Young Writers Society

###This is certainly the most lifelessly I could write, is this more appropriate for scholarship essays or do I give it a some imagination?

Education is the back bone of a nation. This is a saying that I have grown up hearing and have believed in greatly. I have learned over the years how important education can really be, how it can easily change the value of a person to the society, how it can have a profound impact on the life of a person and his or her family. Therefore I have always strived to do the best in studies. To me, it is not just about achieving the grades on an institution’s requirement list- it is about doing the best, breaking the records and proving to those watching that there is no limit to success.

I have always been a very determined and hardworking child, I have also been very dedicated to my work. And my teacher’s comments and grades from kindergarten up to now stand as evidence to these personal qualities of mine. I have always known my priorities and therefore I have never wasted too much time on television, internet or novels. I find gaining knowledge a very interesting thing to do and therefore in my spare time I practice this passion of mine by trying to improve my general knowledge about our present world. But all this has never affected me giving a helping hand to my society. I am always ready to solve the troubles of my fellow students and my juniors, this is why I have been providing extra help to the students of my school through extra tutorial classes. I have also always been very keen to help out as a volunteer in school at functions and therefore have provided such help. Nevertheless, I have still participated with eagerness on certain social and school cultural functions doing poetry recitations, etc and in school competitions like debate and speech competitions. I have also always been ready to take on responsibility and have proved myself very a trustworthy person on various occasions.

Since the beginning, teachers have always commented on my inquisitiveness and on my ability to grasp even the most complex concepts very easily. My interest and determination has also been complimented several times. I know that I will certainly be able to reach my goals, if provided with the right chances. I have never let anyone down and I will certainly not do so on the road ahead. I will continue my attempts to gain more knowledge and give back to the community and nation, and also certainly to the family, who have provided me with so much and raised me to be who I am today. I will strive on to reach my goal and be a successful person, Insha’Allah.

Hi there!

Ah, college essays, I hated writing them! I'd be doing my application on line and then I'd reach the page with an essay and I'd put it off! But one thing I found out about writing them is that it's not a test to see how much you have learned in your 13 years of education up to this point. While reading your essay, an admissions counselor wants to see your personality and get really get to know you.

The essay still has to be written in a formal way, but you don't have to be so 'lifeless' when writing it. Use your imagination. Write about the troubles and difficutlies you've facedand tell them how you overcame them. Tell them about your best friend who moved away the summer after eigth grade and explain how you were scared to death to go to High School without them. Tell them about the day that you brought home your new puppy. Share a real world situation and compare it to your studies. Dig deep inside you and find a story worth telling. Think of it as writing a story, just in essay form.

So with saying that, I have a few corrections to make to this. You did a really great job with punctuation and sentence structure and all that jazz. There were a few sentences that I thought you could change up a bit to make it sound bettter.

I am always ready to solve the troubles of my fellow students and my juniors, this is why I have been providing extra help to the students of my school through extra tutorial classes.

It looks like you are trying to explain the tutoring you did in high school, right? I've read this sentence a couple of times, and I just don't like the way it sounds. Instead, you could say: "I am always there to be a helping hand among my fellow students. I have been providing academic assistance in the form of tutoring classes to my classmates." Does that sound better? You don't have to use it if you don't want to.

Nevertheless, I have still participated with eagerness on certain social and school cultural functions doing poetry recitations, etc and in school competitions like debate and speech competitions.

This one is another sentence that I think you should change. Honestly, when first reading it I had to re-read it many times. I suggest something along the lines of: "I have always enjoyed participating in social and cultural functions at my school. I have participated in several poetry slams and speech and debate competitions."

I have also always been ready to take on responsibility and have proved myself very a trustworthy person on various occasions.

How about you can say: "I am always ready to take on responsibilities. Over the years I have proved my self quite trustworthy and have been given a number of responsibilities because of this."

My interest and determination has also been complimented several times.

Here's what I would say: "My interest in school and my determination to succeed is what sets me apart. My teachers have told me they believe these qualities are the reason why I have made it this far. But I don't just want to stop, I want to reach the top."

Those were just a couple ways I thought you could make this better. It's certainly a good essay and there's no reason that you shouldn't submit it. Good luck! I hated college admissions. I sent out six applications and in the end my parents decided I was going to community college. So all those applications didn't matter.

I see you have posted another essay. I think I will wander over there and give my opinion on that too. See ya soon!

Hey!

Scholarship essays, nice! First of all, I really wish you luck.

Since I think the reviewer above tackled a lot of the fine points of your essay, I think I'll just give you an overall impression. I agree with adding a little more life to this, a little more creativity. I think you should remember that scholarships are highly competitive. I'm not saying that your accomplishments aren't impressive. I'm just saying that all the other applicants are going to be waving much the same stuff in front of the judges noses. Telling them that you've done well academically might not be quite important because I believe that in judging for scholarships, a transcript of your grades is attached to your application. Telling them things like you're hardworking, honest, driven... and all those kinds of things will be stuff they've heard before as well. You can still put those things in, but maybe you can intersperse your list of accomplishments with concrete evidence or maybe little anecdotes exhibiting your character as a person.

I think beginning the article with a general view of education isn't a good idea as well. This is a scholarship for YOU. I think it's important to make your own impression at the beginning. Draw them in to the girl who needs this scholarship and by that mention what an education would mean to her.

I like your ending. I like the fact that you're tying your education to helping the nation, and I think promises give the impression that you really have a focus.

Anyway, these are just some thoughts. This is your essay, after all, and your opportunity. I really wish you the best.

--nixie