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Magnificent Mansion Chapter 1



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Sun Dec 11, 2011 6:35 pm
dogs says...



Hey! So here is the first chapter of a book I've started writing called the "Magnificent Mansion". This is a murder mystery with the main character Jacque Leferre who is a famous French private detective that is dragged into a party which will result in the a dead body. But who's? And why? And how does the mob have anything to do with all of this? Read and find out ;). You may notice that all my characters that I ever write about are either perfect in everything, insane, or extremely melodramatic. So really, because of the feel of this story, all of the people are really suppose to be read as melodramatic and over the top. Finally, for all you non- french speakers out there lemme give you some quick translations:
Monsieur- Sir
Madame- Married women so like our Mrs.
Mademoiselle- un married women.
oui- yes. pronounced "wi"
Merci- Thankyou
I use a little more french words in my next chapter so I'll give you the rest of them then ENJOY!!!!


Jacque Leferre roamed around the museum and it’s newest collection of Louis Leroy. The Museum, to say the least, was a spectacular sight to see. It’s majestic curtains hung down as if to be frowning, and each silken, sad, uncertain rustling of the purple curtains crept out as if to snatch some innocent child in its clutches. Mr. Leroy is a painter that had somehow managed instant fame from his beautiful watercolors. They were graceful, in their own way; each streak of paint defined itself in the mixtures of colorful explosion that had seemed to attack the viewer’s eye. While strolling around the museum Jacque had started up a conversation with some girl who her name, he had already forgotten.

Jacque was in his mid thirties. He was an unusually lanky person who often towered over his suspects, all 6 feet and 6 inches of him often intimidated people. He was, of course, a private detective that was popularly sought out by the little people who were too timid to go to the police. He was born in France where his mother and father died young, so he decided to move to England in 1939. He wore and white suit with a bowtie, but his most unusual feature was his nose that had always stuck out from his face at an unusual length, peaking out from underneath his eyes as if trying to detach itself from his face and run away. Everything about Jacque seemed as if he had been stretched like taffy.

Jacque looked up, ignoring the woman who was rambling on about how splendidly executed the paintings are. He had long stopped listening, tired of pretending to be being pleased and impressed. He wrinkled his nose from the stink of the alcohol whenever the lady leaned on him, she was obviously drunk. Jacque observed the painting wondering how long it took to create such an extravagant piece. A waiter walked by carrying Champaign and he gently grabbed a glass.

“Am I boring you Mr. Leferre?” the woman said breaking Jacque’s daydream. “I was telling you what I thought of this truly magnificent piece of work,” she said with a somewhat lazy wave of her hand gesturing to the art in front of her.

“Oh no, no, no mademoiselle. Not at all, It’s just I, myself was admiring the very same thing” Jacque said in a thick French accent. Despite all his time as a detective and being able to talk any amount of information out of the criminal, he still couldn’t manage to save himself from a conversation with some drunken woman who most likely doesn’t even know what she herself is saying.

“Admiring it! I think it’s absolutely dismal! It looks like someone threw up on it I say” Jacque threw back his head in surprise; he leaned and squinted at the watercolor. It was rightfully named “Eruption” because it showed a tree bending over and splitting to let out a burst of light, a single bunny that sat was observing it all lonely on the hill. Jacque had thought it was wonderfully represented; the mix of colors beamed out and gleamed like a star.

Then a nearly inaudible voice came from out the crowd “Luuucccy!” The woman whom Jacque was talking to turned “Coming dear!” she turned to Jacque “It truly was a pleasure Mr. Leferre”

“Merci” Jacque said and politely bowed his head. She took her hands in his and then turned to leave. Jacque frowned as he found his white gloves now damp from the woman’s sweaty hands; he took out his handkerchief and wiped his gloves. At least she is gone, he thought. Jacque took a sip of his Champaign and frowned. A very bad year he thought.

“Ah, Mr. Leferre, so glad you could make it” an unknown voice came from behind Jacque who calmly turned around to face his perpetrator who had actually pronounced his name wrong. He said Ler-Fer-Y, one of Jacque’s many pet peeves but he held his tongue.

“Luh-Fair” Jacque corrected the stranger. “What a pleasure” Jacque tipped his hat in respect. The stranger smiled and stood next to Jacque and followed his gaze to the “Eruption” painting. He was almost as tall as Jacque himself at about 6 foot 3 inches, he wore a suit and tie with many varieties of jewels and rings on his fingers. Despite his height he was very wide man, he had a very round face and large body. Not quite fat but very well taken care of, he looked in his late forties and took out a cigar. He took a great inhail and puffed out a small smoke cloud.

“Should I be worried that you’re here? Mr. Luh-Fair” putting an emphasis on the “Fair” part of his name. “Is there going to be someone with a knife in the heart and the police are just waiting to descend upon the place?”

“Oh, no, no, no, monsieur. I am here on my own personal pleasure” The large man smiled and took another deep inhale of his cigar and then blew the smoke threw his nose.

“I don’t believe we have properly introduced, I am Louis Leroy” He raised an eyebrow and turned to Jacque.
“Ah. Monsieur Leroy, I am delighted to see you. Your work is most impressive.”

“Thank you, thank you. Well, Mr. Leferre, I was curious if you could tell me I was actually hoping that you would accept an invitation” He stuck his cigar in his mouth and blew smoke in Jacque’s frowning face. He coughed and waved the smoke away.

“Invitation monsieur?”

“Yes, yes quite. There will be a party at my house. Only... select guest are allowed. Tomorrow afternoon if you wish to come”

“Ah, monsieur I am most sorry but I happen to be busy that night”

“I insist Mr. Leferre. I do not take well to people refusing my acts of great generosity” He gave a deathly grin. Jacque pursed his lips and considered his options.

“Ah monsieur, merci. I believe that I can make some time to come”

“A wise choice Mr. Leferre. I will see you at 5:00”. He took another puff of his cigar and then walked away.

“Oui monsieur, oui” Jacque raised his eyebrow staring suspiciously at Mr. Leroy walking away with certainty.

“Mr. Leferre! The Mr. Leferre!?” Jacque swung around to come face to face with a small lady take a sip from her cocktail, well everyone seemed small to Jacque. She was around 5’ 9” and wore an elegant black dress sparkling whenever she moved. She had short dark hair that she let lay loose and hang at her shoulders. She waddled forward to say the least, how she moved in those 4” heels was beyond Jacque. “Oh it’s truly a pleasure, I here about you all the time in the newspapers”

“I’m sorry mademoiselle…”

“I’m married” She grinned and waved a bony finger up showing her large ruby ring.

“Ah, madame. I don’t believe we have met”

“Oh no of course, how stupid I am” she flashed a wide smile “Allow me to introduce myself, I am Cubilla Black. The cinematographer”

“Oh yes I remember reading about you, I do truly admire your work. It is most impressive.” Jacque gave her a quick wink.
“Yes thank you, I set up most of the portraits for these pictures. Mr. Leroy just did the drawings”

“Really madame?”

“Yes, really. Although I really shouldn’t be here.” Cubilla frowned.

“Ah madame why?” Jacque eyed her skeptically.

“Well… Mr. Leroy fired me rather recently. He kind of lost his rag when…”

“Ah, pardon, the ‘lost his rag’ what do you mean” Jacque furrowed his brow.

“Oh, excuse me” She let out a squeaky laugh “like to loose one’s temper. He was in a rage two weeks ago. Something about what was in the paper. About the mob’s and all, why it sounds absolutely dreadful” She took another sip of her glass “Anyways two weeks ago there was the robbing of the bank, it was all over the news papers. The police tried to take two of the five guys who robbed the bank into custody, but ended up killing them instead. How ghastly, yes ghastly indeed. But Mr. Leroy got himself all up in a fuss that afternoon because a major portion of his money was in that bank I suppose.” She took a large gulp, finishing her cocktail and looked around for another.

“Suppose madame? You mean you don’t know for sure?” Jacque inquired.

“Well no, not exactly I mean it seems most certainly the most likely but im not certain.”

“What makes you not certain?”

“Well that very same day Mr. Leroy gets a call. He was yelling and screaming. Said something ‘this is unacceptable! I want my money and I want it now! What? Don’t tell me about your damn share I DON’T CARE!’ and with that he stormed out. Well just about everyone in the whole mansion heard him screaming so the next day he fired everyone.”

“Everyone madame?” Jacque threw his head back in shock.

“Yes every one. Down to the last scullery maid, well it probly didn’t mean anything to him, I mean he had so much money even after the robbery he could buy half of England if its not to bold in my saying so.” She pinpointed another cocktail and threw herself towards it, snatching it out of the waitress’s hand that was going to deliver it to another guest. The waitress shrieked and almost dropped the trey she was holding.

“Merciful Heavens! Control yourself!” The waitressed wailed “Alcohols will betray all your secrets you know!” She stormed off melodramatically muttering about what woman will do for alcohol.

Cubilla fixed her out of place hair and turned to Jacque breathing hard. “Well pardon me. Please excuse me I do have to go powder my nose”

“Oui madame. Oui”



TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032
Last edited by dogs on Mon Dec 12, 2011 12:51 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Sun Dec 11, 2011 10:21 pm
Lavvie says...



Mademoiselle- married woman so like our Mrs.


Actually, that's wrong. That should be Madame. Mademoiselle is the equivalent of Miss. So:

I am Mademoiselle Lavvie because I am not married.
Madame du Barry was married to a lord but consort to a king.

I'll be back to review this.


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Sun Dec 11, 2011 11:14 pm
KingLucifer says...



I've really never taken an intreast in a murder mystery so this will be my first review on one so I must apologize if my review seems, unbalenced. But I read though this and it has my attention the french character's really give the story some flavor unlike most stories I read, (or write for that matter.) And so far I do approve of this has much tention and suspense in this story and I would love to read more. I also call it smart for putting in a key for those who don't know french such as myself, and its really appreaeated and I'm looking forward to seeing more. anyways overall I give this story a 8 out of 10 on my personal scale.

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MasterLHeart.
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Mon Dec 12, 2011 12:46 am
hudz96 says...



Heya Tuckz :D

Okay i cant believe your doing this but its awesome all the same. you make me proud.

While strolling around the museum Jacque had started up a conversation with some girl who her name, he had already forgotten.


He was an unusually lanky person who often toward over his suspects,


Towered.
underneath his eyes as trying to disattch itself from his face and run away.


underneath his eyes as if trying to detach itself from his face and run away.
tired of pretending of being pleased and impressed


tired of pretending to be pleased and impressed.

doesn’t even know what


didn't even know what

ill do more in a sec, after i read the rest. (: oh and btw i like it so far
Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart.
  





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Mon Dec 12, 2011 12:49 am
hudz96 says...



Ahh i love it TUCK!!!!!!!!!! don't stop writing... and i will wait for the rest... i want it first.
Oh and i didn't do anymore editing, because i think no writing in perfect and should at least have mistakes... as long as you think its perfect... its perfect.. and i kinda hate editing, i just like reading more. :D

Don't stop luv. im waiting for the rest.
Last edited by hudz96 on Mon Dec 12, 2011 12:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Thu Dec 15, 2011 8:18 pm
creativityrules says...



Hello, Tucker! Rose here to review! :D

Wow! So you're writing a mystery. I haven't attempted to write one myself since they're not my genre of choice, but I have read a select few and been enthralled by them. While I do like this piece, I have a few suggestions that I think could make it better.

The first thing I want you to think about is the construction of this chapter. The first chapter of any novel must be your absolute best, most polished work. If you were planning to get this published, a publisher would only read to the top of the second page before making a decision on whether or not to read further. You have to convince me, as a reader, to be hungry for more. I've read a few books on writing novels, and there are a few tips I can give you to make this really excel that pertain to structure.

Jacque Leferre roamed around the museum and its newest collection of Louis Leroy. The Museum, to say the least, was a spectacular sight to see. Its majestic curtains hung down as if to be frowning, and each silken, sad, uncertain rustling of the purple curtains crept out as if to snatch some innocent child in its clutches. Mr. Leroy is a painter that had somehow managed instant fame from his beautiful watercolors. They were graceful, in their own way; each streak of paint defined itself in the mixtures of colorful explosion that had seemed to attack the viewers eye. While strolling around the museum Jacque had started up a conversation with some girl who her name, he had already forgotten.


This, in my opinion, is far too long for an opening paragraph. Usually, I like to read opening paragraphs that are only about two or three sentences long. The sentences must create a metaphorical 'hook' that will bring me in to the story and give me a taste of the writer's personal style. If I were you, I would select two or three of the sentences from this paragraph and construct an effective, charming opening paragraph that showcases your skills at their best.

The next thing I want you to think about is choosing the details you allow me to read. The best way to do this is to picture the scene in your head. Then, select the details that are most important and reveal them in interesting, subtle ways. Telling a story has to do with much more than simply giving me information; it's how you tell it that matters. For instance, let's talk about the painter, Louis Leroy, that you wrote about in the opening paragraph. I don't see how he relates personally to the story, so, unless you have plans that concern him in the rest of the story, I would omit the details about him and focus on describing all of the paintings as a whole and not overelaborating.

Lastly, I want to talk about your characters. They must be fresh. Personally, I like to read about flawed, new characters who reveal their characters through subtleties rather than fitting into a stereotype. When I finish reading a story, I want to want to know more about the character because he or she is so special that I can't forget about them. I've noticed that you're a fan of Disney movies; your MC almost seems like he's out of one of them. Personally, he's a little too overdone for me, but he might interest younger readers. If they're your target audience, then you've gone a good job. However, if you want an older audience, I might consider tweaking him.

All in all, good work. I always love reading what you write, Tucker. If you don't agree with my suggestions, feel free to disregard them; they're my opinion, and your opinion is the only thing that really matters. Always keep writing!

-Rose
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

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