Young Writers Society

Luke, I am your father.

Lmao...yeah...that's what I first thought when I read it over. I NEED A DIFFERENT LINE!

Yay! You described that very well

ARE YOU SURE YOUR.... Wait... How old are you again?

*thinks*

Yeah... that line kind of threw me off too... maybe it's just because it sounds more like dialogue than something somebody would write in a note. *shrug*

But you used macabre! Yay! I love that word.

*star wars music plays* Sambo..yeah, you know that can be fixed, so I won't harp on it.

yes, keep on plugging. that works.

macabre.. yes. good word.

Now.. you are going to write more, yes? good.

(and how you wrote about this.. I'm not sure, nor do I think I want to know..)

and manouevre.. hehe (yes, I had to).

and thank you for making this hard to nit-pick at. I'll be back.

DUN DUN DUNNNN

Dearest Samanther...

NICE

I can hear the heavy darth-vader breathing now...

This, Samwise, was not your best writing.

Your word choice was much too dramatic and overblown. Really, were her footsteps echoing to oblivion? Yeah... right. It's like your trying to say something which ends up being nothing. Make sense?

*sighs* Let me try again.

This is what is happening in your story:

1. A guy is agonizing in a prison cell.

2. He finally gets food, and a strange note with his food.

Now, (and I've struggled with this in the past so don't assume that I'm just trying to annoy you), inner dialogue is needed, but not to such an extent that it clogs up your story. In your previous selection of the story, it said the same thing. In this one, you just repeated yourself and added an interesting tidbit. My suggestion? Combine these chapters.

And the overblown language... hehehe....

One of the main problems is word choice. Every word means something and it can be the difference between an absolutely fabulous piece of work and an absolute dreary piece of work. This piece is none of those, but it would be a good idea to look through every word you have. As you do, say to yourself, "Is this what I want to say? Can I put it in a better way without stifling this piece?"

Just to let you know: you are one of the best writers I've seen on any writing club. True, I give you some leeway because of your age, but it looks like you can be an extremely good writer when you grow up soon.

Good luck!

*sigh* Yeah...you can really tell what came naturally and what I had to push. ICKY ICKY! Thankus, snoinky!

Hehe, this was fun to read

This was interesting to read, it really made me wonder why the guy was stuck in prison.

Good job Sam! Nice star wars line...i was thinking the same thing about luke i am your father. Anyways i think the story is going very well and of course can't wait to read more. It looks as though snoik has already attacted the crits though. Oh well, good job though snoik. Post more soon sam!