Young Writers Society

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Hello again,
Once again, my review will be mostly grammar.

The pillow beneath me was heavenly soft, and as I eased my eyes open I saw the metal ceiling fan spinning rapidly above me, pouring cool air over my face.

There should be a comma after heavenly and a comma after open.

The clogs in my brain groaned to get turning as I tried to think straight.

There should be acomma after turning.

Last night came back to me slowly as I stared at the patch of carpet where I should’ve woken up.

There should be a comma after slowly.

Hey girl, an idea just hit me.

Do guys say/text hey girl? I don't think so, and if they do it's not a comma thing...

I hit the call button immediately, he answered on the third ring.

The comma after immediately should be replaced witha semi-colon.

“Yeah. But if little Lexi is too young for alcohol…”

Replace the period after yeah with a comma and lowercase the b in but.

“I think she’s going crazy – I heard her talking to herself in the middle of the night the other day.”

The dash after crazy should be a semi-colon.

“Shut up,” I snapped.

“There’s a place for people like you, there’s people that can take care of you,” Ingrid smirked.

The comma after you should be a semi-colon because you are combining two complete sentences together.

tone that I had never heard him used before, “and go to school. Now.”

Used should be use.

Still these alien feelings pestered me – unfamiliar to my usual laid-back demeanor.

The dash after me should be a comma.

Jake adopted a fighting stance and raised his fist – and the friction in the air rose like static in my ears, bile in my throat-

The dash after fist should be a comma, and the dash after throat should be a period.

“Fuck off, you inbred white trash!” I yelled at the top of my lungs.

The atmosphere had changed - quieted down some, but changed to a sensation much more bearable; shock, amazement, and almost laughable.

The dash after changed should be a comma, and the semi-colon after bearable should be a comma.

I started forward to be at my best friend’s side – she was so slight compared to the burly eleventh grader - but an arm coiled around me, holding me back.

Both dashes should be commas.

He released me and I stumbled forward as suddenly there was no resistance to my efforts.

There should be a comma after me.

Dylan, I though single-mindedly, battle to the centre of the crowd.

Though should be thought.

You use alot of dash when it should be commas. If you need any help or need another review feel free to ask me.

Have a great day,
Tiffany