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Young Writers Society


The Lost Light



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15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1019
Reviews: 15
Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:32 pm
FutureFamousWriter says...



Jack raced back to his two-story mansion where his coven was waiting for him on the front porch. The sinister house scared most humans away with its grey stone walls and gargoyles at every window, but Jack thought it was beautiful. The vampire residents thought it fun to make spooky ghost noises when humans wondered too close. Now, they all stood to attention when they saw their leader dashing up the stairs with a limp form in his arms. “Camille!” he shouted. “Go run to the hospital and get me some blood.”
“But – ”
“Now!”
“Jack!” Hayley cried. She was his most trusted friend – besides his brother, Mitchell – and was his second in command. She raced to meet him and touched he dried blood on his shirt. Her brown eyes that matched her boring brown hair were wide and frantic as they searched Jack for injuries, completely oblivious to the dying girl in his arms.
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “It’s not my blood.”
Hayley looked down and her eyes practically bugged out of her skull (like you see on cartoons) when she noticed the girl for what seemed to be the first time. “Is she okay?”
“No,” Jack said. “She got shot in the back and she’s lost a lot of blood.” He strolled through the large oak doors of the mansion, past the blood-red painted foyer and into the serene blue lounge room. Lounges of every colour, shape and size were spread throughout the room but they all faced the plasma television against the back wall. Jack set the girl gently down on the biggest couch in the room – a black one – and gave out orders. “Go get me the first aid kit from the kitchen, a bottle of whiskey, clean towels and some fresh water.” Hayley left the room silently and came back moments later holding the whiskey and first aid kit. Her older brother Daniel, who looked almost identical to Hayley save for a few freckles on his cheeks, came in behind her with the towels and a bucket of water. They set them down on the floor next to where Jack was kneeling and he got to work helping Faith. He rolled her onto her stomach and used his claw-like nail to slice Faith’s shirt in two. He separated the thin pieces of material and they got their first look at the damage. Hayley and Daniel sucked in a breath but Jack had been expecting it; there was a gaping hole where Faith’s left shoulder blade should have been. Blood was still seeping out of the wound, but it didn’t smell human, it smelled like –
“Vampire,” Daniel whispered. “She’s a vampire.”
“I think,” Jack said, “that Leon and Caitlin were right.” He looked up and stared into Hayley’s wide eyes. “She’s the Lost Light.”
“But if she’s a vampire like the Lost Light is, why haven’t her fangs come out now that she’s unconscious? And why isn’t she healing fast?” Hayley asked.
“I don’t know. I think it’s because she’s lost too much blood. Where the hell is Camille with that blood?”
“I’m here,” Camille said as she rushed into the room. Her pixie-cut-electric blue hair was completely wind-swept and she was breathing hard. “By the way,” she half panted. “The Siren's arrived a few minutes ago.” She dropped several bags of blood on the coffee table with the rest of the supplies Jack needed and went off the fix her hair.
Jack cursed silently to himself. He’d forgotten the Siren’s – long time friends of the Lights – were coming for a visit today.
Daniel ripped open a bag of blood and was about to pour it down Faith’s throat when Jack said, “Wait.”
“What is it?” Daniel asked.
“I just remembered something I heard when I was little,” Jack said. “Faith’s father – my dead uncle Mark – was a vampire. But Faith’s mother, Maria, was a human. Mark went to a vampire specialist and had Faith tested. The specialist told Mark that Faith didn’t need to drink blood, but would still have all of the other vampire attributes; lightening speed, really strong, resistance to sunlight because she was born and not turned, and maybe some psychic ability. So, I’m not sure if we should infuse her with blood or feed it to her like we would a normal vampire.” While Jack had been talking, he’d removed the bullet using his fingers and was now in the process of cleaning the wound with a towel. He nearly choked on air when he peered inside the bullet hole and saw that the muscles and nerves were already stitching themselves back together.
“I don’t think you need to give her blood or stitches,” Hayley said. “She’s already healing. Slower than the average vampire would, but she’s still doing it.”
“At this rate,” Daniel piped in, “she should be completely healed by tomorrow morning. But I don’t think she’ll wake up anytime soon.”
“Good,” said Jack seriously. “I don’t want her awake to interfere with what I’m about to do.”

* * *

“So, tell me again why we’re going to kill this mortal.”
Melanie Siren’s squeaky high-pitched voice was really rubbing against Jack’s last nerve.
“He’s only told you a million times, Mel,” her older brother Ronnie said. “Gabe Blackwood is guilty of deliberately harming a vampire,” interjected Jordan, Ronnie’s twin brother.
They always reminded Jack of the Weasley twins from the Harry Potter series, with their conniving and scheming. But unlike the Weasley’s, they had blonde hair and no freckles.
“You shouldn’t even be here, Mel. You’re too young for it.” Mia, the oldest of the four Siren children, held herself like she was above Jack’s own royal status, even though they were fourth from the top of the list of royals. Unlike the Lights, who were at the very top.
Melanie opened her mouth to argue with her sister, but Jack cut her off with a sharp “Enough!”
He smiled when everyone stopped bickering.
For some reason, he could always get people to do what he wanted. His father said it was a psychic ability he’d inherited from his mum, but Jack liked to think it was because people looked up to him.
“Okay,” he said. “Lets do this.”
The group lunged silently out from behind the trees in front of the Blackwood’s house and towards the front door. Mia pulled some lock-picks out from where they were holding her bun up and let her long bleach blonde hair loose. She shoved it over her shoulder and focused on unlocking the door. In a matter of seconds, the click of the lock sliding across rang in their ears.
They padded into a long hallway filled with pictures pinned on the walls. Jack noticed that Faith wasn’t in any of them. At the end of the hallway was another door, which thankfully wasn’t locked. Jack pushed it open and was greeted by the sweet smell of human blood.
Mary Blackwood was lying in a pool of her own blood on the floor with a knife protruding from the centre of her chest. Jack put his hand up to cover his nose so that the bloodlust wouldn’t consume him, and was glad to see everyone else do the same. They continued on through a doorway to the right, carefully stepping around the blood and body, where they found Gabe sitting on a double bed with his head in his hands.
He looked up and spluttered when he saw the group, “W-w what are you doing here?”
Jack took an angry step towards the bed. “You stole Faith from her family. Why?” Jack was shaking with fury, and his violet eyes seemed even harder than they had before. Before Gabe could answer his question, Jack leapt at him. They tumbled over the bed and onto the other side where they landed on the floor with a thud. Before Gabe had any time to react, the others were upon him as well, tearing at his limbs like ravenous piranhas. When nothing was left of him but a pile of scattered pieces, all of the vampires fell to the floor in an attempt to lick up the blood.
“No!” Jack commanded. “I don’t want any of you to consume part of that monster.” He was still shaking with pent-up violence when he ushered the group out of the bedroom, past Mary’s bloodied corpse and out of the front door. He could see the bloodlust still consuming the other vampires and sighed. “Come on, let’s go hunt.”
  





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10 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 240
Reviews: 10
Wed Oct 26, 2011 12:25 am
RWMcKinleys says...



I like this.... It's a really good start to a story. A Paranormal Fiction kinda thing going on here if you ask me. Without the romance, or maybe that is yet to come? Okay so from what I know Jack is the main character, the antagonist has yet to make his mark though.

Mistakes


She raced to meet him and touched he dried blood on his shirt.

I'm guessing you mean "The"?

Hayley looked down and her eyes practically bugged out of her skull (like you see on cartoons)

I really don't think that is necessary, that part could have flowed better without it. But I could see the humor from that.

I don't really see any other mistakes, That could be because I am scanning through it though

Overall

Plot
I am excited to see where this story could go and what will happen next. Although I am not entirely sure what is going on right now. From what I read is that, Faith--- who they believe is the Light is hurt and healing slowly unlike other vampires. Gabe who is really not much talked about in the beginning shows up late at the end. Who is he and why is he important? Never mind on Faith being the lost light... I am confused on that part.

Character
With Jack i am able to see that he is defiant and brave. He seems to be a natural leader. His attitude is a little rough as he seems low on patience.

I think overall you've done a good job writing this. Your descriptions are very good but we need more detail about why and how this is all happening. What you've done here is thrown all the action in at the beginning of the story, or so i think this is the beginning. The reader needs time to figure out who your character is and what his adventure is. Why are these events happening, what is going on in his world.

If you have any questions please don't hesitate to PM me!!!

Keep Writing
~~~~~~ R.W ~~~~~~~
  





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15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1019
Reviews: 15
Wed Oct 26, 2011 2:34 am
FutureFamousWriter says...



Im sorry, but have you read the prologue or first chapter? its seems that you havn't and i will send you the prologue and first chapter to you. Thanks for the review (:
  








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