Young Writers Society

The way you move,
the way you hear,
the way your voice sings in my ear,
on those lonely nights.
The air in my lungs burns as I look at you,
and I have to remember how to breathe,
or I'll crash into the ocean of death.
I can feel my heart beating against my ribs,
dying to find a way out and tell you what is inside.
The fire inside is burning my love away,
and I'm afraid of the dark clouds on the edges of my earth."
"I need your love, I can feel my body dying.
I can see the moon and stars glowing behind your eyes.
I can feel the earth rumbling,
and hope I can keep my standing,
keep the cold from freezing me.
The stars are dust at your feet,
and this warmth is in you.
And if I can't breathe, what are you going to do,
without me standing by your side?
The planets are going to collide,
so don't wake me up, just let me dream. "
"But I can't dream if your not here,
so promise me you'll never leave.

CHORUS
What is this feeling rising in my body,
filing me like water in a glass?
Why can't I just forget you and let my emotion go?
Because I'm afraid of what is hidden behind the doors of my brain,
and I can't keep myself from crossing my fingers that it never opens.
The lock has no key, becuase I think you may be the link that I need to keep it locked forever.
But I can't dream if your not here, so promise me you'll never leave.
The planets are going to collide, so don't wake me up, just let me dream.

BRIDGE:
Star dust, thats what I think when I see,
walking down the street and I miss you,
When you walk in those lines across the world.


CHORUS

edit: Accidentally hit submit prematurely.

OK so, the first thing I noticed was the lay out of this.
I'm no expert but I think as a rule of thumb: lyrics are written out like poetry, so every clause or line starts a new line. (again this is coming from a lyrical newbie.)

DramaLlama wrote:The way you move, the way you hear, the way your voice sings in my ear, on those lonely nights.
The air in my lungs burns as I look at you, and I have to remember how to breathe, or I'll crash into the ocean of death.
I can feel my heart beating against my ribs, dying to find a way out and tell you what is inside.

would read:

The way you move,
the way you hear,
the way your voice sings in my ear,
on those lonely nights.

The air in my lungs burns as I look at you,
and I have to remember how to breathe,
or I'll crash into the ocean of death.
I can feel my heart beating against my ribs,h
dying to find a way out and tell you what is inside.

and so on. It just makes it more readable and you get a feel for the rhythm of the prose.

Other than that, I think this is pretty good. It's always hard to critique lyrics without accompanying music but I think I get the general tone of the song. No glaring nitpicks either.

Well done.
JP

yes, I agree, I thought the flow of the song was way off. The content of the song was okay, I supposed. When I first wrote song lyrics I didn't understand much of the layout on how to write it. So a lot of my earlier work was all over that place, much like this is. It wasn't until later that I realised there is a specific layout on how to write it. Joshua was right in showing how it should look to a certain extent.

As someone else said already, the flow of your song is off. Though I must say the content is pretty good. Unfortunately, I didn't like it as much since it was harder to "flow through it" like an ordinary song. My suggestion is for you to look up song lyrics on the internet (and listening to the songs while looking at the lyrics helps!) and see how the songs are structured. I hope this review helps you!

The way you move,
the way you hear,
the way your voice sings in my ear,
on those lonely nights.
The air in my lungs burns as I look at you,
and I have to remember how to breathe,
or I'll crash into the ocean of death.
I can feel my heart beating against my ribs,
dying to find a way out and tell you what is inside.
The fire inside is burning my love away,
and I'm afraid of the dark clouds on the edges of my earth."
"I need your love, I can feel my body dying.
I can see the moon and stars glowing behind your eyes.
I can feel the earth rumbling,
and hope I can keep my standing,
keep the cold from freezing me.
The stars are dust at your feet,
and this warmth is in you.
And if I can't breathe, what are you going to do,
without me standing by your side?
The planets are going to collide,
so don't wake me up, just let me dream. "
"But I can't dream if your not here,
so promise me you'll never leave.

CHORUS
What is this feeling rising in my body,
filing me like water in a glass?
Why can't I just forget you and let my emotion go?
Because I'm afraid of what is hidden behind the doors of my brain,
and I can't keep myself from crossing my fingers that it never opens.
The lock has no key, becuase I think you may be the link that I need to keep it locked forever.
But I can't dream if your not here, so promise me you'll never leave.
The planets are going to collide, so don't wake me up, just let me dream.

BRIDGE:
Star dust, thats what I think when I see,
walking down the street and I miss you,
When you walk in those lines across the world.


CHORUS


This song is something I would totaly listen to!!!!!!!!! It's a little dark at first where it starts like ocean of death or whatever, but it's still very cool!
I admire what you did at the end in the bridge!!!!!!!!!! That brought the whole song together for me!!!!!! It was awesome!
You are an extremely talented song writer! Keep it up!
Just one thing though. maybe instead of having such a long verse, you could break it up into different verses. if you ever heard miranda lambert's songs or music, you would see what I mean. Like she usualy has three versus, repeats the chorus two to three times, and has a bridge. Anyway. Do like two versus in the begining, and then after you sing the chorus do one more verse. Chorus again, bridge, and then chorus, instead of one continuous verse, chorus, bridge, chorus.
Just an idea.
Anyway. you rock!!!!!!! Keep up your awesome writing! I think you could have a career as a song writer!!!!!!!!!