Young Writers Society

Please read: Though this is technically an essay, it doesn't follow normal essay rules. The only real rule is that we need to take an abstract idea or word and make it concrete. She encouraged us to make it more informal and personal, and to find more creative and unique ways of organizing and presenting our ideas. So when critiquing it, look for organization in the sense of flow and is it confusing to readers, Ideas and content, how well my opinion is expressed and communicated, sentence fluency etc... Also remember that this is for school, so keep critiquing appropriate- don't do the editing and rewriting for me, just give a response.




Weak. It is a word associated with an image. When I use it, I think of someone hardened by experience. Someone who has learned that to appear vulnerable is to appear “weak”, so they never do. In my image, a girl like this gazes dispassionately, disgustedly, and cold-heartedly at another girl. This other girl is curled up into a ball, as though trying to hold herself together. She sobs; racking, wrenching sobs they seam to rip and claw their way out of her throat. They are both on stairwell. The first one is standing a few steps up from the second girl and looking down on her, as the strong often look down on the weak. Is my perspective then that weakness is indulging in emotions? And strength comes from hiding those emotions from everyone, including yourself? No. Emotions do not make you weak; neither do they make you strong. They are simply part of being human.

If you were to consult a dictionary, you would find the word weakness listed as another form of the word weak, but they’re not the same thing. In fact, they are very different.

Everyone has a weakness. That is an integral part of humanity. Having a weakness does not make you weak. If that were the case, my entire essay would end up arguing that the human race is just a bunch of weak, sniveling cowards; which couldn’t be further from the truth. What makes you weak is succumbing to your weakness, instead of taking action against it.

If that is my definition of weak, then my image is not a sample of weakness and strength; but two contrasting examples of weakness. The first character has given up, that is why she is crying. Her weakness then, is either that she lacks perseverance or that she lacks the ability to hold on to hope and determination when times become difficult. The second character is not able to retain her humanity and compassion in the face of a harsh and often cruel reality. Each has a weakness; and each becomes weak because they do not fight, they simply give in.

I’ve already stated that everyone has a weakness. Though perhaps I shouldn’t say weakness so much as weaknesses. No one has just one, but rather an accountable amount. These numerous weaknesses are difficult to detect, however. Sometimes, detecting them is hardly short of impossible.

When I look at weak’s opposite, strong, I get words like courage, bravery and power. By definition then, powerful is the opposite of weak, but this is false. The lust for power is mankind’s greatest weakness. As soon as person indulges in that greed, they have revealed that they are too feeble to with stand the temptation of power. They become weak because they stop resisting their own lustful desires. In that sense, some of the most powerful people in the world have also been its weakest.

That is not implying that power is a weakness. Like emotion, having power does not make you weak or strong, it is simply a result of either. As I examine the world and myself, I find that there are so many weaknesses that have not; that I have not even recognized, let alone fought. To be weak is to give up hope for a better future for both yourself and society. To be weak means that you believe that things cannot change, that people cannot change, and that you cannot change. You will accept things as they are instead of fighting to make a better world, and consequently, a better you.

Hi there Artemis.

This is definitely an interesting take on an essay, but it's really interesting. I won't prolong my review any more, but I'm going to go by paragraph.




I hate to say this, but your start is just as weak. It's not a sentence, or phrase or whatever you'd like to start writing with, that's very compelling and appealing to the reader. It's a cliche starter that is best used in other kind of writing. Because you've also specified to only respond and not rewrite, I am telling you that you must rewrite the first line or two. It needs to be stronger, and perhaps a solid sentence and not a single word and/or a fragmented line.

Secondly, I picked up on a few errors throughout this first paragraph and most of which are simply a missed word or two. Also, the following is a sentence or two you should take note of:

She sobs; racking, wrenching sobs they seam to rip and claw their way out of her throat. They are both on stairwell.

I leave it at that. (Hint: there are some mistakes in that quotation.)

Some other things:

Is my perspective then that weakness is indulging in emotions?

Erm, sort of, yeah. Especially in the beginning when you outright write, "When I use it, I think ... " etc. And I am twisting the context of those six words because following it are a few sentences describing what you visualize of "weak" and thus the quotation above (the question thing) is slightly contradictory/redundant to your idealization of the word "weak". And as a little side note, perhaps you should generalize "girl" as "person" instead, or is that a vital part of your idea of weak?

So much weak. <-- bad English. *shudder*

... the human race is just a bunch of weak, sniveling cowards; which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Be careful what you write. However, the rest of that small paragraph (the third one in the entire essay) is very good. I really liked it. Good vocabulary and yadadada.

The same for the fourth paragraph.



In para. 5, you start talking about weakness pluralized. Very good. I find that you're touching base and expanding in all the right places and there's one thing that I'm going to outright go and edit *gasp* because it's simply an elementary edit:

Thesenumerous weaknesses are difficult to detect, however.

Reason: redundancy. That also goes for the line following ("Sometimes, detecting them is hardly short of impossible."). The thing is with that line, you've just rephrased what you said in the line preceding - and it's obviously uncalled for. It wouldn't hurt to just remove the last line in the fifth paragraph of this essay.

I find the rest good, overall.

However ...

Second person use in essays, especially this one.

Twice you used this (para. 2 and the final paragraph as well). Unfortunately, as easy as it may seem, second person isn't much suggested to use in fiction and likewise for non-fiction. It's easy to write but also has the habit of placing readers in awkward positions. It sounds bizarre, but in English we just had a huge discussion about it. You must beware of utilizing the pronoun "you" in any literary piece. I think, that for this type of essay, it's not being executed in the best manner and it might be simpler to remove it entirely and be replaced with another pronoun.

Overall, this was pretty well-written but I'd like to see improvements in the opening paragraphs and the starting sentence(s). That's the biggie, I think, in this essay. Otherwise, it was good and definitely an intriguing topic. I wouldn't have minded to write about this at all It's a pretty wide-open topic, thus leaving the writer some creative space to elaborate on personal ideas. Much better than the comparison/contrast essay I'll be writing within the week.

Any questions about this specific review, don't hesitate to ask me.

Yours,
Lavvie

Heya,
Just out of interest where did the title come from? Its very good :)
I was slightly confused when I started to read this, it started out as an informational thing, you know stating facts and then you went into a strange story? I couldn't quite understand until I forced myself to read on. If you try to make it more clear in the beginning then it might come easier.
Like you could say. For example or something like that.
I like your ideas too, the insight to humanity, the way you look into the way the human mind works, the way you show the difference's between Weakness and Weak is very true.
Though sometimes I find what you are saying a bit... harsh so to speak. It is very true sometimes that people react the way your way of thinking but some people don't. If someone was crying on the staircase obviously upset, I wouldn't stand watching them, I would do the opposite... try to comfort them, make them feel better.
To be weak means that you believe that things cannot change, that people cannot change, and that you cannot change.
It upsets me slightly that you put this... Why after this talk about recovery, how many people recover from weakness or injury.
I really do understand where you are coming from and i validate your opinion completely but try not to be so depressing, state what you believe and talk about things that can happen to turn them around.

You have a very good writing style, I did enjoy reading it. Other then the tiny Grammatical mistakes I thought it was good and like the person before me said that maybe you could change the beginning slightly.
Love,
Evenslily x