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A book that influenced me



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Tue Nov 29, 2011 12:42 am
beccalicious94 says...



As a student in a competitive college-preparatory high school, it is easy to lose yourself in a system where everything is quantifiable. You are measured by the grades you earn, the test scores you receive, and the awards to which you are bestowed. As a freshman, I was ingrained to believe that by meeting idealized measures of success I would be happy. This however was not the case. At times when I was solely focused on academics, I felt dehumanized for lack of individuality. I realized that grades and honors alone are worthless without people with whom to share them.
This is the message I took away from my favorite book, Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom. The book is about a reunion between Mitch and his old dying professor, Morrie, and their last lesson together before Morrie dies: learning the meaning of life and how to live. Morrie explains that many people live meaningless lives even when busy doing things they think are important, because they are chasing the wrong things. The decaying Morrie is more jovial and vivacious than everyone around him for he knows how to live a fulfilling life, by devoting himself “to loving others, to the community around him, and to creating something that gives him purpose and meaning.”

The best part of my high school career was forming communities and niches wherever I went. In school, my academic niche was the Social Studies wing, not because I took almost every accelerated course offered and entered every competition sponsored by the department, but because the department was a family to me. As a volunteer there, I made both photocopies and friends. Schmoozing with teachers about why they started teaching, about current events, and even about my own life, created an unbreakable bond between us. Without marking my academic territory in such a big school, I would have gotten lost in the crowds.

Outside of school however, is where I was rejuvenated to follow Morrie’s words and learned “how to give out love, and let it come in.” Through my youth group NCSY, the Jewish Student Union, and Write On For Israel, my passions transformed into tangible practices. My activities became labors of love and whether it was spending hours planning events, writing motivational speeches, or thinking of ways to get newcomers involved I didn’t feel that I was working because it was enjoyable. As I poured more of my heart and time into the hands of other people involved in these activities I was embraced by the returns of the propagation of one small action. Finding friends to call at two in the morning bawling, whose crises become my crises and whose successes become by successes, and with whom I can talk about serious matters or laugh so hard I cry was what made these activities truly meaningful. The fire ignited by small moments helps illuminate the mundane, and elevates my time spent in the world.
  





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Tue Nov 29, 2011 1:19 am
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Lumi says...



Becca!

It's nice to see that whoever your college prep contact is in your high school has prepared you for the college essay--covering bases and smashing a stamp on the admissions team at whatever university in whatever state. And I understand that it's a stressful idea, trying to surmise your achievements and personality all in a cluster of words. To be very honest, I think you've done a nearly-fantastic job with this, and I assure you that, within reason of to which university you're applying, you're going to leave a mark.

Now, there are places where your grammar gnaws at itself, and other places where your flow is hindered by your strides at being correct.

A few general notes to keep in mind are: italicize the names of literary works; try to avoid using the same word two sentences in a row; be sure that you're using accurate, precise verbs; and pay mind to your comma usage.

The only one that I'll really bleed into for now is the use of verbs. "Illuminate the mundane" and "elevates my time" are unique phrases, but they're not very practical; and you need to keep in mind that, for college essays, practicality takes priority over beauty. Furthermore, the fire you reference with these phrases comes out of nowhere, and I suggest you stick to your guns instead of pulling this purple conclusion out of nowhere. It's a bad nuance to leave on someone's tongue.

I could take this under the knife, give you scathing advice about syntax and flow, and suggest some reconstruction, but you really have done a solid job of cementing this: especially the ideal of service through social constructs.

Best of luck,

-Lumi
I am a forest fire and an ocean, and I will burn you just as much
as I will drown everything you have inside.
-Shinji Moon


I am the property of Rydia, please return me to her ship.
  





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Thu Dec 15, 2011 4:35 pm
Kale says...



and the awards to which you are bestowed

This reads like you are awarded to the award, which is backwards. Writing "and the awards bestowed upon you" is more correct, and far less backwards.

I was ingrained to believe

"Ingrained" is misused here. Beliefs can be ingrained into a person, but a person cannot be ingrained to believe. "Ingrained' is roughly synonymous with "woven", so substituting "woven" is a good check to make sure you're using "ingrained" properly.

At times when I was solely focused on academics, I felt dehumanized for lack of individuality. I realized that grades and honors alone are worthless without people with whom to share them.

And this point right here leaves a pretty strong impression, in a good way.

The best part of my high school career was forming communities and niches wherever I went.

Forming a community/niche is quite different from finding or joining a community. Unless you actually went out and started a new group based on interests that had no group centered around/dealing with them before, then "finding" would be the word to use here.

I was rejuvenated to follow Morrie’s words

Another misused word here. "Rejuvenated" is synonymous with "restored" or "renewed", and neither make sense in this context. "Truly inspired" or "[omit "was"] renewed my determination" are both more correct.

I didn’t feel that I was working because it was enjoyable

This could be read that you found working a chore. A better phrasing would be "I found working so enjoyable, it didn't feel like work".

the returns of the propagation of one small action

Redundancy is quite the killer in competent writing. "Of the propagation" is completely unnecessary and I highly recommend omitting it entirely.

Finding friends to call at two in the morning bawling, whose crises become my crises and whose successes become by successes, and with whom I can talk about serious matters or laugh so hard I cry was what made these activities truly meaningful.

And here we have a tense shift that makes the ending fall apart. The rest of the essay was in past tense up until this point, so the sudden leap to present mid-paragraph makes no sense.

Overall, the content is good, but the presentation needs polishing. You start out strong in the beginning, but the end falls apart from a technical standpoint. The ending is just as important as the beginning and should be as polished as much, if not moreso than, the beginning as it is the ending that will leave a lasting impression.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR
  





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Sat Dec 17, 2011 8:03 am
AlfredSymon says...



Hi Becca!

In these kinds of articles, it's hard to make any critique because of the sincerity of your voice. I think, in here, you're not trying to make a piece, but to share a great love for books which all of us writer here at YWS love.

I know that it is such a joy to read and I, for one, enjoyed reading your article. Not only did it say something about you, it also speaks about how anyone's life can be changed just by reading. You have a great intention, m'dear.

You can go a long way...:smt111

Good luck on that way,
Al

P.S.
Spoiler! :
There are a lot more books from Mitch Albom! Try 'Have a Little Faith' which is almost like Tuesdays. Also try 'The Five People You Meet in Heaven, this one's my fave. If you've read these, tell me about them. I'd be glad to have someone to talk about books with :)
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