Young Writers Society

There is only me in this world, I know it – deep inside this body of mine I know that I am the only one that can feel and touch. Every other ‘human’ are just robots, with almost real skin like mine, and hair with different colors to my own.

“Don’t be silly, we’re all the same,”

How can we be the same, when I can not know what is inside their heads? I sit here on the cold white floor, my arms wrapped around my skinny legs. I know why I am doing this. But those robots that have no control of what they are doing… How are they controlled?
Is it by me?
What if I use my mind to control these pieces of metal, will they do as I say?
Plastics, everyone talks about them like they are a bad thing. Friends of mine say they are people who think they’re Miss popular with makeup and designer clothes. They don’t know that they are really actually plastics. They don’t know anything about life. They’re robots.

“How could you be so stupid? They aren’t plastics!”

They are those ‘Bratz’ dolls you hear of, with the pretty faces and gorgeous bodies – The ‘Bratz’ are only mini versions of the real plastics. Maybe if you search those life-like dolls, you might find a switch – to switch them off and never turn them on again, to be free of those worthless pieces of crap. But how could they be crap? Aren’t we talking about plastic?

“These are humans, not plastics, there aren’t any switches!”

What about those people who live on the streets, nothing but a piece of clothing to cover up their filthy anorexic bodies? Maybe if I use my head, I can think them out of poverty – they are being controlled by me so I can change this for them, make everything better – as I am the only real human breathing on this earth. ‘Think hard, you know you can do this. Robots all over the world will worship you.’ My brain is hurting; too much pain is swimming in it – massive overload. I can not save them all, my head’s been smashed in half, the pain is spitting at me.

“Please! You’re sounding crazy, you can’t think them out of poverty!”

I know I can, you just don’t believe me. Laughing crazily now, my world is spinning so fast. Where am I?
Am I lying down on this piece of stone?
Or standing up on two feet?
CRACK. Lets lie on the floor, it feels so cold, yet relaxing in some sort of strange way. What will the robots do if they saw their master and controller lying on this really cold floor?
They’d try to save me of course, knowing if that I die – the whole world will be quiet. No sound, no anything. Not even the tiniest movement will be made in this new human less world.

“It won’t matter if you die, no one cares, your not that special!”

I am special, you shouldn’t lie. I know I am special. Everyone worships me I know they do…

“They don’t! Or people would know you! No one knows you…”

They do… I’m popular, everyone looks at me. They know that without me they are nothing… They know nothing… They’re just robots.

“You’re not popular; you’re a freak, that’s why they stare.”

You make me scream, you make me want to choke on my tears. I know they think I am great, I am their god…

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Yeah, well it is just something I might do. Knowing that I am actually a crazy nutter it was quite easy to write. Yeah, as usual – don’t rip this apart. Just… HELP! Oh and praise.

Yeah, boredom rawks.

If the robot aspect is all in the narrator's head, which I believe is the case, then this is pretty brilliant.

Agree. I'll read back over it later. Right now I need a lot of sleep.

One thing: Please don't...don't...jerk us back to reality by talking at the end. Maybe say that in a comment or something. It made me blink and go "Whazuh?" I really did become inarticulate. No, not really.

P.S. Like your signiture.

Wow, Emz...

This is really cool.

Why?

'Cause I feel exactly the same way.

'Maybe if you search those life-like dolls, you might find a switch – to switch them off and never turn them on again, to be free of those worthless pieces of crap.'

That was the best line EVERRR. I applaud you!

Oh thankyou my dear child.... It was cool? Now that is something you don't hear in my stories...

Grr Emma...you said it was gay...I was deprived of gay-ness that day...

Seriously, it was!

Yay! I hate them Bratz dolls too! Kill em! turn em all off I say!

Sorry got a bit carried away there. Nice story. Thanks for leaving a comment on mine. Thanks for shifting through my indeligible gramar to read it.

cheers.

Aw man! You mean I can't rip this apart, my great hooves shredding pieces of this reflection everywhere? You're no fun!

I'll tell you what -- I tear this apart and then we'll rebuild it together, eh? Fair enough?

Every other ‘human’ are just robots

Human are robots. Er... no. Even with the addition of "every other" implies that human is singular. A better way to phrase it would be, "Every other "human" is just a robot."

...with almost real skin like mine, and hair with different colors to my own.

Sometimes ambiguity is a good thing. Other times, it's not. When you talk about "almost real skin" it instantly makes the reader confused. What is this? A freak of nature who has lizardly skin? That might be considered "almost real." Be a little more specific (in your case, I would use adjectives which, instead of being ambiguous, describe these humans as artificial plastic creatures.

Here's a tip: what does plastic make you think of? Come up with a list of specific descriptions. Then, see how many descriptions you can put in this story!

You see, an ambiguous story shouldn't be made with ambiguous words. On the contrary! To make a truly wonderful ambiguous story, use concrete words that say exactly what you mean to say. You may be wondering how concrete words can make a story more ambiguous. Here is how:

Instead of concentrating on the words, people begin to concentrate on the meaning.

“Don’t be silly, we’re all the same,”

Don't be silly. End your sentences with a period. NOT a comma.

How can we be the same, when I can not know what is inside their heads?

I think this sentence is a little wordy and can be improved by deleting some of the needless words, or changing them. Right now it sounds a little awkward...

Maybe: How can we be the same when I don't know what is inside their minds?

I didn't delete too many words, but I think it might read a little smoother.

I know why I am doing this.

The first time I read this, I was wondering, "Wait a second... what was she doing?" When I read it the third time, I realized what you meant. Even so, sometimes it's really hard for a reader to catch onto something, so a little sentence reminding them what the character was doing might be nice.

So something (I guess) like this: "I know why I am doing this. The floor feels so cold, so inviting."

I don't know. It only has to be a short sentence, but it has to be there. Play with it and see what you come up with. Just remember, when you say you know why you're doing this, the reader expects an explanation about it. It's sort of like this song:

Everyday it gets surer and surer.
The rich get rich and the poor gets...
children?

There's a certain expectation in the reader's mind about what comes next, and if you don't follow that, it may confuse the reader.

...they controlled?
Is it by me?
What if I use my mind to control these pieces of metal, will they do as I say?

Just a formating suggestion... put lines between these sentences. Already, the middle sentence jumps at you. To highlight that sentence even more, putting white space around it would really help, plus add an extra "oomph."

Plastics, everyone talks about them like they are a bad thing. Friends of mine say they are people who think they’re Miss popular with makeup and designer clothes. They don’t know that they are really actually plastics. They don’t know anything about life. They’re robots.

First of all, "Miss Popular." Next of all, this paragraph is kind of awkward. I'm not sure why, mind you, but it seems to sing songy and repetitive. Now, I am probably not the person to do a lecture on repetitiveness... if you've read any of my stories, you would realize that quickly. But this paragraph seems repetive, if only because "they are" is repeated constantly.

“These are humans, not plastics, there aren’t any switches!”

True story!

During my first English class, a couple of months ago, I wrote a paper. Anyway, there was this one sentence that had the letters c.s. on it. I was confused. What did that mean? I looked it up on the internet. It meant comma splice.

To make a long story short, I was a terrible writer because I combined sentences with a comma... which is, apparently a bad thing to do. With that said, I would rather see this as two sentences so it would look like this:

"These are humans, not plastics! There aren't any switches!"

Or something along those lines. I'm sure you can use you magical writing powers to make it better.

“It won’t matter if you die, no one cares, your not that special!”

*blinks*

"...you're not that special!"

So! Thus we come to the end. I could go on nitpicking everything and telling you that you're a bad writer, but... well... that would be lying.

If the critique sounded harsh, it's not because I'm purposely being mean. It's because, when I read this, I thought this was by someone my age since it was well thought out. I don't remember ages too well. And then, after realizing your age, well... I was too lazy to write a watered-down critique.

You're a very good writer, and not just for your age. You do have interesting insights of the human mind and put it through in an interesting and accessible manner. The only problem, I suppose, is clarifying your ideas through better word choice and descriptions. But, I wouldn't worry about that at this point. That will come with patience and hard work. Since your putting both of those in your writing, it shouldn't take too long.

So! Good luck.

Thank you! Oh I could hug you right now. Really. I have this thing about commas, maybe I like them too much...

I find it hard when I'm trying to describe something. Its there in my head, its just the fact that I find it hard to write it down. Description is another thing I find hard. Damnit! Anyway, yeah thanks for the help. I wouldn't mind if you helped me more, or really nitpick every mistake. I'd rather know, so I can try not to do it again next time.