Young Writers Society

“Do you see that stoplight?” exclaimed Hal as I was driving down Bell Boulevard for the first time.

“I didn’t see it,” I timidly responded with my hands shaking at the wheel.

“You’re the one driving this car; no one else is driving it for you. You step behind the wheel and it’s your responsibility to get where you’re going, no distractions and no looking for conflict,” he yelled matter-of-factly.

“I’m not feeling too great,” I lied, surrendering the wheel to the next driver.

I would put some sort of break here because it shifts from a narrative to a different tone. Sort of a moment of panic to a calm, level headed person who is explaining a problem. I love how Hal acts like the "standard person" who makes it seem like driving is the easiest thing in the world when really, it's only because he's probably done it many times before.

You eat, you bathe, you get a job, and somewhere in between you learn how to drive. Driving is one of the most basic skills adults in most areas need to learn so that they can get around and be independent. For most people it’s as easy as riding a bike, but I, am a statistics person. I knew going into this that driving is about the most dangerous thing one does in an average day, which is why I’ve never been afraid of flying or roller coasters—which cause far less accidents yearly. But me, driving? How was a tiny girl like me going to operate this 4,000 pound gas-guzzling monstrosity? Maybe, I couldn't do it. I mean hey, G-d gave out all the gifts before we were born, perhaps I didn’t wait on the driver’s line because I was too busy in the line for academics and leadership. That HAD to be the reason; after all,everything in the world has balance!

I don't think 'basic' is the correct word because in reality, it can be quite complex as you described earlier. Maybe something like: "Driving is one of the most essential skills an adult requires." and then you can split the second part into another sentence because it does sound a tad bit awkward. Love the part where you mention statistics and the car. Had a little nerd moment, I think the same way: "why do people trust one another with an object that is full capable of killing another person? They're more widely distributed than firearms!" There's a hyphon between G and d, did you do that on purpose, it was it actually suppose to say God? The only other thing I would like to mention is that the last part sounded out of place without some sort of transition. So I threw in 'after all', see if you like it. This paragraph establishes the issue well and the doubt that comes with it.

I got home that day and told my parents that maybe I really am not the driving type. I’m anxious, I’m nearsighted, I’m too short to reach the pedals, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…

The “I can’t” mindset stops millions of people everyday from accomplishing their goals. They don’t lose the weight, they don’t go for the interview, they don’t ask that girl out and not because they can’t, but because they are afraid of failing. Failure is something that we are destined to do. Most of us are great at it (I fail to walk without tripping over my own feet at least twice a day). If we were all perfect beings we wouldn’t need to live because there would be no room for growth, our biggest triumph. The important thing in life is to never give up, because if you do, you’re only losing the battle against your strongest impediment—yourself. No one is expecting us to emanate with grace 24/7, but we are expected to keep pushing forward.

The hardest part of a problem: admitting it to loved ones. Loved how it looked like your mind was clouded with all these thoughts of failure and their excuses. Then bam, you hit us in the face with your next paragraph. This paragraph hits hard because EVERYONE can connect with it. The little humor you add about tripping is hilarious as well. It is very motivation and makes us feel that we're not alone. Some of the sentences feel long. That is the only complaint I have. But the paragraph was near perfect in my opinion.

50 hours, 30 scoldings, 20 parallel parks, 10 broken U-turns, 5 crying episodes, 3 near pedestrian collisions, and 1 ounce of that Jewish stubbornness later, I danced home with the black and white proof of my persistence—the highly anticipated (interim) driver’s license. I’m glad I stuck it out. I bet Hal would be proud of me right now (and also terribly petrified that I’m on the road without him). I’m proud of myself for taking the wheel and choosing the correct road to take.

Transition before the paragraph would be nice, such as: "With my former mentality, there was no way I could accomplish what I wanted. But..." or "So I kept pushing forward." The only thing to note is that your tense switches in the middle. I know it'll sound wierd to say "I was glad," but it sounds even more wierd when it switches like that. Another suggestion would be taking that out and making it into another paragraph, and then elaborating a little bit more. The first sentence could easily be stretched out into two or three if you wanted to add some detail as to what happened.