Young Writers Society

Ok so even though i should be studying right now and even though i have chosen a career in science i can't help the writer inside me from writing!!!!! Ok so i experimented a bit here so wondering what you all think. Did the unusualness pay off or not?? I've boldened the parts i'm a bit iffy on Happy christmas everyone!!!

Intro:
You will be loved
I am not the one

Verse:
If this was a garden, i'd be the flower and you would be the tree
You with your branches open wide, would tell me all the things you can see
And we'd be happy when the sun would shine, but we'd always need the rain
Every morning we'd wake up, to see the sun rising again

Bridge:
But its just
Not shining right for us
No matter how much you want me
It won't ever be enough

Chorus:
The rain will wash me away one day
And leave you standing tall
We will dry out and meet again
But you must survive the fall
You must let go, you must let go, you must let go.

INTRO

Verse:
Flowers are pretty and there's so many of them, but they can be frail
They're not always going to turn their heads, so don't try to no avail
The sun would watch on from high above, and laugh behind his hand
Because this will never be within our control, despite your passion and plans

CHORUS

Coda:
Water will drop and dribble down your leaves as you cry
You'll be struck by lightning but despite the shock you will surv-ive.

Don't let the rain, ruin your day
Don't let the thought of my absence, leave you afraid
Because you are too amazing to waste your love on someone who doesn't feel the same way.

I thought it was pretty good. Maybe it’s just me, but with lyrics, I’m more into meaningful songs. BUT! That being said, this is a lighthearted song, which also serves its purposes.
I think its pretty good for a first rough draft, but with a little work, yit could be a nice little song ^-^
I mean that in a good way! Ha-ha
Charade-- <3

Hey! It was a really good song! I was actually humming it (I would have sung it, but if I did, my sister would kick me out of the room xD I'm a horrible singer.) But, there was a part which I really needed to point out, the part which you put in bold :

"But you must survive the landing"

^That seemed forced. You might want to work on that,

Also, how about some puntuations? A period atleast? 'Cause then you are just talking and never stopping and it gets annoying and I would really want to kill you just like how you would want to kill me because this line is not ending and you are reading it not really absorving what I am saying. <- Get it? If you'd put it, you'd really get the feeling of the song.

Other than that, well done!
I really enjoyed it!

-JT

Hi there!
I thought this was a really lovely song, and I like the garden theme. You could maybe do even more with that, like talking about how the tree can shelter the flower, which would be a nice metaphor, I think.
I'm going to try to help out with the bits you were iffy on, but I'm not too great with rhyming stuff, or lyrics for that matter, so we'll have to see how I go.

The rain will wash me away one day
And leave you standing
We will dry out and meet again
But you must survive the landing
You must let go, you must let go, you must let go.

Well, I can't think of any better rhymes for standing, but the landing line doesn't make sense. Maybe consider changing the line "And leave you standing" to something else, so that you have a different word on the end to rhyme with. Could something like "And leave you standing tall" or "And leave you intact" work? Those would give you easier rhymes for the other line.

Flowers are pretty and there's so many of them, but they can be frail
They're not always going to turn their heads, so don't try to no avail

I'm assuming that here the bolded line has been made to end with 'frail' because you wanted it to rhyme with 'avail'. I think that the "try to no avail" thing is a little cliched, so I would consider changing the endings of both lines, if I were you.
Also, shouldn't "turn their heads" just be "turn heads"? I thought these lines meant that everyone is beautiful, but not everyone is so obviously pretty that they 'turn heads'. But maybe I just misinterpreted them.

Anyway, all I can think for these lines would be something like:
Flowers are pretty and there's so many of them, but they wither in a day
They're not always going to turn heads, so don't expect it to be that way

Not great, I know. I'm sure you can do better than me, judging from the rest of the poem. Just play around with the line endings a bit.


Well, I hope that at least some of this is helpful!
It's a beautiful song, it would sound amazing put to music.

- pigeon

Hello again, Rachel!

I really enjoyed your song here. It seriously made me extremely happy probably because you kept the garden theme through the entire song. I love those kinds of metaphors! I'm not sure why, but they always get to me; and you did very well with yours!

I wish I could hear the music with this. D: There were a couple lines that, any other day, I'd suggest changing. With lyrics, you're never quite sure if it works well or not since you're missing half the song anyway. Still, I'll point them out so you can check it out -- make sure I'm just hallucinating! ;D

If this was a garden, i'd be the flower and you would be the tree

So the intro and verse 1 (and actually the bridge too) are all so extremely awesome. No lie! The only thing I'd mention is this line. It sounds like a filler line, if that makes sense? The rest of the poem is very metaphorical, but this line completely answers the question the listener as to why the song's called a garden. Once they hear this line, they can already figure out the rest for themselves (whether they come up with the same reasons as the song does or not). This could just be me though!

The rain will wash me away one day
And leave you standing
We will dry out and meet again
But you must survive the landing
You must let go, you must let go, you must let go.

So you had a question about the chorus! Honestly, if you hadn't bolded the line, I probably wouldn't have thought anything about it. It seemed to make sense, implying that the tree should survive the rain. The line I would point out is the second. It rhythmically doesn't fit with the rest of the verse. I don't have the song to judge with, I'll admit! It just sounded very simple compared to the rest of the chorus and could use a little more "umph".

Flowers are pretty and there's so many of them, but they can be frail
They're not always going to turn their heads, so don't try to no avail

You bolded the first line here too, and I actually agree that it's a bit troubling. Though I think the second line is also. Anyway, in the first line, I don't like the word "pretty". I mean.. It's pretty, don't get me wrong. xD I think there might be a better way to fully express the beauty of flowers though, and that might help you with the rhyming of these two lines. Plus the "there's so many of them" bit sounds like filler as well, let alone it should grammatically be "there're". But you can probably find a better way to fix this line after checking out the second.

The first part of the second line didn't make much sense to me. If flowers could turn their heads, what are they turning them to? I got lost there. xD But the second half of that line also seems forced. So basically, check out those two lines!

I love the rest of the verse though, and the Coda is extremely awesome as well. Overall, I very much enjoyed this piece, and I think you've got a lot of potential with this. If you make the minor edits, it can be even more outstanding, so great work!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I'm not so familier with songs or poetries but now that I've read your song, I really enjoyed it. I'm really looking forward to read more.