Young Writers Society

I gave you my number and you said you'd call
I waited and waited but received no call
I gave myself up too soon - Will you just call?
Oh, I'm so dumb and naive - Damn you, just call!

And tonight
Tonight will briefly be all right
And today
Today, mother will have her say
"It is a sin, an awful sin, you are wallowing in sin!"
"Repent, repent
Repent and everything will be all right
Repent, repent
Repent and bow down to accept the light"

Lights glow
I want to dance until I'll fade away
Just go
Buy me a drink so I can turn to clay
Go on
and pretend to love me for this one night
Woo me
At least until I am out of your sight

(hey, hey, hey, hey...yeah)
(hey, hey, hey, hey...yeah)

I opened up my soul just to save myself
so many tears, many tears I've shed myself
My warmth I gave up too soon to cleanse myself
Oh, I'm so dumb and naive - Can't save myself!

And I run
I run so I can have some fun
And today
Today, father will not downplay
"You're lost my son, your life's a sin, you have put shame on us all!"
"Forsake, forsake
Forsake this and don't do this anymore
Forsake, forsake
Forsake this and don't act like such a whore"

Lights glow
I want to dance until I'll fade away
Just go
Buy me a drink so I can turn to clay
Go on
and pretend to love me for this one night
Woo me
At least until I am out of your sight

(your sight, your sight, oh)
(your sight, your sight, oh)

I know...
I know there are a lot of good people
And I...
I just seem to meet a lot of bad people
When my...
My parents try to be like good people
They just...
Just end up sounding much like the bad people

Again and again
again and again

I get the gist of this song. In the beginning you can't really get the feel for it, so maybe a bit of an intro if you ever plan to write the music for this piece.
Though, does this have anything to do with religion? If it does, then you would have to sell it either as part of a religious album or to a religious group.
It does match the modern rock culture, so I like that. I couldn't imaging this song going to any synthesised techno music.
Once again, a very good song that I wouldn't mind hearing on the radio.

This surely has every reader singing along to the lyrics albeit, they can get over G rated at times. I especially liked the line,

Oh, I'm so dumb and naive - Damn you, just call!

The exclamation mark was the kicker that added your emotion and I can empathize with that very human feeling of needing validation and awaiting that phone call. Very good lyrics.

I also enjoyed the portions where you repeatedly said "repent". Based on my experience listening to music, few songs have gone that route. There is just something sinister but somehow enthralling hearing "repent" over and over again. Perhaps it is because of the emotional connotation I have associated with the term that makes it carry a lot of power.

Buy me a drink so I can turn to clay
Go on
and pretend to love me for this one night

I detect a one-night stand situation which again carries raw emotion that truly transcends the page. It touches so many levels that it should have something for everyone to read into.

Excellent composition overall.

Sincerely,
Elitehusky

I don't often review lyrics because I'm not musically gifted or good at detecting the song in them, so bear with me.

The overall tone of this lyric is pretty raw and punk, but at the same time tender at parts. I thought that gave it an intersting dynamic.

This stanza (and its counterpart) I did not like.

I gave you my number and you said you'd call
I waited and waited but received got no call
I gave myself up too soon -Will you just call?
Oh, I'm so dumb and naive - Damn you, just call!

I felt like the attempt at repeating "call" at the end of every line was forced and limiting. That part I would revise.

Its counterpart:

I opened up my soul just to save myself
so many tears, many tears I've shed myself
My warmth I gave up too soon to cleanse myself
Oh, I'm so dumb and naive - Can't save myself!

There's dumb and naive again! Every time I see that I think to myself, "Why am I listening to what some dumb and naive kid has to say?" You should try to rework it into a situation where he's conquering that naivety somehow, and expressing that. In Madonna's song: Papa Don't Preach, she is having a conversation with her parents, just like in your song, but instead she's telling them how she's NOT a "baby" or "naive." I'm not saying that you have to go that route, but the way your song stands it's very unironic.

The same thing with repetition being forced and limiting the first time applies here as well. It feels like "myself" doesn't get amplified in meaning but is simply there for a gimmick. The line about warmth and cleansing feels really out of place, in a confusing way. Also, don't just say, "I can't save myself" Show us what it feels like. For example, instead of simply saying, "I'm trapped" Arcade Fire says: My Body is a Cage.

The part I did really enjoy was the chorus! (or is it not the chorus?)

Lights glow
I want to dance until I'll fade away
Just go
Buy me a drink so I can turn to clay
Go on
and pretend to love me for this one night
Woo me
At least until I am out of your sight

(your sight, your sight, oh)
(your sight, your sight, oh)

For me it had a nice rhythm and words that carried a lot of emotion and imagery. The subject, tone, and song quality(?) all jived well and felt right to me.

I really liked the beginning it was strong and it grabbed my attention! Way to go! You are really good! I've thought about doing some lyrics but then I always thought you had to learn to be a poet first. I'm no good at poetry. I can't make a song about sappy love only b/c I think it would come out sounding really lame. I like the title as well. catchy! Keep it up I look forward to more of your work!

Hey I think I just reviewed another one of your pieces, awks if it wasn't yours but anyway. I really liked this, it flowed really good-the rhythm and rhyming is perfect without overdoing it with rhyming every line or anything like that, its mature and precise in its structure. I actually really like the conversational quality of the beginning it gives it an almost -(and i emphasise almost) comic quality. I guess comic's not the word but it almost is. I love what i'm guessing is the chorus :

Lights glow
I want to dance until I'll fade away
Just go
Buy me a drink so I can turn to clay
Go on
and pretend to love me for this one night
Woo me
At least until I am out of your sight

I just think the simple line "Lights glow" creates a nice image without overly describing it, I like the "Buy me a drink so i can turn to clay" metaphor because its original! And the whole chorus just gets the sad truth across with it's conclusive line "pretend to love me for this one night". I love the bad/good people ending which appears confusing but makes perfect sense- clever technique! Ok sounds weird because I am straight, female, never had a one night stand and am accepted by my parents but i can actually still relate to this song! I think that's a really good thing- song's need to be kind of general so that more people can relate to them and therefore get a wider audience. Now i'm not sure if you're aiming this at an audience. It would be great if you are- let me know- but i know that with me i've written hundreds of songs that i'm not going to do anything with. PM me if you need more reviews. -Rachel