Young Writers Society

I wonder what they’re doing right now.

Actually, I don’t. I don’t want to think about it. I won’t think about it.

The world is absolutely silent tonight, except for the clack of the ceiling fan. The heat is almost unbearable so I keep it going at top speed, even though the racket keeps me from falling asleep.

I have never felt so alone.

It doesn’t help in the least bit that I saw him today. He said, “Hey.” I panicked, ran into a door, then turned right around and bolted away in the other direction. I’m sure I’ll look back in a few years and find that moment amusing, but right now it still makes me sick that I even had to look at him. It makes me sick that he thinks he can still look at me and that he thinks I’m all right. I am most definitely not all right.

The way he looks at her shows me beyond a shadow of a doubt that love is real. It’s so clear that it makes me want to cry. (In fact, I have cried about it.) It was so much easier when I didn’t believe in love. Back then, I could pretend there wasn’t a reason I had never found love. Now there’s no denying that something must be wrong with me. I don’t know what, though, and I’m halfway afraid to find out. They tell me I’m cool, they tell me I’m talented, they even tell me I’m amazing and beautiful. But they always end it with, “You’re just not the right one for me.” I smile and nod, but in my heart I’m screaming and crying and wondering where the hell I went wrong. But I digress.

In actuality, I want him not to care at all. I don’t even want to be a stray thought at the back of his mind, a shadow in his memory. I want him to forget about me completely. He’s hurt that I won’t speak to him, and that’s why I wish he didn’t care. Then we could go our merry ways and maybe someday, just someday we might run into each other again and it wouldn’t hurt so much. Maybe someday I’ll be able to look him in the eye and say, “Hey, how’s it going?” without running into anything or panicking and elbowing my way through a crowd. But that day is not today, nor tomorrow, nor any time in the perceivable future.

As for right now, I am discontent to sit here in my bed, alone, and stare at that spot on the wall I’ve been meaning to paint over. I’m unhappy, and there’s nothing I can really do except ride it out. I have to let the pain bathe me, because I can’t find the use of my limbs anymore to fight it. And when the tears are all dried out of my head, I’ll close my weary eyes and dream of sleep. I won’t think of her lying in the crook of his arm. I won’t think of the kisses he gave her as she fell asleep. I won’t think of why I wasn’t good enough. I’ll just breathe, and wait for the sun to rise on my life.

Hi so I will be reviewing your work, as if that wasn't obvious. I wont be tedious with all the spelling and grammar errors but will just point out what I think could use a little work. So lets get started shall we?

It makes me sick that he thinks he can still look at me and that he thinks I’m all right.

You don't need the "that he" we know its him thinking it.

The world is absolutely silent tonight, with the exception of the clack of the ceiling fan.

I really like the fact that you said "The world" rather than "The room" it gives it a much wider prospective of how much she feels alone. As if the room she is lying in is as big as the world and that there is no one there with her in the world. Nice job.

I don't really like all the "they". I am confused about who you are talking about.

Other than that is a beautifuly written peice. Spelling looks good and so does the grammar. Its deep and meaningful, the way it should be. I hope to see more like it soon!

Hello
This is hauntingly moving and awfully relateable. Literally awful, because I bet there's a million girls who know exactly this feeling, or close enough. Your descriptions are accurate and not laboured - hurrah! I could basically go on and say how your spelling was top notch, your pacing was lovely - not too long, hurrah! Because it doesn't have to be long to be powerful, as you so talentedly proved.

I will, however, be irritating and point out one or two grammar/punctuation niggles

I don’t know what, though, and I’m halfway afraid to find out.

I don't think I've seen "halfway" used in this context before, and I'm not sure it works. Are you trying to say "I'm partly afraid to find out" or maybe "I'm half-afraid to find out"... Maybe then something like "I don't know what, though, and while I'm curious, I'm half-afraid to find out." Maybe?

In actuality, I want him to not care at all.

This concept that I am about to share with you will feel uncomfortable to you at first, but I promise that it's right. You know Star Trek, "To boldy go where no man has gone before"? yeah, that's wrong. In English, the verb infinitive is two words: "to" and whatever else, like "to go" and "to play" etc etc. And we're not allowed/supposed to put the adverb in the middle - it's called a split infinitive. Unfortunately, I think Stephen Fry and I are the only people left who give a damn, but it's something you can feel superior about if you make sure you do when writing, at least (it's far too easy to do it in speech to make sure you do it all the time). So here, you should have "In actuality, I want him not to care at all."

But that day is not today, nor tomorrow, nor any time in the perceivable future.

I think the phrase is "conceivable future" but now I'm faced with it, I'm not sure - that feeling is so frustrating! You know, when you suddenly look at a word and go "that's not how you spell it... no, wait, it is... no, it isn't - oh whoops, ramble alert

So yeah, this was awesome.

~*cottonrulz*~

I feel you on every little bit of this. Stuff like this is really hard to write, especially when you're still in the thick of it. But thanks for sharing this with everyone.

As far as a critique goes, I can't find anything grammatically wrong with it, which is good. I could allow myself to get caught up in the narrative, seeing how the speaker plays out her emotions, finding that little bit of solace in a world without support. Excellent work.

I wish I could tell you more, I really do. But this so perfectly captures the pain of heartache that there really isn't much more to say, other than I hope this helped you sort out your feelings and you can begin the road to recovery from here.

Excellent job. I'd love to read more from you.

KF