Young Writers Society

I had struggled so much and now I was merely a reflection of my old self. Nothing more than an angel without wings. Trails of dried tears were now visible on my reddened cheeks. School had always been hell. Especially with a certain ex- best friend back in town. I have lived in misery for quite some time now and I keep asking myself when will it end?

My name is Lea Anderson I’m an ordinary high school girl from Santa high. I am a freshman and apparently the schools loser. I have never been good at defending myself and I’m very shy and timid. Which is why guys like him have always taken advantage of me. I live with my cousin and his wife since my dad is unable to take care of me and my mother passed away a few years ago. And you still don’t even know the half of it.

The sun was beaming and the morning breeze was now gently caressing my skin. I rolled over ready to rise from my bed until I looked at the picture on my nightstand. Mom... It has been 4 years now I remember calling out for her at night the sound of smashed bottles echoed in my head and I heard them... the screams. Afraid of tears starting to form I rise up and walk to the bathroom. I was lost in a trail of thoughts when my phone started vibrating. I brushed my teeth preparing myself for the daily torture. I found myself trailing off again. I remembered those terrifying onyx eyes those eyes which had brought me such misery. Why did he have to torment me? My phone started vibrating again and before I even reached it I knew who it was.

The grip on my toothbrush tightened. Small beads of sweat started to form on my forehead and I felt the panic rise in my mind. I was sure I felt my heart skip a beat. The one calling wasn’t Alex as I thought it would be. I was terrified jet also fascinated by the idea that someone like Joshua would call a total geek like me.

I hesitantly picked up the phone.

''H-hallo..? '' I felt so dumb. Why the hell did I have to stutter?
''Hi, it’s Josh from school I got you’re number from Alex and.. Ehm.. I was wondering if you would do me a favour. '' His voice sounded so mesmerizing and I couldn’t do anything else then nod while blushing furiously even though he couldn’t see it.
'' Oh, sure I guess..''
'' COOL! I mean thanks, so I guess I will see you at school today. Later.'' He said it all so fast I couldn’t register what exactly he meant. I couldn’t help but to smile when I remembered the excitement in his voice.
Maybe today wasn’t going to be such a bad day after all. With that said what the hell did Joshua mean when he said Alex gave my number to him? It was very likely for my best friend to do such a thing especially when she thinks I have a crush on the guy. Which I do. Now I seriously needed to call Alex and get some answers and I was going to. Or at least try.

I had struggled so much and now I was merely a reflection of my old self. Nothing more than an angel without wings. Trails of dried tears were now visible on my reddened cheeks. School had always been hell. Especially with a certain ex- best friend back in town. I have lived in misery for quite some time now and I keep asking myself when will it end?

My name is Lea Anderson I’m an ordinary high school girl from Santa high. I am a freshman and apparently the schools loser. I have never been good at defending myself and I’m very shy and timid. Which is why guys like him have always taken advantage of me. I live with my cosine (cousin) and his wife since my dad is unable to take care of me and my mother passed away a few years ago.And you still don’t even know the half of it. (Here I would maybe jump to the next line, just to make it more mysterious - which this story is)

The sun was beaming and the morning breeze was now gently caressing my skin. I rolled over ready to rise from my bed until I looked (at?) the picture on my nightstand. (Like before I would jump to the next line, and then jump again after "Mom..")Mom..(Shouldn't that be 3 dots?) It had (has) been 4 years now (there should be some kind of punctuation here) I remember calling out for her at night the sound of smashed bottles echoed in my head and I heard them.. (3 dots again) the screams. Afraid of tears starting to form I rise up and walk to the bathroom. I was lost in a trail of thoughts when my phone started vibrating. I brushed my teeth preparing myself for the daily torture. I found myself trailing off again. I remembered those terrifying onyx eyes those eyes which had brought me such misery. Why did he have to torment me? My phone started vibrating again and before I even reached it I knew who it was.

The grip on my toothbrush tightened. Small beads of sweat started to form on my forehead and I felt the panic rise in my mind. I was sure I felt hear (felt or hear - if it's hear it has to be "heard") my heart skip a beat. The one calling wasn’t Alex as I thought it would be. I was terrified jet also fascinated by the idea that someone like Joshua would call a total geek like me.

I hesitantly picked up the phone.

''H-hallo..? '' I felt so dumb. Why the hell did I have to stutter. (question mark?)

''Hi, it’s josh (It's a name, it has to be Josh) from school I got you’re number from Alex and.. Ehm.. I was wondering if you would do me a favour. '' His voice sounded so mesmerizing and I couldn’t do anything else then nod while blushing furiously even though he couldn’t see it.

'' Oh, sure I guess..''

'' COOL! I mean thanks, so I guess I will see you at school today. Later.'' He said it all so fast I couldn’t register what exactly he meant. I couldn’t help but to smile when I remembered the excitement in his voice.

Maybe today wasn’t going to be such a bad day after all. With that said what the hell did Joshua mean when he said Alex gave me (my) number to him? It was very likely for my best friend to do such a thing especially when she thinks I have a crush on the guy. Which I do. Now I seriously needed to call Alex and get some answers and I was going to. Or at least try.

I like the overall idea of this first chapter. It's a bit mysterious, and leaves me wanting to read the next chapters.

You need to work on your punctuation - I didn't point out the places where you need something - and if you want, there are some places here on YWS that can show you how to.

But a really good strong chapter, and I will be waiting for the next chapter!

Thanks!
- Thank you for helping me out with the gramma I promise to change it for the better and hopefully I will live up to you're expectations!

Hey, FlyingChaos! Isha here to review! ^.^

Now, I'm going to start of by saying that you've got something intriguing going on here. Your character obviously doesn't have an easy life, and I have a feeling that there will be a lot of conflict- which can be excellent for adding depth to the novel. That's all good, but it needs more.

Forgive the brief introduction and allow me to explain what I mean. I'll start with the way you started your story- the bit in italics was good. Poetic, in a way, if not a bit choppy. That's not what I want to get into, however. No, I want to talk about the next bit- the paragraph that really starts off the story. Right off the bat, your character introduces herself. She literally says:

Flyingchaos wrote:My name is Lea Anderson I’m an ordinary high school girl from Santa high.

I don't like when stories begin with a character stating their name like that, to be honest. It automatically throws me off, because I start to wonder if you began that way just because you couldn't think of something better to go with. And if that isn't the case, then starting a story written in first person with an introduction just isn't all that original. I mean, how many stories have you seen that start like that? Especially children's novels and YA novels. The answer is probably: 'a lot.' Unfortunately, there's this old saying when it comes to writing: If you're used to reading it in print, then try to avoid writing it yourself. Now, that's not to say that you can never write anything that's used in writing a lot already, if just means that the finer points should be original. The beginning of a novel is definitely a diner point, because that's what draws your reader in and makes them want to read more.

In a nutshell, then, your beginning lacked originality. Save telling us your character's name until someone talks to her and addresses her, or something else. It isn't necessary that we know her name right off the bat- it doesn't become an essential piece of information until the story gets going.

As for hat you've told us about your character thus far, the rest of your first paragraph pretty much sums it up. She's a loser with a bad history. Now, there's creativity here- she lives with her cousin and her father was obviously abusive, and I want that to be left in the dark a bit. Keep it a secret and sprinkle in details as the story goes. Heck, make it more cryptic in the first chapter of you really want to! You have the entire novel to explain her life and dig into the deeper, darker things. That's part of why a reader wants to keep going- because the MC's life is a mystery. They want to learn more about it.

Here, you've given us a good chunk, and it was written in a way that was a little bit of a info-dump. In other words, you gave us all of this information in the very first paragraph, and it makes the entire story lose some appeal. You tell us, but in writing, it's often better to show us. Rather then tell us that your character lives with her cousin and his wife, let us know when she goes downstairs and says good morning. Have him or her say something like: "G'morninh, Cous," or something else. Then make it obvious that she lives with them- she's right at home, maybe goes straight to the fridge and rummages around or something of the sort. There. We know that she lives with her cousin, and intrigue is added because we don't know why. This is something you can let us know later. Dark character pasts are meant to remain a secret and be spilled out in tiny bits and pieces. (Either that or in an emotion confession to a very close somebody. )

Next point: She's a loser at school. Don't tell us this, because it automatically makes us assume that there's going to be a cliche popular-not-popular plot going on here. Instead, make it obvious through her voice and personality that she's not the greatest with making friends or socializing. She's got a stutter- use it. She dreads school? That much you can tell us- just don't tell us why.

Reveal as you go.

Now, this probably seems pretty intimidating- but your first chapter's short- there's a lot of room for expansion. Instead of using it to introduce your character in such an info-dumpy way, let us know her character, her voice, and little bits and pieces that you can use as a foundation. Tell a little bit of a story. Expand it to let her wander into the kitchen, or even all the way to school. Ultimately, it's your novel, so you could save this for another chapter or disregard it entirely if you really wanted to. Just a little advice.

Please, PM me or message me on my wall when you have the next chapter put, because I'd love to follow your novel and read more about your character's life.

Keep writing!

~~Ish

Thanks a lot for taking time to comment on my novelle !!

- I'm a first time writer and really needs someone like you to show/tell me what to do better and WHY
I really am grateful and promise to learn and hopefully get better
Besides I personally think chapter 2 will do much better then the first I hope you will read and review it
In short thank you very much!