I’ve never told anyone this before but I hate crying in front of people. Specially crying in front of people that I know. I hate it even more when I can’t hold my tears and they come flooding out of my eyes. The first time that I cried in front of my whole class was in middle 2. I was 15 or 16. I was wearing a silver hairclip. I loved it so much, can not remember a time when I went out & didn’t put it on. Then when I was on my way to class, I heard this voice talking to me...
”What’s that thing in your hair?” I looked back and I saw a teacher I’ve never seen before.
”What… What do you mean? ” I replied back.
”This thing you’re wearing is against the school uniform. You’re allowed to wear black accessories in winter & white in summer. Give me that.” and she stretched out her hand for me.
”But I’ve been wearing this in school for like 5 years. Nobody ever told me that—” and before I could finish my sentence she fiercely snatched the clip from my hair & pushed me in the opposite direction.
”No comments. To class NOW! ” she said.
I couldn’t believe it. She took my favorite clip. And the way she cruelly stole it from my hair. At that moment, while walking to class, I was fighting tears. I didn’t want them to appear whatsoever. I succeeded in that until I went into class. Survived through the awkward stares and jumped in the chair next to my best friend.
The teacher was writing something on the board. Nehal was my best friend’s name. Nehal looked at me and said ”Why are you late?” I was rarely late to class.My eyes were already red now. I couldn’t hold it anymore and I began to cry.
”Oh..what's wrong?? What happened?”
”This stupi…. Stupid teacher took my hairclip!! I hate her. How could she do this?? ” and I began to wipe the tears falling from my eyes.
Nehal went quiet for like four seconds. ”You’re crying because a teacher took your hairclip… ” and then she tried so hard not to laugh.
I took one look at her face and I burst out laughing. I liked her because she could do that. She could make me laugh when I absolutely didn't want to. I couldn’t understand then how so much hurt could turn into laughter in less than a second. I stopped laughing but the smile never really left my face.
She looked at me in amazement. " You're crazy, you know that?"
"Maybe... mmm.. Thank you."
"haha… No worries. I'll buy you another one. This teacher has got issues."
"I don't want another one. It's just that this clip means a lot to me."
She didn't reply back. Just smiled. I could see that she didn't get my point then. Neither did I really. I just adored that clip and I will miss it till the day I die.
I was so angry at myself though, for letting this teacher actually get to me. I was so mad for giving up and letting the tears fall from my eyes. I was even more upset because I knew that fate wouldn’t let me do anything about it. And now, although I'll never forget that day, it doesn't feel as important as it did then.
Fate can be so beautiful at times. But it can also be so cruel at others. It can fool you into thinking that the world is yours. It can drag you from your arms - without you even knowing - and leave you in the darkest hour. But because we’re humans, we tend to react to this. If we don’t like what fate had done, we usually shout and scream. Some people blame it on their friends. Others keep complaining about it to everyone they see. Some people go to a boxing class to get the anger out of them. While optimists - my kind of people - just smile in its face, keep walking on and dare it to bring on the rest.
But what if fate was so cruel he took from you the pleasure? What if fate didn’t let you shout out loud? What if fate didn’t let you talk to anyone to take the stress off of your shoulders? What if it forbid you from walking in the street to see the sunset?
What if it couldn’t let you put your hand in the hands of people you love? What if it told the spaces between their fingers not to fit? What if it made the souls around you drift away? You know that it was fate that forced them because simply if things just stayed the same, they would've never left.
What if it told you to keep quiet when you’re dying to speak? And even when you do speak, words come out like another language from your lips. You can hear yourself saying them but the people around you can’t understand a word.
What if it forbid you from doing everything you’ve ever dreamed of doing. Except crying. Would you then cry…? Would you cry your heart out because you’re freaking mad at fate. Would you cry your eyes out because you’re standing helpless in front of it.. Helpless in front of your own soul. You realize you can’t do anything.
The thing is should we question Fate in the first place. Fate is merely a term we use to refer to Allah's will and I know for a fact we should never question that. Many times we don't understand it. Even more times we stand dazzled unaware of the reason. But that's why Faith exists. Isn't that Right?
I’m writing this because recently one of my very close family members experienced an unfortunate event. Six months ago, while he was driving his car he felt like he couldn’t move his legs. With all the strength in him, he pressed on the brakes and parked at the side of the road.
By then, his legs felt numb and his head was spinning. It was in the middle of January and the Egyptian Revolution was happening everywhere which means there were tanks all over the country. He barely managed to walk out of his car, signed to two officers standing next to a tank and then everything went black. The doctors told us that he had a brain stroke because he was angry and his blood pressure was way high.. Those are very dangerous combinations. He became paralyzed. With lots of exercise, strong will, family support & faith, he made great progress. He could walk a little bit, he could shake hands and he could move most of his limbs.
It wasn’t like before the accident of course but we were all very thankful to Allah and we never stopped praying. For all of the five months, he was still staying in the hospital.
On the fourth day before the Eid, he told us he wanted to get out. He didn’t want to spend the eid in the hospital between the gray emotionless walls and the blue senseless sheets. After asking the doctor whether this was better for him or not. They said that if he felt more cheerful and free, it could give great progress to his treatment. Neither of us wanted him to spend the Eid in the hospital.
So it's the first day of Eid. For every Arab, first day is always the Family Spin day. Accordingly, we all went to see him. It was very delightful and happy at first. I have to tell you something. He still couldn't speak. He had a speech doctor come to him every day but he couldn't get the hang of it. I mean he is speaking but no one can easily understand the words coming out of his mouth.
After two hours of the whole family sitting with each other, kids are playing and running around the house, sounds of grown ups talking everywhere. I was playing with my 2 year old cousin when she suddenly decided that I was boring and walked away to play with the boys. I sat there in silence and then my eyes fell on him. He was sitting among the men. They were all talking about politics and things teens like me couldn’t care less about. But he was quiet. He was sitting with his eyes on the ground. I kept staring at him. Thinking he should be smiling. I was dying to see a smile on his face at that moment. I felt I would’ve done anything to make him smile.
Then his eyes met mine. I quickly began to avoid eye contact and looked away. A second later I looked again to see if he was still looking. He wasn’t but as soon as I looked at him, he looked at me. I looked away another time and never looked at him again. The moment I regret the most.
I should’ve smiled at him. Maybe he would’ve smiled back. Maybe he wouldn’t have felt the way he did afterwards. Maybe what happened wouldn’t have did. 5 minutes later, my dad got up and it was time for our family to go because we were still going to visit my uncle. My sister went up to him first to say goodbye and I was standing right behind her. The minute he took my sister’s hand.. He burst into a river of tears. His sight tore me apart inside and I felt like my heart was sinking. His wife went there at once to wipe the tears falling from his eyes. My sister just stood there not knowing what to do. The whole family just came beside him to try and comfort him.
And he. He was just crying his heart out as if to say ” look at me. How could anyone look at me now. ”
We went back home and the whole ride I couldn’t think of anything else. His face when he was crying tore a part of me every time my mind brought back the scene. Mom told me it wasn’t the first time he cried whenever he was around people. And I thought to myself it might not be the last either. But it was the first time I saw him cry and I truly hope he never cries again.
Fate can be so beautiful and it can be so cruel. It’s been a long time since I heard his voice. Every time he opens his mouth really slowly, I get excited to hear it again but then reality hits me and all I can hear is words I don't understand. All I can hear is the sweat falling from his sister's forehead all the way to her cheek; not knowing whether she'll be able to tell what he is trying to say or not. All I can hear is those words that everyone else is saying. Guessing. like we're playing a game of charades. All I can hear is the sound he's repeating, as if to say "Can't you understand what it is. It's so obvious. Com'on!!" All I can hear in the aching souls of the people around him. All I can see is the disappointment on his face.
" But Fate can not erase memories. And even though I cannot hear your voice anymore. I will always feel it in my heart. "
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