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The biggest risk I ever took & How I survived biology class



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Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:05 am
beccalicious94 says...



Preface: These are personal essays I am writing for admissions to university. Of course, all constructive criticism is welcome. Happy reading!

1.

The biggest risk I ever took was going to a pizzeria on a Friday afternoon.

My friend James and I found ourselves in Union Square: James with his slice of pepperoni pizza and me sheepishly leafing through a container of overpriced lettuce. My teachers from the conservative yeshiva I attended would have scolded me had they known I was entering a non-kosher eatery, and on the eve of the Sabbath of all times!

I was going against everything I had known my entire life. However, I was committed to finding out the truth I had been sheltered from for so many years. How could I deny myself this opportunity for personal exploration?

James turned out to be the perfect sounding board for introspection on my beliefs. After talking with James about the fundamentals of religion, its practicality in the modern world, and the current state of Israel, I had met my match. For the first time, my views were questioned. I had to defend both to James and to myself why I believed what I did; the “I was brought up this way” answer was not going to suffice anymore. While chatting with James was eye opening, my beliefs were about to be reevaluated on a level I never anticipated.

One night, I found out the friend I had known so warmly was gay; the first gay person I had ever knowingly encountered.

This was no grand revelation on a mountaintop; a mutual friend told me in advance. At first, I couldn’t accept it. How could someone I cared about so deeply identify himself with a lifestyle that I was taught was immoral? This had nothing to do with James’ morality, it was about my own. How could I pride myself on having such high moral standards when I was being so judgmental? It wasn’t a matter of validating homosexuality or not, the problem was my closed mindedness to a concept that was new to me.

I learned to understand James by spending more time with him. So what if he liked boys? He was one of the nicest and most selfless people I ever met—a friend who had made me laugh and had helped me through some anxious days, and not fitting in at school. He taught me how to act pragmatically when situations were not ideal, and reminded me that everything is not as it seems. James was the person who admired my curiosity and activism for causes I feel passionate about. Reciprocally, I learned to appreciate him being who he is: proud and fearless in the face of opposition. As our friendship progressed, I became more socially aware, and started to worry less about not fitting in; I realized that I, like James, was born to stand out and make a difference.

After accepting James’ sexual orientation, I became more sensitive to the commonplace homophobic slurs in the hallways. Until meeting James, I never thought anything of them. Now, upon hearing one, I say something--both because it is offensive and because I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a slur. A friend asked me how I was becoming more religious if I had a gay best friend--the two were mutually exclusive in his mind. But to me, this was no contradiction. By learning to accept people who are different from me and relate to their hardships, I have become a better human being and thus feel closer to the entity that created us all.

2.

Cholesterol...Choleric...Cholera...
Portfolio...Rapport...Transport…
Cation...Catabolism...Catastrophe...
Eurythmic...Eubacteria...Eukaryote...Eureka!

As fascinated as I am by the intricacies of biological systems, I often find myself sitting in biology class doodling in the margins of my notebook. Embossed with endoplasmic reticula and plastered with phospholipid bilayers the words come alive as the concepts are depicted. In the corners I leave myself to draw the chains of glucose and the formulation of glycogen, hyperglycemia and licorice.

This uncanny obsession with etymology is both entertaining to the victims of my linguistic tangents and disappointing when it isn't the catalyst for impeccable grades in biology class—despite my best efforts for an interdisciplinary approach to learning. The scientific way of thinking is only half the fun provided from an education in biology, the other half, for those of us inclined to venture beneath the epidermis of the material, is rich in historical and linguistic deposits.

My contributions to class discussions appear as important as the pancreas, but I have discovered that without applying them to what we are learning, they seem as useless as the appendix. My approach in it of itself is not a substitute for substantive learning of the course material. Nonetheless, by submitting to the notion that academic subjects are all inclusive, intellect and personality are subdued, making subbing the adventure down to the subcutaneous crux of biology impossible.

Utilizing a linguistic perspective to enhance the understanding of biology is not unlike studying comparative embryology or evolution. Just like organisms share similarities and evolve so do words. Etymology like evolutionary relationships is useful in appreciating conventional knowledge and usage. Linguistics as a supplement rather than a substitution for submergence into other academia is a method for amplification and uniting knowledge into cohesive and coordinating links.

Originally apprehensive about studying advanced biology, my interest has since germinated due to an appreciation of its relevance. Whether applying symbiosis to understanding human relationships (which incidentally is a great topic for poetry) or discovering that classifying protists can help cure malaria and other diseases, the study of life is no small feat. Maybe one day science majors will take classes that intersect English with Biology; at the very least it will help them remember a few more words.

From dehydration synthesis to diction and syntax, I hope to attend Yale to synthesize all this information and let academic subjects work in synergy.
  





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Fri Nov 25, 2011 4:01 am
XxMattxX says...



I haven't had time to fully read this, but there was just one thing I couldn't overlook.

Spoiler! :
The title.
It's an automatic *ugh*.
It doesn't sound right, and I find it hard to take it seriously as a university application when the English doesn't run properly.

Try: The Biggest Risk I've Ever Taken and How I Survived Biology Class
or
The Biggest Risk I've Ever Taken: How I Survived Biology Class

The capitalization was off, and the title was written in a a sort of spoken-only English or dialect, rather than a read English.



The biggest risk I ever took I've ever taken was going to a pizzeria on a Friday afternoon.

-This, right here is repetitive and choppy. You don't have to repeat you title in order to let the reader know what you are talking about. You could very well just set the stage for the setting and actions. We already *know* we are going to here about this 'big risk'. We just need to know what, where, and how it was.

ex; I was at the pizzeria* one afternoon.
-This could be a nice beginning sentence. It actually makes someone want to read more and feels as though you will tell them more without adding unneeded filler. Using 'the' instead of 'a' personalizes the sentence. It gives it an identity, and makes us feel like you know of the place you are referring to, rather than just a random pizzeria.

* for further personalization, you could replace 'the pizzeria' with a specific name. Then add a comma, 'a pizzeria in my city', or something like that.

My friend James and I found ourselves in Union Square: James with his slice of pepperoni pizza and me sheepishly leafing through a container of overpriced lettuce. My teachers from the conservative yeshiva I attended would have scolded me had they known I was entering a non-kosher eatery, and on the eve of the Sabbath of all times!

-That sentence seems like it should begin a new paragraph. It doesn't go with the rest of the paragraph it is in, so it leaves me confused. It's up to you entirely, but maybe you could rearrange this a little to makes sure that it flows, and the ideas don't just automatically change up on the reader. Right now, you just slapped that idea on us.


That was overwhelming. I'm sorry ( that's just one part) that I can't continue this review currently, but I hope I've helped a lot with it so far. In order to make you collage essay stand out, it first has to be well put-together. especially if you wan tot apply to a relatively prestigious school, you need to show that you are up to par.

I've helped a good number of my older friends with their college essays in the past, so hope I did the same for you. The real issues I see here are with proper use of English and redundancy. You repeat yourself often and just slap into a new thought without a proper transition. Gosh, I know I am tearing this apart, but this has potential, but the potential is overshadowed by the awkward English.

I suggest you read this aloud to yourself to see if it flows. If you need to stop more than three times a paragraph to look over and see if what you wrote makes sense, then it probably won't do so well when it's scrutinized.
So, yeah.

This still needs plenty of editing, but it's not terrible.
So be encouraged!

-Jojo
Solvalery/GeeLyria Fans
Link
  





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Fri Nov 25, 2011 6:10 am
Lava says...



Yo Becca!

I can't comment because I haven't written any essays but I can voice my thoughts on the second.

As a bio-related major, it's waay cool! And sometimes that;s how I think as well!

Portfolio...Rapport...Transport… --> I didn't quite follow the thought process here.


My only quip is you let these metaphors dictate your essay. Slow down a bit, maybe? You're showing a lot of interest in the subject and understanding it, but I would suggest adding a couple more points on perhaps some science fairs or presentation you might've given. Show some achievement.
What I'm saying is, don't hide under layers of metaphors. Use them, keep them as a translucent veil. Show that there's a star behind it all.

But it was wonderfully constructed, imo.

Bear in mind, this is from soneone who is absolutely clueless as to how unis work there.
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  








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