Young Writers Society

The clock ticked off the seconds, wavering, between then and now stopping just before after, but it is always now, now the earth turned, now the sun rose, now the wind blew, now… now what, now the clock ticks, now the clock tocks marking off the seconds. Time still passed.

Matthew Dawson walked across the room slowly but at his age it was all he could manage. His arthritis caused his joints to burn like an undying flame, his various medications caused unsteadiness that was not helped by his frail bones, but what was worst of all time has made him weak. He knew time, he felt time for eighty seven years he felt time. He felt it wear upon him like no other abrasive. His bones hurt, his heart barely worked and his liver had almost given up to many times to matter. His body was dieing yet his mind was sharp. His mind was unaffected by the caustic nature of time. His mind grew with time rather then being beaten by it. Gradually he reached his chair, sitting down he lay aside his cane, a cane that was worn down to a smooth finish by years of use. He leaned back upon the grey upholstery. The chair was not the same when he bought it all those years ago, most of the foam stuffing had been replaced and the replacements themselves had been replaced several times. His house was as old as he with only three things that worked to any use, the stove, the radio and the grand father clock ticking off the time in the far corner. He tried to recline in the chair but to no avail, instead the chair let out a loud screeching noise of metal on metal. Giving up he let his head rest on the gray upholstery and tried to sleep. But he couldn’t, he had been unable to sleep on command in many years, years that seemed all the shorter with his advancing age. He felt pain of mistreatment through out his body,pain that should would have been excruciating had he not been used to it. His doctors when he did talk to them claimed it was nerve damage or some other excuse for old age but after years of empty answers he quit caring as to the reason and tried to endure the punishment of age. He felt his heart beat faintly matching the grandfather clock beat for beat, his heart was like a metronome marking off the bitter melody of time. After awhile the sun started to set casting the room in orange haze highlighting the far corner in shadows darker then the coming night. Although the clock was hidden from view the noise seemed all the greater contrasting with the silence that was the impending darkness. The shadows lengthened blanketing the room in the staleness of a deep summer night, thickening the air with darkness. The seconds stretched almost indefinitely ending with the beginning of the next. In between the end and the beginning of the seconds Matthews’s eyes opened wide in shock and suddenly his heart stopped, fluttered, before giving off a last beat in a death dance dieing in its own rhythm. Matthew felt his body go dead starting from his chest spreading through out his body before eventfully reaching his head and his mind, the last and final thing to be broken by time. Although he could no longer see and his hearing was dieing the clock still rang through the numbness clanging the twelfth hour. While Matthew let out his final gasp the clock still worked, time still passed moving with an unyielding flow that could wear away even the strongest of souls.

He knew time, he felt time for eighty seven years he felt time. He felt it wear upon him like no other abrasive. AbrasionHis bones hurt, his heart barely worked and his liver had almost given up totoo many times to matter. His body was dieingdying yet his mind was sharp. His mind was unaffected by the caustic nature of time. His mind grew with time rather then being beaten by it.(sentence beginning with Gradually should be the begining of another paragraph.) Gradually he reached his chair, sitting

So, this is a good story. Keep writing. I love the details.

Hi, tyengle! Isha here to review!

First of all, this review is going to be a biiit on the harsh side. I really liked your concept and the story-line, but it needs a lot of work. Usually, I don't write reviews quite like this, but I think that we'll focus on the quality of your writing for this one, which means that I'll delve right in and break it into bits and pieces. 

I don't have a whole lot to say about the little plot you have going on here, so I'll jump right into your writing. *cracks knuckles* 

Let's get started, shall we?

tyengle wrote: clock ticked off the seconds, wavering, between then and now stopping just before after, but it is always now, now the earth turned, now the sun rose, now the wind blew, now… now what, now the clock ticks, now the clock tocks marking off the seconds. Time still passed.

Alrighty, let's get down to business. Your first paragraph bothers me for a few reasons, the first and foremost being that the first line itself is both cliche and very dull. Or, should I say the first part of your first sentences. How many times have you read, "The clock ticked off the seconds," before? Probably a few too many. You see, while trying to write a description, you do not want to use what you're used to reading in text. You want to use original imagery, because new things are what a reader wants to see in a piece.

Second of all, the rest of the paragraph seemed.... well it just seemed pointless. It was run-onny, the grammar was bad, as was the punctuation and it seemed like the only reason you put it in there was to add length to the piece. Whether or not this was your intention was beside the point, but it sounded very forced, and it didn't flow to read.

I'm saying all of this because in a short story, first sentences/lines are very important. They're typically the hook, and you want to choose a line that'll make the reader want to keep going. This didn't do that for me. 

tyengle wrote:Matthew Dawson walked across the room slowly, but at his age it was all he could manage.

 

Okay. So here, you need a comma where I added one (in bold). The other thing that got me about this is that the bit that I put in strikeout didn't seem necessary to me. Ut was also just generally awkward to read, and it may take a few go-overs to actually figure out what you meant because your punctuation and grammar is off. 

tyengl wrote:His arthritis caused his joints to burn like an undying flame, and his various medications caused unsteadiness that was not helped by his frail bones, but what was worst of all time has made him weak.

Okay, so first thing's first. The strikeout. The bit that I 'got rid of' is unnecessary. It seemed like padding to either increase the length of the piece, or just word-up the description. They burned, we know- typically a burning pain always feels like a burning pain, so we really don't need you to state that it was like an 'undying flame,' know what I'm saying? It's unnecessary, as I believe that I just stated.

Second- I added the word 'and' (in bold). It strengthens the grammar and makes it easier to read as a general rule. 

Third- your very last bit in this quite, after the last comma. It's incorrect for a number of reasons. Number one is that it just doesn't make sense- all you have to do is read it over to figure that one out. Point 3b (lulz, that sounded so official): Your tenses are slippery. The entire story is supposed to be in past tense, as far as I know, but you put 'has made him'. The word has is present-tense. 

tyengle wrote:He knew time, he felt time for eighty seven years he felt time.

 

Okay, so there are a couple of things wrong with this. For starters, I've highlighted two bits in bold. I'll leave it up to you to figure out what's wrong there. Second of all, it should be rephrased as a general rule. Again, it's grammatically incorrect. 

tyengle wrote:He felt it wear upon him like no other abrasive.

Alright, so this line just felt like more padding. We already know that time's been wearing on him, because you've made it painfully clear already. It's repetition, and repetition can get exhausting and difficult to read.

tyengle wrote:His bones hurt, his heart barely worked and his liver had almost given up to many times to matter. His body was dieing yet his mind was sharp.

Okay. His, his, his, his.... and the past two quotes have all been 'his' as well. That is a lot of one word, and you're beginning all of your sentences with it, an then repeating it within sentences. Once again, it's not only padding, but it's repetitive padding and it's painful to read and hard to make sense of. 

tyengle wrote:His mind was unaffected by the caustic nature of time. His mind grew with time rather then being beaten by it.

More 'his', and what's worse about this part is that you have 'his mind' twice back-to-back. It's too much, and needs some serious rephrasing.

 

tyengle wrote:He leaned back upon the grey upholstery. The chair was not the same when he bought it all those years ago, most of the foam stuffing had been replaced and the replacements themselves had been replaced several times.

Okay, so I skipped a piece of the story here, because it could pass as decent. Now, this bit is a bit clunky again. Of all of the things to describe, you choose a worn out chair, and you choose bland descriptions to go with it. All you need to describe this thing is a sentence. State that it's worn out, with stuffing falling from between tears in the fabric, and you're good. The second bit about replacements being replaced has potential, but you used 'replaced' and 'replacements' too many times.

tyengle wrote:His house was as old as he with only three things that worked to any use, the stove, the radio and the grand father clock ticking off the time in the far corner.

Okay-- so. We're delving into the wonderful world of description here, and what really gets me is how dull these descriptions are. They're literally very mind-numbing to read, and as I roll over them, I started skimming and had to come back and force my mind to read it over again and pay attention. Add some pizzazz. Preferably grammatically correct pizzazz.

Okay, I'm just going to stop with the constant quoting there, because after reading through the whole thing, I've figured that I'll just be stating a lot of the same thing. Of course, I will talk to you about your writing after this point.

There is so much repetition and so many run-on sentences and so much padding that it seriously feels like I had to drag my legs in a pool of jello. Grammatical and punctuation mistakes were abounding, and there was no space between the paragraphs. It was a big block of text stuffed with fodder. And this never, ever stops. I already said at the beginning of the review that I really did like your concept, but you didn't do a very good job portraying it through words. These are all things that can be improved with a little practice and this magical little thing called 'proof-reading.' Wait for twenty-four hours after you wrote the piece and look over it, make little edits and find what needs to be fixed. Then repeat the same process after a couple more hours, and then see if you're happy with the piece. It takes a bit of your time up, but in the end all is worth it. 

Okay, so now I'm just going to show you something really quickly here, using a few sentences that I haven't quoted.

One of your sentences were:

He tried to recline in the chair but to no avail, instead the chair let out a loud screeching noise of metal on metal.

Now, it's obvious that this could use some re-phrasing. I'm going to give you an example of how you could do this. I'm not telling you to use this exactly, but just so that you get an idea. 

He tried and failed to recline in the chair, his ears shattering from the screech of metal on metal.

Now, there would have to be a sentence following this, creatively and very briefly explaining that the noise was bothering him, and so that's why he couldn't lean back. You didn't tell us why he couldn't recline, so I had to assume and guess at a reason. 

But can you see the difference in the two sentences? 

Let's try one more:

You wrote:

After awhile the sun started to set casting the room in orange haze highlighting the far corner in shadows darker then the coming night.

Okay. Run-onny and hard to follow. I'll try:

After a short while, the sun began to set, bringing the room to life with an orange haze that touched even the furthest shadows that had been darker than the coming night. 

Okay, not my very best work, but it was admittedly easier to read and follow, wasn't it? 

I hope that you see where I'm going with this. The writing needs some improvement, but the concept was good and with a little editing, it could honestly be a very gripping piece. 

I hope that this review hasn't been too harsh, but I tend to get more mean if I see a piece with potential.

Keep writing,
~~Ish.