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Young Writers Society


Chapter 4



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Fri Dec 09, 2011 1:21 am
Shadowwriter1 says...



4. An Unforgivable Deed
Ryuu ran, as fast as she can, newly fuelled by fresh fear. Night was falling, which made Ryuu all the more nervous, for the wolves came out to hunt at night. She hurried along, keeping her guard up and watching the surrounding area. She was uncertain of the consequences that would come from the rising of the strange man, but Ryuu had a strong feeling that they would be severe.

Ryuu tripped, stumbled and staggered on her way, hoping to arrive at Mistforn before any trouble may arise. Scratches lined her legs and warm, crimson blood slowly oozed down her legs from the deeper cuts. Ryuu ignored her minor injuries and the pain from her sore legs and just kept running.

Ryuu had only just reached a small clearing when she tripped over a branch. Hot pain ran up her leg and Ryuu grimaced. She rolled onto her back and leapt to her feet. She was about to continue when movement caught her eye. “Please don’t be a wolf,” she whispered quietly to herself, backing away from the source of movement. She was about to run when a large elk leapt out of the forest in front of her. Ryuu let out a startled cry and threw her arms up in defence. The elk ignored her and continued to run away. Ryuu smiled to herself and shook her head. She found her foolishness somewhat amusing. She walked away, forgetting about her urgency for a moment, but in that moment, she was tackled to the ground, headfirst.
Ryuu was being crushed by whatever was on top of her. She struggled to get to her feet but eventually managed to throw it off of her back. She spun around and faced her attacker, ready to fight. A large wolf stood a few feet away, watching her with hungry yellow eyes. Ryuu backed off, not really wanting to take on a wolf that was almost her height. Despite her wishes though, the wolf launched itself at her. Ryuu responded by sidestepping and pushing the wolf on its side, knocking it off course and sending it tumbling. Ryuu returned to her defensive stance and watched the wolf carefully, observing its movements, trying to predict its next move. Instead of trying to attack me again, the wolf watched me, tense and edged away, deciding to find easier prey.

When Ryuu was sure that the wolf was gone, she continued to walk through the forest. Her nerves were increasing at a rapid rate, causing her to be tense and look around her constantly. She hurried along, eager to get to the edge of the forest. She was cold and frightened, though she concealed these and made an impression that she was confident enough to take on anything. She strolled into the town; still observing her surroundings, then took off, heading for home.

Ryuu jogged through the town, still concerned about the strange man but not very eager to see her parents after breaking the vase and running off. Uncertainties made Ryuu slow down, but not change her direction, after all they had been beating her for the past seven years, or since she was three. How much worse could it be? That was a question Ryuu knew she didn’t want to know the answer for it would be worse, much worse. Ryuu gulped and slowed to a slow walk, almost dawdling, though she was still on guard, not wanting a repeat of events from the other night.

Ryuu made it to her house in one piece and without running into anyone. She paused outside her home, nervousness increasing. The old brick house looked like a modern day monster house to Ryuu, granted to her it was an empty void, where each and every brick could bring back the painful memory of the misery and grief she suffered throughout her childhood. Smoke plumed above the old fashioned chimney, shined upon by the waning moon. Ryuu opened the white picketed gate and slowly approached the wooden door. Her heart rate increased and small beads of sweat began to form on her forehead. She trembled as she turned the brass handle and she pushed the heavy door open silently apart from the doors groan in reluctance. Ryuu cautiously walked down the hallway having a brief sense of de ja vu in the meantime. She reached the living room and poked her head in the doorway. She screamed.

Before Ryuu was the strange man that she had accidently revived from the grave standing in a room of horrors. Her family had been savagely ripped to shreds and were now hanging from all areas in the room. Ryuu gagged as the dark crimson blood that coated the walls dripped from the chimney and television. A large chunk of flesh fell from the slowly rotating fan, landing at her feet. She stared at the shards of blood stained bones sticking out of small cut. Pus oozed from the wounds running onto her feet. Ryuu trembled and stared at the gore before her and at the man, who was walking towards her wielding a long blade. Her eyes were wide with shock and fear. Her stomach churned and bile rose in her throat. Ryuu turned to run but she was too late, the man attacked.

Ryuu had hardly any time to react but managed to sidestep out of the way, her foot catching the man’s ankle causing him to fall and his sword to fall from his hands. Ryuu stumbled and fell against the wall in the process. He lunged at her again, thrusting his hands out at her, aiming for her throat. Ryuu only saw the blades that stuck out of his hands in time for her to drop to the floor. The blades collided with the wall, causing a large crack to form. This irritated the man even more. In a desperate attempt, Ryuu kicked at the man’s legs, her feet colliding heavily with his knee. He grunted but it hardly slowed him for he managed to grab her shirt collar and thrust her violently, against the wall pinning her. ‘You never mess with the Illuminati. Especially me.” He hissed into her ear. Ryuu could feel a blade being shoved into her stomach making a large cut that began to bleed profusely. Her heart raced and she began to sweat, fiery pain raced through her stomach. Without thinking, Ryuu thrust her arms out towards the man with a force she didn’t know she had, knocking him back. She scrabbled away from him and fled, running outside and out the front gate. She raced down the street, not daring to look back and see the man following her, angry at her escape.

Ryuu ran as fast as she could while clutching her stomach, heading for the centre of town. She was struggling to stay ahead of the man, who continued to gain ground. The only way Ryuu could manage to stay out of reach was because she would suddenly dart into a side alley and sprint along the path. She knew the streets a lot better than the man which was enough to keep her away from him. Despite her ability to stay away from him, she was beginning to feel weak and dark spots danced in her vision. Vomit kept rising in her throat, threatening to spill out of her mouth, slowing her further. Ryuu swallowed it and continued to run, struggling to stay awake. Her breathing was becoming rapid and a stitch formed in her side. She was about to give up when she tore into the town centre. For a moment she paused, shocked, then she sprinted down another street. She raced along until she came to Sherry’s house. Without hesitating she launched herself over the fence and darted into a small hedge. She stayed there for a moment, watching the fence, uncertain about whether or not the man would leap over the fence in pursuit. He didn’t. Ryuu sighed with relief and stood up, clutching her stomach in agony. She was glad to lose the man but she felt like she was about to pass out. She hurried over to the wall where Sherry’s window was. Ryuu scooped up a rock and threw it at the window.
“Sherry” She hissed quietly. Her friend came to the window with sleepy eyes and stared at Ryuu.
“Ryuu?” She asked confused. Ryuu nodded and Sherry came downstairs and led Ryuu up to her room. She gave Ryuu a bandage and some water. Ryuu cleaned her wounds. And quietly murmured her thanks. She tried to stay awake but the blood loss caught up with her and she passed out.

Ryuu awoke in the morning feeling tired and weak. She noticed that she was alone so she crept downstairs. She knew that it wouldn’t matter if Sherry’s parents saw her because they liked her and had always welcomed her in their home, especially when Ryuu’s parents were being particularly cruel. She walked into the living room and froze with shock. A sense of De-Ja-Vu swept over her as she stared at the murder scene before her. Instead of chunks of bodies being scattered everywhere there was just a pile of mutilated, bloody corpses leaning against the wall. The smell of fresh blood wafted up her nostrils and tears began to trickle down her feet. She trembled with grief and misery and looked at the wall, wanting to take her eyes of her best friend. There she saw on the wall the words Never Mess With The Illuminati written in blood. Fury rose within her as she stared at the words. “I swear to any out there that I will kill that man, even if it kills me in the process.” Ryuu swore to herself. With that she turned and left, set upon a task that would probably be the death of her.
  





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Wed Dec 14, 2011 4:54 am
NightWriter says...



Beautiful! I love the depth of emotion throughout the whole chapter. The length, too, draws me in. I enjoy seeing chapters that are longer than say, 500 words, though those are good too.

I felt a bit like you used Ryuu's name too much, but it could just be me. Still, when you can get away with it, try to use other titles.

Just a few things here:

There she saw on the wall the words Never Mess With The Illuminati written in blood. Fury rose within her as she stared at the words. “I swear to any out there that I will kill that man, even if it kills me in the process.” Ryuu swore to herself. With that she turned and left, set upon a task that would probably be the death of her.


I would rewrite it something like this (just to fix errors):

There she saw on the wall the words 'Never Mess With The Illuminati' written in blood. Fury rose within her as she stared at the words. “I swear to any out there that I will kill that man, even if it kills me in the process.” Ryuu swore to herself. With that she turned and left, set upon a task that would probably be the death of her.

swore should probably be another word, as she only says 'swear' a second earlier. I would use something like 'thought' or 'promised'.
It's up to you.

Well done, though!

NightWriter x
raised by wolves // brought up on words.
  








Il faut imaginer Sisyphe heureux (One must imagine Sisyphus happy).
— Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus