Young Writers Society

Summer was packing her bags.

With a contemplative gesture, she tucked a strand of her hair behind her right ear. She still wasn't used to the new short haircut, but she enjoyed the lack of hair when the temperature rose.
As she emptied her closet she got a good look at herself in the full-length mirror. She was rather tall, but not thin, like those glossy billboard models. Her hair had gotten pretty light during her stay here, it ranged from dark honey to ash blond now. She smiled. She liked how her skin glowed in a healthy brown tone, but on a second thought she made a face. She wouldn't stay this tan in the time to come.

In her hands she held the last piece of clothing to put away. She folded the short white dress into her suit case, the one that swung right around her knees, the one that went especially well with her pearls and her new hair style.

The room she had been staying in was light and friendly. Many different greens, a dark blue and sandy brown tones that always looked different depending on the time of day. Light timber piling for the floor, which tended to caress her bare feet when she got up in the morning. Large windows that had been open for the larger part of her stay. An empty fireplace she'd never lit.

She would miss this. The little things. Like the sand that was everywhere though she'd only been to the beach twice. Or the forgotten shell earring she'd lost the year before and found in a crack by her mirror. Maybe she had unknowingly misplaced something this time as well and she would find it next year. That would be nice. A token of her time here, a token to remind her of all that happened this time.

The air was fragrant with the smell of the bouquet of roses that stood on her bedside table. Not red ones, no, her favorite ones were white ones with a touch of light pink to the edges of the petals. She walked over to burrow her nose once more between the silky flowers. They where almost all withered now, which didn't surprise her as their time was long over.

Her time was over as well.

She took her suit case with all the bright colors, the swim suits, the flip flops and flirty dresses she loved so much. She shivered slightly and put her things down again. It took her a bit, but she found one of the few sweaters she owned near the bottom after a short search. It had gotten cold in the last few days.

As she walked past the window that looked out on the yard she saw that the woman who would replace her had just arrived. Every year she only just caught a glimpse of her. Of Autumn.

It would be nice to get to know her better, but that wasn't meant to be, Summer knew that. And with that thought and a last glance around her room she closed the door and vanished.

You can take anything I say in whichever way you'd like. If you don't agree with something I've changed, don't feel like you have to change it.

Summer was packing her bags.

With a contemplative gesture(comma) she tucked a strand of her hair behind her right ear. She still wasn't used to the new short haircut.(join these sentences with a comma) But she enjoyed the lack of hair when the temperature rose.

As she emptied her closet(comma) she got a good look at herself in the full-length mirror. She was rather tall, but not thin, like those glossy billboard models. Her hair had gotten rather 'rather' has become overused light during her stay here, it ranged from dark honey to ash blond now. She smiled. She liked how her skin glowed in a healthy brown tone, but on a second thought she made a face. She wouldn't stay this tan in the time to come. Not a huge fan of the old look-in-the-mirror-and-describe-appearance trick. It seems a bit tacky.

In her hands(comma) she held the last piece. The last piece of what? I had to re-read this a bit to understand. It disrupts the flow She folded the short white dress into her suit case, the one that swung right around her knees, the one that went especially well with her pearls and her new hair style.

The room she had been staying in was light and friendly. Many different greens, a dark blue, and sandy brown tones You use a tone that suggests that you're going to continue, but then you don't. Example: "Jane was standing in the living room. Many different reds, yellows, and oranges." See how it doesn't quite work? It should have been something more along the lines of: "Jane was standing in the living room. Many different reds, yellows, and oranges emitted brilliantly from the fireplace.". Light timber piling for the floor. You do the same thing here Large windows that had been open for the larger part of her stay. An empty fireplace she'd never lit. In fact, you do it would the rest of the paragraph. It's as if you lead us on to some nice imagery, then you stop us short.

She would miss this. The little things. Like the sand that was everywhere(comma) though she'd only been to the beach twice. Or the forgotten shell earring she'd lost the year before and found in a crack by her mirror. Maybe she had unknowingly misplaced something this time as well and she would find it next year. That would be nice. A token of her time here, a token to remind her of all that happened this time.

The air was fragrant with the smell of the bouquet of roses that stood on her bedside table. Not red ones, no, her favorite ones were white ones with a touch of light pink to the edges of the petals. I agree with her, those ones are the best She walked over to burrow her nose once more between the silky flowers. They where almost all withered now, which didn't surprise her as their time was long over.

Her time was over as well.

She took her suit case with all the bright colors, the swim suits, the flip flops and flirty dresses. Again, I expect you continue with something like "into her hands." She shivered slightly and put her things down again. It took her a bit, but she found one of the few sweaters she owned near the bottom after a short search. It had gotten cold and thus it was time for her to make room for someone else. This paragraph seems pointless. She picks up the suitcase, feels cold, puts it down, gets a sweater, thinks. It's a tad bit tedious.

As she walked past the window that looked out on the yard(comma) she saw that the woman who would replace her had just arrived. Every year she only just caught a glimpse of her. Of Autumn.

It would be nice to get to know her better, but that wasn't meant to be, Summer knew that. And with that thought and a last glance around her room she closed the door and vanished. I liked the ending. I didn't really catch onto the metaphor of the story until now. I don't think that it's because you didn't do it well, I was just focusing on each individual paragraph. The story was short and sweet, and the writing wasn't extravagant, but it was good. Solid word, hope this helped.

I liked this a lot, and since the first reviewer did an awesome job at getting all the little stuff, I don't think I have much to complain about! I loved the concept, especially the fact that she kind of saw Autumn but didn't really know her. This was really creative.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

I've edited it now. Though I didn't put in all the commas.

I liked it, alot. I think it's really good, and in a way, the feeling at the end makes you wonder what is going to happen afterwards, if anything. Depends whether you are going to continue it or not. Anyway, I think it's a great piece of work and the description you used was fantastic.
I especially liked

Lemikita wrote:
Her hair had gotten pretty light during her stay here, it ranged from dark honey to ash blond now. She smiled. She liked how her skin glowed in a healthy brown tone, but on a second thought she made a face. She wouldn't stay this tan in the time to come.

Overall, you have a well written piece here. I love it.

Keep Writing,
~Leopard