I know you said chapter two, but I'm going to start from the beginning. I didn't read all the reviews -though I noticed this has been thoroughly edited, so they seem to be comprehensive enough. With that in mind, I'm going to do things a bit differently and focus more on the story content itself and suggestions towards the content, and you'll get my reactions as a reader as I'm reading along ^^
It ended with a funeral.
Nice effective hook. The juxtaposition of starting the story at the "at the end of life" is clever.
She didn't look like she belonged here, with her feathery blonde hair and forget-me-not eyes, but rather on the stained glass windows, an angel hiding amongst humans.
Nice description, I felt for whatever reason it stood out from everything else. I'm wondering if you can switch the phrases around for a more clear transition. Something like:
"She didn't look like she belonged here, but rather on the stained glass windows, with her feathery blonde hair and forget-me-not eyes, an angel hiding amonst humans."
And there was me, standing on the side, head tilted, watching my family mourn my dead body.
I loved this line. Very spooky. The head-tilted thing reminded me of a parrot. Or a puppy. Just so innocent.
So far so good. I felt the descriptive passages weren't too bogged down, which is good. And they do reveal hints of characters here and there. My immediate impressions: Dad's neat, mom's a mess (we can't blame her), and Lucy seems beautiful. And they're all very sad.
This kind of reminds me of Lovely Bones. Not sure if you read it or not, but if you hadn't yet - you'll find it a great read!
"For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day."
Period at the end of this quote, no comma.
A choked sob broke out of my mother and Angelina was fervently whispering...
Who is Angelina again? *looks up* Oh, yeah, the one she envied. Wait, but is she a cousin? aunt? She was listed among family, *shrugs* Just be careful introducing so many names at once. With Angelina's second mention, you can add how she is related to the MC (just a suggestion) - bits and pieces like that will help situate the reader.
Ok, so what wasn't bogged down at the beginning is now bogged down by descriptions of more friends and more family, and the church.
and I felt a raw, aching burn in my stomach,
Hmm... burns are not associated with aching? Burns sting. Stomach burns, I've never experienced, but I would imagine it wouldn't ache, would it?
I felt light comma and a million and two memories shot through my head
Suddenly the world had been taken off my shoulders, an eighteen year old Atlas and I was going to grab them both and tell them so much until the church bells rang three times and I remembered why Tyler was here, why Nina was here, why I was here, why everyone was here-
This part here feels like it needs a bit of revising. It sounds confusing. However, I do like the Atlas imagery. Effective for a first chapter? I would say yes. I do want to know more about how the character died - and who the main character is, was a name mentioned? *looks up* Oh, so Chloe, then. I must've not caught that as I was reading. My suggestion is to accent/emphasize it somehow, the MC's name gets lost in the sea of all the other's names xD
I also want to know the direction this will take. Will it be a story about what lies *beyond* or will it tell the story backwards, going through Chloe's life since she's died. So, for that, I am curious.
Would have liked more action or at least some sort of character revelation. None of us here have experienced our own deaths, I can safely say xD So how would it feel emotionally? What would be going through Chloe's thoughts? I think that is more interesting - rather than a bunch of summaries of the people in the funeral.
Anyways, forwards and onwards. I'll do the next chapter.
~ As always Audy
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