Young Writers Society

and I didn't care for him until I heard he was getting fired. He lumbers toward me, and I think about convicts marching towards the chair, the heart stomping emptiness, with his arms swinging as low as his knees. His eyes sit in deep holes, set in sleepless bruise. I watch him, until they leave the floor for me, then my gaze darts away. As he passes, I steal another look. He casts a burly figure, his dark pony tail swings a little with his kinked-knee, duck steps.

I want to talk to him, tell him it is going to be Okay, Alex. But what f-(I won't swear) right do I have to tell this sorry sap sucker, it's going to be a long winter? He'll find out. We sit in the lunch room, joking, talking hockey or rugby - hell, anything except politics. Laughter starts, the laggards eventually giggle their approval of my comparison -- Luongo's form to the Titanic's buoyancy -- all but Alex. He sits glumly, the last third of his Big Mac growing like a tumour (a tumour? yes, yes a tumour) from the back of his hand, until it splits, cheesy guts spilling in his lap. He pinches the guts, like a parlour game claw and stuffs them in his mouth, between chews.

(It feels good striking these keys, like cold water on a burn.)

The rumours spread, and I wonder 'could a rumour about me be out there?' Josh takes longer breaks, they'll say. I feel empty for a moment but these things happen and you get busy so you don't think about every foul word you have uttered across the back of your hand.

A friend told me Alex wants to be a radio presenter, I can see him, too-big head phones framing his expressionless face, but what would he say? It broke my heart. God it hurt. Take my job, I would say, if it made a difference, and damn it I would mean it because

I feel like I'm missing something because of the way it doesn't completely begin or completely end with the first and last sentences (part of the writing exercise?) Like why does it end with "because?" Anyway, this was a really interesting piece of writing - the personality of your character and the interesting perception of Alex definitely made this what it was. Overall, I thought this was really interesting and creative for something so short.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hey, so first of all, I really liked it. It was a little bit confusing (I guess because I'm not really used to this form).
But here are somethings I noticed.

and I didn't care for him until I heard he was getting fired.

I think you should capitalize the word 'and', but you're probably a better writer than me (I'm so unconfident).

and damn it I would mean it because

I guess just the same thing because, I think you should add punctuation.
I think those were the two things that kind of got my nerves, I'm a little bit of a perfectionist.
But it was definately (is that how you spell it?) creative and I did learn some good writing styles from reading this so just keep writing, I guess, I really don't know how to end this.
But I did like it, and the vocabulary was varied which made it even more interesting to read.

JP

Well, this hit close to home. Generally I mean, the content. I respect the briefness of it as well, for I think it mirrored the act of how quick one can lose their financial stability. Though it may have been obviously better a tad lengthened for good measure, I think that the lead in and fall-out of the short excerpt of writing was interesting to have a peek at. You let the audience in for just enough time to get a feel for the feelings and mind-set of the speaker, as well as his viewpoint on the whole "being laid off" deal. 'T is a bogus thing, to say the least. And by chopping it up to be known as point blank, well, nice job.

As this is a writing exercise, I won't really knock you too much for anything that seemed very askew to me, but I have to point out one minor oddity I couldn't quite wrap my head around. Perhaps you could enlighten me.

(It feels good striking these keys, like cold water on a burn.)

I have absolutely very little idea what this was inserted for. I love the poetic sound of it, but I'm not really too sure why something so out of place would be tossed in the way it was here. I found little purpose in it, simply running my eye over it and moving onto the next thing you had to say. Which is why I found myself backtracking to quote it. It didn't serve much purpose in my reading.

Also,

A friend told me Alex wants to be a radio presenter(.) I can see him(;) too-big head phones framing his expressionless face(.) But what would he say?

You always do this. Keep a sentence running longer than it should, inserting commas in place of where periods should surely be. Stop, pause, and breathe, JP. Will help you loads. xD

Now, this may seem weird, --then again, you were the one to write it in the first place with the expectation of a presumable reaction-- but I was totally digging the bit about the Big Mac seen in reference to a tumor. The whole thing just sounded so... sad. There was a depressing vibe I fed off, which seemed rather befitting in a way, linking it with the way you ended this, when the narrator says: "It broke my heart. God it hurt. Take my job, I would say, if it made a difference, and damn it I would mean it because". On top of this though, the last bit altogether was striking the way in which it ended. Though odd, how it was the cut of sudden thought, it did mold to the opening at just the right point for the audience to conclude their own thoughts and feelings in sync with the narrator's.

All in all, short, yes, but interesting to read simply as an exercise, indeed. You are one interesting writer, JP. And I do tend to look forward to all future work from you. Sorry if this was in little ways helpful. I've been a lousy reviewer lately.

-Smylin'

Thanks SmylinG. I don't want my rant to overshadow my work so I have placed it in a spoiler.