty filled with gloom and doom, except Story is a dark comedy, and I'm not getting that impression with this. I could be wrong.

I love the description of Levi running the blade down his wrist. Even though it's the lowest point of his life and he's ending it all, the description of the blood mixing with the water was beautiful. I could really see the image you were trying to portray, and it's a wonderful mix of melancholy and beauty.

I'm definitely excited to read more. I'm going to subscribe and hope I see something else come along soon.

Keep it up,
kf

I really like this. You don't have any flaws in it which is good. What's also good (and this is good) but I could actually feel the pain that Levi must have been feeling when he was cutting himself. So ur descriptions skills are working to their full potential. I like to read novels about guys because I always read girl novels and even though I can relate to them more I still like novels when the guy is the main character. Changes things. Keep writing. Can't wait to read the next chapter.

Hey thatoddkid!

You know I love the way you write with such ease. It makes your stories such a joy to read, even when they're about something negative. You're always careful not to make the character's come across as self-pitying and over dramatic.

You made me want to save Levi from suicide, even though I've only just been introduced to him, so well done there. It means you've managed to write effective, realistic sounding character's. The whole cutting part, was described brilliantly. I hate blood and reading the scene made my stomach turn, but you didn't go over board with it. You made me picture his wrist and the blood mixing with the water, but it wasn't too gross. You didn't turn me off reading it completely. The whole ordeal was just long enough to keep me reading with one eye shut. It wasn't too drawn out or too quick.

I felt Levi panic when Elise came through the back door. The description of him getting up, slipping, getting up and falling was great. You seem to be able to keep the pace balanced without rushing scenes, which is great for us readers.

So, I have no idea where this is going, but I'd love to read on. You've left me wanting answers about why Levi wanted to kill himself and who Elise is.

Really great job on this!

xDudettex

A male MC? Depressing subjects? Self harm? Naked guy? OH, HELLO.

Okay, so I love your opening line here. The opening line of a novel is so insanely important, and you've done a great job of it, methinks. I'm so terrible at opening lines, I should be beaten harshly. I'm so jealous, and I want to poke you in the eye because of it. And your title. I hate you because of your title. It's too good. I can't come up with titles to save my life. So yeah. I hate you. Learn to write badly.

In all seriousness, I really like this. It has absolutely everything I love in a novel, so you've already got me hooked. As the others have said, your descriptions of the blood and the whole cutting himself scenario were wonderful, and I think it's great of you that you didn't make Levi sound too melodramatic. The only issue there is that the only guy called Levi that I know is, excuse my language, an absolute dick. But that's just a me issue. I'm sure it won't effect my opinion of this guy too badly. xD The technical stuff is ten times better than the technical stuff in my writing, like srsly, especially your phrasing (I fail at phrasing). Basically, an awesome job, my friend!

This is a review though, so it's only fair that I give you a critique or two. My critiques for you all tie into one thing really. Basically, as I read this, I found myself questioning a number of Levi's actions. The ones off the top of my head are: why does he actually run the bath? Why did he actually strip naked too? Why doesn't he just try to kill himself in his room or something? Why didn't he lock the bathroom door?

When it comes to the bath thing, I suppose he might want there to be water around him so the blood can fall into there (keeping it tidy, I suppose), but that still leaves the question of him being naked. I mean, he's going to kill himself, so I'd hardly be expecting him to worry about getting his clothes dirty or anything. Not that I'd ever really want to try it myself, but if I was in that kind of state of mind, I would just get in the bath and get on with it. I'd maybe take my shirt off so that my arms were easily accessible, but underwear and all... not so sure. If he'd just decided to kill himself off a whim while he was having a bath, it would be believable enough too. Maybe I'm just looking too far into it, but I would like maybe even the tiniest explanation to as of why he stripped completely. Even if it's just a sentence or two.

As for locking the bathroom door, this one's a bit more major, methinks. I mean, come on, wouldn't that be one of the first things he'd do? Even if Levi highly doubts that someone is going to walk into his house, or knock on the door or whatever, you'd think he'd play it safe. I especially think this because the guy seems pretty organised: this suicide attempt is clearly something he's planned and thought about deeply, so he seems like the kind of guy who would, in fact, lock a bathroom door if he was planning on ending his life in the bathroom itself.

The explanation to this could be something as simple as there not being a lock (although it's highly unusual and bizarre for there not to be a lock on a bathroom door), or the lock being broken. If you don't think about my other questions, at least think about this one!

Not a great deal happens here, so I haven't really picked up on anything else negative. Plus, I'm being hesitant because I know there's another part to this chapter, so I don't want to critique anything that's justified in the next part. Overall, I think you could potentially have something awesome here, my friend. You've got an interesting MC, an intriguing situation, and the writing itself is great. There's a nice balance of mystery in here too. At the beginning, it felt a little mehish because all of the mystery was stacked at the beginning with his scar(s?) and such, and not evened out throughout the chapter, but hey, I won't complain too much about that.

An overall great job! *Joins club thingy*

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hola,

I really liked this. It's really negative and depressing and not exactly the shining moment of the MC's life. I loved how you began with the MC's plan for the end. The descriptions were amazing, the character seemed really depressed and emo-esque in this delectable sort of way and the title was fantastic too. The first line pulled me in and the last line made sure I'd come back. It was a very good first chapter, though I'd suggest making it a little bit longer. It's a tad bit short for my taste, but maybe that's because it was so good, I just want more. Overall, very good job!

Grade: A+

If you have any questions or comments, do not hesitate to PM me.

~jas

Hi there!!

First of all: WOW! I've gotta say, I'm QUITE impressed. I've read way too many stories about sad kids that wanna take their own lives, and they all got way too cliche for me to stand. But THIS... this was way different. I think it has something to do with the language you use. This was my personal favorite:

The razor bites, a lover's parting kiss.

Stunning. Absolutely and completely beautiful.

I love the unspoken tie between the title and the actual story. There's no mention of him wanting anyone, and yet you know that's why he's so upset with himself and his life because of the title. I also love the way this girl Elise comes into the story. She seems like the perfect friend, the one who will literally break into your home to save your life. The one thing I thought was missing from the piece was a feeling of gratitude, but I think that's mostly an artistic choice I think. The only reason I brought it up is because I, as the reader, was feeling gratitude toward this Elise character, and I was a little miffed that the main character wasn't. But it's great as is, too, so don't feel obligated to change it if you don't want to.

Anyways, I loved it!! I can't wait to read more!!

~Molly

Hey,
This is amazing! I love the way you described everything. It was like I could see it happening in my head.

I was kinda confused at the beginning, at why he was burning the pages. But it's the first chapter, so it's okay to be confused, right?

Anyways, I think this is awesome and I'm definitely going to subscribe. I can't wait to read the next part!

Hey

Well I don't have any negative comments about this :O This is just pure amazing!
The opening drew me in instantly! I LOVE the way you describe the whole scene- you don't dampen the emotion of this whole chapter by putting in too much description. It's just perfect. Each sentence, word, description just adds to the scene and it makes the reader sit on edge and imagine the scene.I actually nearly cried!

Your character is perfect too, I love the way you didn't go into a load of details about his description and what he's like...you described him through the chapter. Reading this extract we straight away understand what his story is and that's kind of hard to do. Just reading this makes us sympathetic to his situation, I just wanted to reach out and help him, it was just so sad :O

I'm REALLY interested to know how this develops Love it
Keep writing

Oh my gosh its so amazing! Once again i was drawn in by the title which perfectly encapsulates how i am feeling at the moment. It's seriously perfect... The way you describe things is truly beautiful and unique so well done!! How do you manage to make a drop of blood seem beautiful? At the same time it's not overly descriptive it has the perfect amount of stomach-squirming, anxiety evoking, action. If anything i would say watch out for making things have too-neat endings. Take the red towels for example and the way the person happens to open the door on someone (i mean really would anyone open the bathroom door on someone without permission) and the way she happens to accept everything and make everything better. But then again i wouldn't change your story, just be cautious, your on the borderline so if you add too many more perfect endings it will be too much. But thats the thing you also managed to make me want to read more!! Well done!! I liked pretty much everything, seriously- there are no parts i would take out, it was perfectly condensed. I liked the line : "and lower the rest of my body into the tub with all the haste of a sloth" - I thought it was both funny and got the meaning across. Thanks for letting me read this, you have serious talent! WELL DONE

Hi there! I haven't reviewed prose in so long, so forgive me if I seem a bit scatterbrained. Also, I haven't read the reviews before mine, so forgive me if I repeat something that's already been said.
Your title is amazing; after seeing it, I just had to read this. I hate coming up with titles; it's always the last thing I do, so to me, having a good title is a sure sign of talent.
Right from the start, I was drawn in by your language. I love when a writer uses words in seemingly odd juxtaposition to create beautiful images. I like this sort of poetic prose.
Like this:

All I see is melody mixed with sugar, and metaphor made of tin cans.

Whenever I pick up a book or story, I always read the first and last lines, because I feel that these pretty much give an overall impression as to how good the book will be. And this first line definitely made me want to read more.

I look at the long scar, a tear's trail across my cheek, intestine pink against the purity of my skin.

I love this line. It's so uncomfortable, what with the mention of scars and internal organs. It really gives a strong emotion.

I'm tired of being God.

See, this I'm on the fence about. It's apt to what you're discussing, because in a way the writer is God to his/her characters. But on the other hand, it sounds just a tad pretentious and angsty.

My skin is pale, marred only by the scar.

You keep mentioning this scar. I assume that it's significance and how the narrator came to have it will be explained later, but for now, I'm a bit annoyed at being kept in the dark.

He stares back at me, the wretched, reflected, naked boy, and he asks me not to kill him. He doesn't beg; his eyes are stony, his face is indifferent. But I feel something press against me like a sudden blast of hot air, like his soul is trying to wrap its arms around me to stop me from picking up the shiny razor on the counter.

This... Yes. Perfect description, the opposing emotions, the mind's desire to kill itself but the body's desire to survive... This is exactly what it feels like.
I also like the hesitancy here, which is further displayed later in the piece (like, he takes his time with it, he seems to be arguing with himself about it, etc). I don't know if it's what you were going for, but to me, it sounds as if Levi hasn't completely gone off the deep end yet.

like the shear of a shark attack

I love this.

I know I kept pointing out individual lines, but that's just the way I read things; first and foremost, I am a poet, so lines jump out at me. But overall, I was stunned by this. Your description and word choice was amazing. However, with the description, sometimes you want to be careful that it's not too much. Sometimes the best way to say something is also the simplest way; you don't need to make everything sound so grand and srtistic, because then it comes off like you're trying too hard.
Your pacing was done nicely. You managed to develop a sense of urgency without making it too hectic and rushed. Pacing's something that a lot of writers (myself included) struggle with, so good job on that.
All in all, this could have been just another melodramatic, angsty story about a depressed teenager. However, what made it orginal was your writing style, which I absolutely love.
So yeah, I think it's pretty obvious that I want to read more. Hurry up and finish this novel.

Wow... This was amazing! I was drawn in immediately by your title. It is just so unique and it screamed to me "read me, read me" ahahahah so of course I read it (;
And I'm really glad I did! I absolutely love your writing style! It is exactly what I look for when reading a novel. Your vocabulary is excellent and your descriptions are so clear and vibrant. I could see everything as it was happening. Even in this short piece I felt really connected to the story and the MC. I could feel what your MC was feeling... and during the bath scene I was cringing the entire time as he was cutting himself. That scene could have been a little less clear... ahahah im only kidding.. it was perfect
I just have a weak stomach for that kind of stuff.. eeek :$
Btw, beautiful metaphors and descriptions in that part. Again, I love your writing
Anyways, I sorry but I don't really have any suggestions or critiques. I am definitely going to continue reading this and I'm going to join the group as well. I am really enjoying this so far, and can't wait to see what happens next!

this is by far the best piece i have read all summer
your writing style is very intriguing and your grammer is all put together very well
my favorite part of your piece was the emotion you had conveyed through every word spoken.....i felt it
as if i were the one hurting myself with the razor

Thank you for writing such a touching and moving piece

Can't wait for more......Keep up the good work and NEVER give up