Young Writers Society

Here, I’ve unlocked the door for you
You’re free to go; you’ve done your time
Now, the things you want you can do
I will no longer waste your time
It’s time for you to rediscover who you are
So as to forget the hideous monster who kept you bound
Just take your time to rediscover who you are
And remember that the hideous monster won’t be around

~Chorus~
I will be okay
I will be just fine
I will live each day
Knowing that the day before is left behind
I will be okay
I will be just fine
I will breathe each day
Saying that the life before was never mine
(I’ll be okay…in time)

I, I know I’ve fucked up so much
Free to choose, but I can’t choose you
Sigh, I do, I’m so out of touch
Awake from a dream, I’d like to
As you begin to rediscover why you’re here
To then be taken in by another plain naïve eater
Just go with the flow to discover why you’re here
Perhaps in time you will fucking learn that life’s not the cheater

(repeat chorus)

I’ll be…
No…
I’m such a fuck

I don’t miss you at all
To be exact, I’d really love to believe that is so
I know that if you call
It’s to fucking scream at me, on and on that’s how you go
But when you smile that is the only time that I miss you
Yes, because all of the good times come back to me
Only when you smile is when I long to be back with you
But, oh, how quickly that all runs away from me
Runs away from me

“If you ask me how I am right now
I won’t lie, I’ll fucking tell you.”

That I’m not okay
I am not just fine
I hate to live each day
Knowing that the years before is left behind
Bitch, I’m not okay
I am not just fine
I fucking die each day
Hating that the life before lost its shine

I am not okay
I am not just fine

I hate to live each day…
I hate to live each day…

I fucking die each day…
I fucking die each day…

Hating that the life before lost its shine
The life before had fucking lost its shine

Went out of line
And broke its spine
Gave up its time

Went out of line
And broke its spine
Gave up its time
(Gave up it’s time)

Well now. This is really good. I like the hopeless desperation and anger, despair and resentment. I especially like the line "But when you smile that is the only time that I miss you
Yes, because all of the good times come back to me"
and
"I am not okay
I am not just fine"
But one thing--"Saying that the life before was never mine" You might want to change that to "Saying that the life before *never was* mine." Just might make it flow a little better.
Anyways. This is a good song. Do you have a tune for it yet?

funny, i just wrote a poem like this a few weeks ago, but i really like this, its like the break up, F you, poem. its one of my new favorites. keep em' coming. i'm very excited to read more of your work, by the way, thanks for the review on my poem. having writers block at the moment, on a story i'm writing.

Alright, so, good beginning. But, honestly, these lyrics seem sort of posed and missing emotion. Emotion is one key thing in writing lyrics, becuase whoever is listening to the song wants to relate to the person, the narrator. Another thing I didn't really like was the amount of swear used in these lyrics. You use the F word nine times. In my opinion, swears in lyrics should only be used if you truly and honestly believe you need them.
I also couldn't pick up a rhyme scheme or any type of beat to match these lyrics.

You have a good start, just keep revising
~Wickedwonder

Hey there, LiesOnLies!

Overall, this seemed like an actual song (well... duh?), which I liked. It seems you've given thought for the different parts of the song, A and B and C parts etc., and not just thrown in some stanzas and then repeating some so they'd make the chorus.

This part sounded weird:

To then be taken in by another plain naïve eater

because I felt like the word "eater" was just there because you needed a rhyme for "cheater".

Then, I also wasn't sure if you needed so many f-words there. I'm trying very hard not to sound like a terrified middle-aged woman called Phyllis, but they kind of threw me off -- not to mention that they would be much more powerful if there were just a few of them. But now it kind of sounded like every other word, especially towards the end, was the f-word, and I'm not sure if that brings anything new to this song.

Thanks for the read, anyway!


Demeter
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