Young Writers Society

Hi, Artemis!

I really like what you have here. I'm not one to analyze these things very well, so I didn't get the Crusades. I was actually going to mention though that I loved how you mingled the Bible with the sword/medieval references, so maybe I was on the right track anyway! But yeah, I totes love what you did with that. There were some very good moments because of it; it tied together well!

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart-
And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

I find it interesting that you didn't finish the first verse here, expecially since it's referenced later on. Is this just a vocal in the beginning before the singing starts? If it is, I wouldn't be against finishing the sentence. At least with the "and with all thy soul and with all thy mind" part. Then if you were to skip anything, I'd skip the tag "And the second is like unto it" since from an outside/non-Bible-reading-Christian, they wouldn't know what "second" was referring to. Food for thought anyway!

So I love your choice in vocabulary here. The rhythm was questionable because of it, but I can't judge that any further without hearing it. So I'll just mention here briefly. I assume you'd catch the awkward parts when singing, which would require a re-write in lines.

With hatred’s fire and vengeance’s destruction.

This is one of the line's that I actually had a hard time reading correctly. xD "vengeance's destruction" is quite a mouthful!

I think, at this point, I didn't connect with the Crusades specifically 'cause "sacrifice" was used so much here, and when I think of a sacrifice in this sort of topic, I think of... the sacrifice. xD But I don't really want you to change that at all. I think it's a fantastic tie between both points in history, so I'd actually call that a success!

It started with sacrifice
(Thou shalt Love thy God)
The voices screaming for blood
(With all thy heart)
The deed was done, the price was paid
( And soul)
But the tide of crimson killed in his name
(And mind)
Numerous as the stars
(The first great and commandment)
A deed done in love
( And the second is like unto it)
A Sword lowered in greed
(As I have loved you)

So this is the part that had me thinking more than the others. I could nitpick the song all I want, but this was probably the most intriguing part. You tie the refrain in with the verses, but I don't know if they fit together very well. Of course, I wouldn't change the verses in any way, so I'd probably take a look at the refrain. Is there a way we can rephrase the lines to suit the section of verse that follows? The bolded part would be a good example of what I'm referring to. The sacrifices were made for God, so I thought it tied wonderfully.

That's my logical brain trying to make sense of it though. It probably sounds wonderful when sung. It might be cool to see some more correlation in that bit though! Something to think about .

Overall though, I think this is a lovely piece. Great job, and good luck with the contest!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!