Young Writers Society

It was 6AM when she woke her sister, they had been planning to watch their favorite tv show this morning, they were 5 and 9. They were so happy because they've never woke up early enough to watch it, so they were so excited, so happy. Although the rest of the day was not the same as their moods in the beginning.

They turned up the volume to 20 when their father started yelling he was saying it was to loud, saying they need to turn it down. When they didn't do it quick enough his anger flared, their moods changed quicker than ever what once was happiness was now fear and sadness. He ordered them to go into their room the eldest was in front moving as quick as possible and the youngest far behind, tears running down her face, her heart beating like a drum. He said "faster! faster!" but she was so scared she didn't hear, but next thing she knew she was on the ground on her hands and knees, pain in her back and the tears coming even harder, when she realized what had happened she was frozen nothing was going through her mind, and there was no movement, he grabbed her and picked her up, and she thought the worst had passed, she thought he was going to apologize but she was horribly wrong. He threw her then yelled at her to get up, she stammered to her feet and sat their while she got told off, she spent the rest of the day in tears. She never feared another person more than him after that.

GRAMMAR NAZI ALERT! this poem drove me crazy with just 1 simple mistake "When they didn't DONUT quick enough" WOAHH! PROOF READ THE WORK! Also "faster! Faster!" Why isn't the first one capitalized? "nothing was ping" PROOF READ! and movement should be one word. "she thought he was ping to apologize." Another proof reading spot! And this topic was about child abuse? Go more into depth on what she thought and the eldest one though. So once more PROOF READ!

Well done - this is a nice piece of writing!
I agree with the previous reviewer that there a quite a few grammatical errors, which would be worthwhile correcting. As for the writing itself, it is a very good start, however I would try to add a bit more emotion. Really empathise with the characters, and convey this to the reader through the use of imagery and powerful, evocative vocabulary. Try thinking carefully about word choice - rather than choosing the first word you think of, really search for the most fitting one - a word you know will have more impact on the reader. I like the final sentence: I think it concludes the piece with drama and leaves a dark, hard-hitting note.

Overall, good job!