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The Black Cat



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Gender: Male
Points: 1040
Reviews: 16
Tue Mar 01, 2011 7:06 am
OptimismUnderRain says...



This is a true story that actually just recently happened. At the same time, this is also my first story to publish on YWS. so please give me as much comments and feed back as possible. thanks.



It's Saturday morning, and I'm just waking up at my friends apartment after spending the night. I do my daily routine that includes: going to the bathroom, turning on the t.v. and checking my text messages. Nothing out of the ordinary. As i checked my phone, I discovered i have a text message from my mom. it read "Hey, what's the plan for today? I'm going to see Omma, Her apartment caught on fire. No one is hurt but she's in the hospital."

We've called My grandma Omma for as long as I remember. I never really thought about why we called her that, but we just did. Omma is a women in her mid-60's and has dyed puffy red hair. She calls me Mr. igstuff (another unknown name) and she is that average grandmother; always prepares snacks when we come over, can't hear well, and likes to secretly swear when no one is listening. Omma took care of mentally challenged people at her apartment. The person that's with her now is named Mikey, and he's a sweet old gumpy man that doesn't have a clue about what's going on. They both enjoy each others company and they both enjoy painting.

When I read the message, I didn't think much of it just because of the lack of urgency that my mom had used. So I continued with my morning until I got another text from my mom about ten minutes later saying "when are coming home?" I wasn't in the mood to try to stay away from my house, so I told her i'd be leaving shortly, but she quickly replied saying she was on her way to get me. Without question I agreed to go.

As I got in the car, my mom was silent. I asked her about the apartment, and before she gave me an answer, her phone rang. It was a doctor. She was informing her on all the medication my grandmother had been taking. It continued like that until I reached my house.

When I walked got out the car, she finally hung up the phone. Immediately she started informing on what happened and what's going to happen as if she was thinking about them the whole phone call. I was informed that the top of the house was gone. I was in shock, was this a joke? how'd this happen? Questions started to flow through my mind rapidly. I wanted to see her and her house immediately.

I got a bite to eat and changed into some better clothes. I guess my mom was already there, and it wasn't looking so good. We departed for the scene

As we reached the apartment, I could see the damage. There was debris thrown outside of her home and there were a few workers putting boards on the windows. I could see soot on the roof. We pulled into an available space and got out of the car. As i got out, i noticed something that caught my eye. A cat. A black cat to be more precise. and it was staring at the apartment, as if it had something to do with it. It didn't move once to look at us, it kept its eyes on the burned wreck. It gave me an uncomfortable feeling.

As I strayed up to the stairs, I searched through the scraps of unknown on her driveway. It hadn't looked too bad from the outside, but looks are always deceiving.

The first thing I saw when I approached her apartment was broken glass from her neighbors firebox. I felt like i was being retold a story by the surroundings. I interpreted what had happened.

As I finally walked inside, only to imagine the worst.

Her living room wasn't too bad, but there was still damage; covers over the couch, a hole in the roof, and a toppled chair. I could still feel the water on the flood from the water hose. I was anticipating seeing the upstairs.

Everything started to finally hit me as I walked upstairs. The smell started to become more distinct and noticeable. I looked up to see a blanket of black. It looked like a shadow was inside of the house. Glass shards were everywhere. There were black hand prints all over the walls. I could hear the screams that had taken place hours before.

Agony.

As I reached the top I was in disbelief. Everything was... gone. Just like my mom said. What use to be a desk is now apart of the floor, necklaces look like spider webs, and the floor was so black you couldn't tell which was the floor and which was burnt items.

I stood there skeptical. I started to think about everything. The past, the future, and more important, the present. I remember all of the memories I had in this silly place. this is where we watched our super bowl sundays, this is where the family came to swim during the summer, this is where I had my first near death experience by discovering I was allergic to bee's. Then I started to think about everything that's going to have to change just to adapt to this situation. I was already mentally preparing to give up my money, room, and free time. Then I snapped back into reality. I was standing in what use to be Omma's house.

I could see everything that had happened. Where it happened first, their direction of travel; like a flashback of a memory I once gripped. At the same time, I could barely see anything. As I was standing there, the workers put up the last of the wooden boards. If you wanted to know what I saw after that, just close your eyes, and you're standing in my grandma's house.

How could anyone have survived this?

As I stared into the dark abyss, I heard a voice, coming from outside. Everyone had left, it was just me and my mom in the house at this point. who could this be? I thought to myself. I ran downstairs to see Mikey standing there with his sister-in-law.

"My stuff!" He immediately shouted.

I turned to my mom and asked "Why is Mikey in perfect in condition and Omma in the hospital?"

She softly answered "Because Omma risked her life to save Mikey, She ran to his room, covered his mouth with her hands and guided him downstairs."

I took this into perspective and realized the extreme that had to be taken for that to happen. Omma suffered a blown knee several months prior to this incident by falling down the same stairs that had the everlasting shadow on them.

Mikey ran into the house and stopped as he walked inside. "Oh no." He repeated over and over again.

My mom, Mikey, and his sister-in-law all went upstairs to try to salvage anything of his. I stared out the window. People were looking at the trash on the ground. I was staring at them to try to receive the slightest of sympathy. I couldn't believe what was happening.

This was the only thing Omma had. Gone. All of her personal information gone, all of her clothes, all of her memories.

Gone.

Just as things got quiet, I heard a yell. No, a cry. Mikey's cry. He had finally realized what had happened. That was the worst part.

This house that once was full of numerous memories, is now a disaster full of tears and screams.

After they had got everything they could, they left. and as soon as they left, my mom announced that we are going to leave too. It was too dark to see anything. Without question, i followed her to the car.

As I walked to the car, I got the eerie same eerie feeling I got when I left the car. I looked, and saw that black cat again. still watching. I didn't know how to react, but I asked it; Why did you do this? WHY? GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HERE! After I yelled that, it walked off without even looking at me, as if his job was done. I guess I was just looking for someone to blame as being the one that is supposed to be the strong one of the family.

My mom was quiet most of the visit. The only things she would say is "That's all she had."

As we drove away from the house. I was staring out the window. Trying to think of something other than that house. Right before we left the street, I saw it. The cat was sitting on the corner. Staring at me. I felt a shiver crawl down my spine. I didn't want to look at it anymore, so I looked at my mom and said "Everything will be okay."

My grandma survived this accident, she's still in the hospital actually. She only suffered minor damage to her lungs from inhaling all the soot.

We still don't know what started that fire. Or the intension it had upon Omma and Mikey.

But I will never forget that blank stare that cat gave to me. The stare of death.
  





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157 Reviews



Gender: Female
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Reviews: 157
Thu Mar 03, 2011 2:37 am
onceuponatim3xo says...



Hello! Welcome to YWS! Be sure to check out this thread.

I enjoyed reading this, it kept my attention, but there were a few things that I'd like to mention.

You tend to switch from the past to present tense a lot, just stick to one tense, preferably the past. For example:
It's Saturday morning, and I'm just waking up at my friends apartment after spending the night. I do my daily routine that includes: going to the bathroom, turning on the t.v. and checking my text messages. Nothing out of the ordinary. As i checked my phone, I discovered i have a text message from my mom.

Within the first paragraph you flip flop between tenses.
Try this instead:
It was Saturday morning, and I was just waking up at my friends apartment after spending the night. I did my daily routine that included: going to the bathroom, turning on the t.v. and checking my text messages. Nothing out of the ordinary. As i checked my phone, I discovered i had a text message from my mom.

That flows so much better and makes a whole heck of a lot more sense :P
Along with:
I stood there skeptical. I started to think about everything. The past, the future, and more important, the present. I remembered all of the memories I had in this silly place. This house was where we watched our super bowl sundays, this is where the family came to swim during the summer, this is where I had my first near death experience by discovering I was allergic to bees.


Another thing would be that you tend to omit a lot of words from your sentences. Make sure that you try reading your story aloud to yourself before posting it so that it flows well and you make sure you didn't miss any words.

Overall, it's an interesting story, yet I think it might be even better if you were to expand on it, rather than just telling the reader of the event, give some more background of what kind of a woman his grandmother is so we can feel for her.

PM me with any questions!
-Once
It is better to travel well than to arrive.
-Buddha
  





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53 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 974
Reviews: 53
Sun Sep 18, 2011 4:40 pm
BrooklynWriter says...



Grammar- Green
Details- Red

OptimismUnderRain wrote:This is a true story that actually just recently happened. At the same time, this is also my first story to publish on YWS. so please give me as much comments and feed back as possible. thanks.



It's Saturday morning, and I'm just waking up at my friends apartment after spending the night. I do my daily routine that includes: going to the bathroom, turning on the t.v. and checking my text messages *this seems a little unneeded. If you absolutely love it then I feel it could have been worded better*. Nothing out of the ordinary. As i checked my phone, I discovered i have a text message from my mom. it read "Hey, what's the plan for today? I'm going to see Omma, Her apartment caught on fire. No one is hurt but she's in the hospital." *Ok I've got to say it. This bothers me. I know you address the lack of urgency later on but the whole 'Hey, what's the plan' part is way too laid back. Its disturbing, to be blunt.*

We've called My grandma Omma for as long as I remember. I never really thought about why we called her that, but we just did. Omma is a women in her mid-60's and has dyed puffy red hair. She calls me Mr. igstuff *This looks like jibberish. But I am sort of getting Bigstuff out of it. If that is the case, punctuation is needed and don't forget the 'B'* (another unknown name) and she is that average grandmother; always prepares snacks when we come over, can't hear well, and likes to secretly swear when no one is listening. Omma took care of mentally challenged people at her apartment. The person that's with her now is named Mikey, and he's a sweet old gumpy *grumpy?* man that doesn't have a clue about what's going on. They both enjoy each others company and they both enjoy painting.

When I read the message, I didn't think much of it just because of the lack of urgency that my mom had used. So I continued with my morning until I got another text from my mom about ten minutes later saying "when *Capitalization, my friend. You forgot it. It's ok, you're only human... I hope, but still you must watch out for it* are *you* coming home?" I wasn't in the mood to try to stay away from my house, so I told her i'd *Do I have to say it again? You're killing me here dude.* be leaving shortly, but she quickly replied saying she was on her way to get me. Without question I agreed to go. Why the sudden urgency? It seems pointless to say how not urgent it was and turn around and make it urgent. But that's just my opinion.

As I got in the car, my mom was silent. I asked her about the apartment, and before she gave me an answer, her phone rang. It was a doctor. She was informing her on all the medication my grandmother had been taking. It continued like that until I reached my house.

When I walked got out the car, she finally hung up the phone. Immediately she started informing on what happened and what's going to happen as if she was thinking about them the whole phone call. I was informed that the top of the house was gone. I was in shock, was this a joke? how'd *1) You know what I want to say and 2) How did.*this happen? Questions started to flow through my mind rapidly *This is completely optional but I would have put 'raced around my mind'. But that's just me.. I wanted to see her and her house immediately.

I got a bite to eat and changed into some better clothes. I guess my mom was already there, and it wasn't looking so good. We departed for the scene *To me this just seems like filler, something to take up space. You could do without it.*

As we reached the apartment, I could see the damage. There was debris thrown outside of her home and there were a few workers putting boards on the windows. I could see soot on the roof. *If the whole top floor was gone, there technically wouldn't be a roof.* We pulled into an available space and got out of the car. As i got out, i noticed something that caught my eye. A cat. A black cat to be more precise. and it was staring at the apartment, as if it had something to do with it. *There are way too many 'it's in this sentence the last one should be explain what the cat had something to do with.* It didn't move once to look at us, it kept its eyes on the burned wreck. *Same problem, too many 'it's.* It gave me an uncomfortable feeling.

As I strayed up to the stairs, I searched through the scraps of unknown on her driveway. It hadn't looked too bad from the outside, but looks are always deceiving.

The first thing I saw when I approached her apartment was broken glass from her neighbors firebox. I felt like i was being retold a story by the surroundings. I interpreted what had happened.

As I finally walked inside, only to imagine the worst. *This sentence just doesn't make sense to me. Also, why would the fire department let you in the burned apartment?*

Her living room wasn't too bad, but there was still damage; covers over the couch, a hole in the roof, and a toppled chair. I could still feel the water on the flood *floor* from the water hose. I was anticipating seeing the upstairs. *Also doesn't make sense to me, and the tiniest part of me that understands it, feels it could be worded better.*

Everything started to finally hit me as I walked upstairs. The smell started to become more distinct and noticeable. I looked up to see a blanket of black. It looked like a shadow was inside of the house. Glass shards were everywhere. There were black hand prints all over the walls. I could hear the screams that had taken place hours before.

Agony.

As I reached the top I was in disbelief. Everything was... gone. Just like my mom said. What use to be a desk is now apart of the floor, necklaces look like spider webs, and the floor was so black you couldn't tell which was the floor and which was burnt items.

I stood there skeptical. I started to think about everything. The past, the future, and more important, the present. I remember all of the memories I had in this silly place. this is where we watched our super bowl sundays, this is where the family came to swim during the summer, this is where I had my first near death experience by discovering I was allergic to bee's. Then I started to think about everything that's going to have to change just to adapt to this situation. I was already mentally preparing to give up my money, room, and free time. Then I snapped back into reality. I was standing in what use to be Omma's house.

I could see everything that had happened. Where it happened first, their direction of travel; like a flashback of a memory I once gripped. At the same time, I could barely see anything. As I was standing there, the workers put up the last of the wooden boards. If you wanted to know what I saw after that, just close your eyes, and you're standing in my grandma's house.

How could anyone have survived this?

As I stared into the dark abyss, I heard a voice, coming from outside. Everyone had left, it was just me and my mom in the house at this point. who could this be? I thought to myself. I ran downstairs to see Mikey standing there with his sister-in-law.

"My stuff!" He immediately shouted.

I turned to my mom and asked "Why is Mikey in perfect in condition and Omma in the hospital?"

She softly answered "Because Omma risked her life to save Mikey, She ran to his room, covered his mouth with her hands and guided him downstairs."Then, either they would both be in the hospital or she would have gotten out.

I took this into perspective and realized the extreme that had to be taken for that to happen. Omma suffered a blown knee several months prior to this incident by falling down the same stairs that had the everlasting shadow on them.

Mikey ran into the house and stopped as he walked inside. "Oh no." He repeated over and over again.

My mom, Mikey, and his sister-in-law all went upstairs to try to salvage anything of his. I stared out the window. People were looking at the trash on the ground. I was staring at them to try to receive the slightest of sympathy. I couldn't believe what was happening.

This was the only thing Omma had. Gone. All of her personal information gone, all of her clothes, all of her memories.

Gone.

Just as things got quiet, I heard a yell. No, a cry. Mikey's cry. He had finally realized what had happened. That was the worst part.

This house that once was full of numerous memories, is now a disaster full of tears and screams.

After they had got everything they could, they left. and as soon as they left, my mom announced that we are going to leave too. It was too dark to see anything. Without question, i followed her to the car.

As I walked to the car, I got the eerie same eerie feeling I got when I left the car. I looked, and saw that black cat again. still watching. I didn't know how to react, but I asked it; Why did you do this? WHY? GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HERE! After I yelled that, it walked off without even looking at me, as if his job was done. I guess I was just looking for someone to blame as being the one that is supposed to be the strong one of the family.

My mom was quiet most of the visit. The only things she would say is "That's all she had."

As we drove away from the house. I was staring out the window. Trying to think of something other than that house. Right before we left the street, I saw it. The cat was sitting on the corner. Staring at me. I felt a shiver crawl down my spine. I didn't want to look at it anymore, so I looked at my mom and said "Everything will be okay."

My grandma survived this accident, she's still in the hospital actually. She only suffered minor damage to her lungs from inhaling all the soot.

We still don't know what started that fire. Or the intension *intention* [color=#FF0000]*This also doesn't make sense. There must have been more people than Omma in that apartment. You couldn't have known wheather the fire had been purposely done or if it had to do with Omma or Mikey*[/color] it had upon Omma and Mikey.

But I will never forget that blank stare that cat gave to me. The stare of death.


Overall this was a very good piece with great detail. Keep writing.
~Brook
  








I was flummoxed by fractious Franny's decision to abrogate analgesics for the moribund victims of the recent conflagration. Of course, to display histrionics was discretionary, but I did so anyways, implicating a friend in my drama to make the effect cumulative. I think a misanthrope would have a prosaic appellation, perhaps one related to autonomy and the rejection of anthropocentrism. I think they wouldn't think much of the prominence of watching the coagulation of tea to prognosticate future malevolent events, not even if those events were related to jurisprudence.
— Spearmint