Young Writers Society

Dreamer
The wind slid coolly over the limp shoulders of the girl as Ava sat on the edge of the bluff, her eyes half lidded against the setting sun. She held her long legs pulled tightly to her chest, her arms wrapped around them as she huddled against the cold wind. Her sandy blond hair flickered in the wind, defying the loose white hair-band it had been caged in.
The thick pods of the sea grass rattled in the wind, filling her contemplating mind with a gentle music. Knowing no one was there to hear her, Ava slowly parted her lips and began to hum, allowing the melody flowing through her body to escape into the cooling air. Becoming braver, she allowed the noise to mature into a haunting rhythm as she sang into the wind, her vocalizing joining the wind through the grass like a hymn to the sea.
Images flashed through Ava’s mind as at last she allowed the tears to fall freely from her soul and she unleashed her broken heart for contemplation. The melody within her continued to thrum quietly as she choked back a bitter sob.
She could see Jason’s face, swimming through her thoughts along with all the other blurry faces. He was smiling down at her, nothing but excitement and hope filling his eyes as he patted her shoulder, finally pulling her to him in a tight hug. Feeling foolish she had pushed him away and laughed, telling him to hurry back home.
“Jason.”
The name seemed odd, falling from her lips to disappear on the cool night breeze. Darkness had begun to move in, covering the sea in a secret blanket of blackness. Still Ava remained seated, rubbing her arms roughly against the bitter chill. Goosebumps covered her arms and she sighed.
“Come on Dreamer, wake up and get over here before we all turn gray!” Ava looked up from the tall green grass of the park and smiled warmly at Jason. He stood just under six feet and his blond tousled hair framed his handsome face as he waved at her to join them. He wore a loose blue tank-top and baggy gray shorts. She hurried to him, like a young loyal puppy.
“I’m tired Jason. . . can’t we go home?” Ava had whined, knowing Jason and his friends still would want to remain and play basketball for at least another hour. She hated being the annoying tag-along sister who spoiled everything but she hadn’t even wanted to come in the first place.
“Oh, does it suck to be Ava?” one of Jason’s friends stated snidely, the disgust written across his face enough to injure the six year olds' tender feelings.
“Knock if off man, she didn’t do anything to you.” Jason interjected forcefully, scowling at his friend. “ If she wants to go home, I’ll take her home. You can stay here with the others. I’ll see you tomorrow.” And without another word Jason placed his hand on Ava’s small shoulder and led her away from the surprised young man.
Ava peered across the sea, staring at the black waves as they ate harshly at the rocks interfering with their trip to the shore, splashing up their sides in a large crest. That had been eleven years ago . . . a time when fairy-tales ended in happily ever after and she’d had Jason to protect her from the world.
Slowly Ava pulled out a medallion that she’d carried in her pocket for the last week. She wiped her tears away as she stared at it sadly. It had been a Monday night, spaghetti dinner then football and popcorn at the big screen tv in the living room. She’d just been dosing off, nestled against the plush armchair when the doorbell had rung.
Her mother had gotten up to see who it was and Ava had tried to return to her slumber. She couldn’t though, an odd feeling of dread pushing at her consciousness. When her mother hadn’t returned for the last five minutes of the game Ava rose and entered the kitchen. She had found her mother sobbing in one of the kitchen chairs and felt her heart drop to the bottom of her soul.
“Ava sweety . . . Jason isn’t coming home.” That was all Ava had needed to hear to confirm her premonition. Her brother had been drafted into the war two years earlier. He had often been in life-threatening situations but he had always survived. In Ava’s eyes her big brother was invincible. So why was her mother telling her she would never see him again?
Because he’s dead. Ava though bitterly. Your big brother, the one who stood up for you, who loved you as his sister, who was the best brother in the entire world, the one you knew would be back any day; Jason the invincible soldier . . . is dead.
“Jason . . . ” Ava whispered to the sea, at last rising to her feet. She stared down at the jagged rocks below, her heart aching. “Because of you I’ll never have to stop dreaming. Thank you. ”
And then Ava turned and headed through the tall grass toward the cluster of building’s that created their neighborhood, the small medallion glinting in the moonlight as the waves washed over it rhythmically, echoing the song of the dreamer.

Wow. Absolutely wonderful. Breath-taking, if I can say that without being too terribly cliche. But seriously, that's a great piece of work. And I don't think I saw one type in there at all. Well done!

A few suggestions: (and I have no idea how to do this offically, so I'm wingin' it..)

When you say:

"Her sandy blond hair flickered in the wind, defying the loose white hair-band it had been caged in."

Try using a different word for sandy - something with more meaning and depth. And then the 'caged in' part, I love that, but again, maybe there's a better word for caged. Something along the lines of captive, perhaps? Eh, just an idea.

And then:

"Her mother had gotten up to see who it was and Ava had tried to return to her slumber. She couldn’t though, an odd feeling of dread pushing at her consciousness. When her mother hadn’t returned for the last five minutes of the game Ava rose and entered the kitchen."

Why did Ava rise? You said there was an 'odd feeling of dread' but how ODD was that feeling? Was it so huge, that she couldn't possibly ignore the nagging, and terrible touch? Describe that EVEN more, and that'll be gold.

I think that's it... I really liked the piece, and wanted to know more. But thanks for even reading this. I hope I helped.

Thank you,
Rachel

Hi Dakota! I saw this posted awhile ago but have only managed to get around to reviewing now. This is a very beautiful work and I really enjoyed it. ^^ That's actually why I'm reviewing this. I enjoyed it so much I had to grace it with a proper review.

The wind slid coolly over the limp shoulders of the girl as Ava sat on the edge of the bluff, her eyes half lidded against the setting sun.

I find this sentence is doing a bit too much. By rearranging a few words and naming Ava earlier, you could really cut down on the slight clunkiness of this sentence. Just to give you an idea, I'd re-write the sentence like so:

The wind slid coldly over Ava's limp shoulders. She sat on the edge of the bluff, her eyes half lidded against the setting sun.

Of course, that is only a suggestion, but I find that if you would put Ava's name in earlier, it would be better. Especially as an opening line.

Her sandy blond hair flickered in the wind, defying the loose white hair-band it had been caged in.

I like the language you're using, but this line stands out to me. By using "caged" to describe this, you're giving the work a somber feel.

Images flashed through Ava’s mind as at last she allowed the tears to fall freely from her soul and she unleashed her broken heart for contemplation.

I find this sentence a bit long. The "and" can be replaced with a period (there would be a lot more punch given if that were to happen) and I'm slightly confused as to why you used "as" in the first part of this sentence (in italics). I think it would read better as "and"

swimming through her thoughts along with all the other blurry faces.

This line is slightly confusing in context, in my opinion. If she can see his face, and his face is grouped with the other faces, why does she call them "blurry"? Wouldn't her brother's face stand out in her memories? I would rework this segment specifically to get rid of that confusion.

Goosebumps covered her arms and she sighed.

I think this line would be better broken up (at the "and").

He wore a loose blue tank-top and baggy gray shorts.

This is a nice detail, but you must ask yourself if we really need it. If the answer is no, then it should be cut.

like a young loyal puppy.

I find "young" and "puppy" contradict themselves here. I would delete "young."

She hated being the annoying tag-along sister who spoiled everything but she hadn’t even wanted to come in the first place.

I would like at least a comma in front of the "but" here, possibly replacing it with a period. It would also be nice to get a little more explanation on why she had to tag along. It would make this feel more complete.

“Knock if off man, she didn’t do anything to you.” Jason interjected forcefully, scowling at his friend.

Minor little grammar thing: The period at the end of the dialogue should be a comma.

I would rethink using "interjected." It might be the perfect word for this, but sometimes simple words, especially when describing dialogue, are better.

a time when fairy-tales ended in happily ever after and she’d had Jason to protect her from the world.

Aww. This was so beautiful and heartbreaking.

Slowly Ava pulled out a medallion that she’d carried in her pocket for the last week.

I'd like more explanation about the medallion, please.

“Because of you I’ll never have to stop dreaming. Thank you. ”

I feel so badly pointing this out, but I don't really understand this piece of dialogue. Some more explanation on the nick-name would make it clearer, I think.

And then Ava turned and headed through the tall grass toward the cluster of building’s that created their neighborhood,

I would delete "and then" from this sentence. It's unnecessary.

the small medallion glinting in the moonlight as the waves washed over it rhythmically, echoing the song of the dreamer.

This line puzzles me somewhat. If we had more on the medallion it would be better. It might also make the dialogue I quoted earlier more understandable.

*

This was very beautiful, although I did find a lose end or two. Mostly when you're talking about the medallion. The rest was really an emotional work.

One thing I would watch is your use of "and" along with "but" to combine sentences. If you want to do that, put a comma in front of the word so we pause there. Although often, it is possible to delete "and"/"but" without losing anything in your sentences.

This was just beautiful to read, and I realize it took a lot of courage to post. I just couldn't see such a powerful work walk away with the minor issues I found.

PM me if you need anything.

~Rosey

I love this. The detail in this writing is beautiful, and not over done one bit.
It really gives a clear image. Well done

The kindness the older brother has for his younger sister
is brilliant, as well as unexpected. It makes for a nice surprise.

who was the best brother in the entire world,

This seems a little too cliche, for a story so creative and unique.
i don't know, maybe it's just me.. but i think you could find a
better way to describe Ava's love for her older brother or perhaps
just leave it out all together.

The medallion mentioned in the story was confusing to me.
It seemed irrelevant. Maybe when writing it, it had more
significance to you. But to make more sense to the reader,
you should add some background into the story about it.

Lastly, the ending to your story is perfect.
It's peaceful and gives a nice feeling of conclusion.


Grammar

“Knock if off man, she didn’t do anything to you,” Jason interjected forcefully, scowling at his friend.

Wow, that was beautiful and sad. I could hear wind and a hunting melody as I read.

Well written,
~FW~