Young Writers Society

My maiden's high up in her palace
Spitting out the window
My eyes shot arrows right to her face
Guards chasing as I go

Hey maiden won't ye come down?
Hey maiden won't ye come 'round?
Hey maiden won't ye come down?
Hey maiden won't ye come 'round?
Hey, come down
Hey, come 'round

My maiden's bathing in her palace
My ladder to window
Her eyes see me, she knocks me off place
Guards chasing as I go

Hey maiden won't ye come down?
Hey maiden won't ye come 'round?
Hey maiden won't ye come down?
Hey maiden won't ye come 'round?
Hey, come down
Hey, come 'round

I just want to love you
Like nobody has ever done
I just want to hold you
Like no one has ever done

I just want to love you
Like nobody has ever done (Hey, come down)
I just want to hold you
Like no one has ever done (Hey, come 'round)

Hey maiden won't ye come down?
Hey maiden won't ye come 'round?
Hey maiden won't ye come down?
Hey maiden won't ye come 'round?
Hey, come down
Hey, come 'round

The lyrics are good, however, I did feel a like it was a little empty. You can try adding a few new lines to it. Anyway, I like it that you've put emphasis on the line 'Maiden Won't Ye Come Down' by repeating it. So all I would suggest is that it's a bit short. You can add more to it. If you do, it'll be awsome. Then again, it may just be me. You don't have to do what I say.

LiesOnLies wrote:My eyes shot arrows right to her face
Guards chasing as I go

That line was the one I liked most. It was entertaing.
Keep it up!

i just want to love you like no one ever done. is my favorite i can connect

Hey
I liked it!! I think the part i liked so much was the rhythm, it just flowed really brilliantly. Despite having never heard the tune i was humming it in my head (if that makes sense). To me it kind of had a folky but still pop/rock feel to it but yeah i'm not sure what your intention was, it kind of sounded like Boy and Bear/ Mumford and Sons if you know either of them. Anyway, i don't think you need to go any deeper into it- songs are allowed to be a little bit shallow because you infer the emotion and the rest from both the music and your imagination/own experiences. My only complaint would be make it longer! I'm not sure if the

I just want to love you
Like nobody has ever done
I just want to hold you
Like no one has ever done

I just want to love you
Like nobody has ever done (Hey, come down)
I just want to hold you
Like no one has ever done (Hey, come 'round)

is meant to be a Coda or not but if so that only leaves you with two other really short verses. In a general sense i reckon two long verses or three short is good but then again this could have been a deliberate, stylistic choice but i think because the song sounds pretty fast-paced it wouldn't go for very long. I think thats what Twinkle4ever was getting at when they said it feels empty. To me it only feels incomplete so keep writing Hope this helped! -Rachel

Hello.

I really liked this piece! It was well written and it flowed well, the only thing I would say though (like the others said) is that it is very short. Most songs have two or three verse.
Other than that it was good, I am not a song writer (or singing ) so I sorry that I couldn’t help much with this but keep going

Chels

Hello for the umpteenth time, Lies!

So there's a lot of repetition in this song, and it might be personal preference, but I feel like it bogs down the meat of the song. It's sort of just a simple "I love you" rather than creating some depth. The two verses that I enjoyed were these first two quoted here. They just provided a little more to the song, and I'd like to have seen it kept up.

My maiden's high up in her palace
Spitting out the window
My eyes shot arrows right to her face
Guards chasing as I go

This is probably my most favorite of the two. There's such a modern, ghetto-ish concept intertwined with the classic fairytale. I loved it a lot, and I was upset to find that you didn't play with this anymore.

My maiden's bathing in her palace
My ladder to window
Her eyes see me, she knocks me off place
Guards chasing as I go

I thought this one seemed weaker. You had some potential with that second line, but it was just cut short instead. Also, the maiden sees the dude while bathing? xD I won't ask.

Hey maiden won't ye come down?
Hey maiden won't ye come 'round?
Hey maiden won't ye come down?
Hey maiden won't ye come 'round?

I really liked the play with Old English in this bit. Once again, you're bringing that classic fairytale into a very modern concept of a love song. It's very cool, and I can only continue to gush over it!

I just want to love you
Like nobody has ever done (Hey, come down)
I just want to hold you
Like no one has ever done (Hey, come 'round)

Then you have this bit that's also extremely awesome. It tied two individual stanzas into a mega stanza with more meaning. Very well done on this.

So I do like this song! There are some great moments and you had some neat wordplay in here that was very effective for the song itself. Quite original, I think. I'd just like to see more with the two verses I pointed out before, a little more joint comparison between modern and classic love stories. It was fun reading that first one! Hands down, it was my favorite part.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

So cute! I really liked it! Good job!

'My maiden's high up in her palace
Spitting out the window
My eyes shot arrows right to her face
Guards chasing as I go'

Best line! Keep up the good work!