Young Writers Society

Story taken off for personal reasons.

Well... that gave me chills. I can relate very heavily on this story; it is almost scary. The dark visualization grabbed me, and I felt like I was there again, cradled up in my own emotions. Such a very powerful point of view that is almost an unspoken secret, and here it is. Very dark, and very beautiful.

now for the criticisms:

The opening paragraph was a bit awkward. I would try and reword it, to help provide a flowing structure. For instance: "Others see suffering as trips and different failures." I can see what you are saying, but there are stronger choices. First of all, trips does not seem to really get by what you are saying (embarrassing moments I am guessing?) but I could not know. Also, to make it flow better Try giving the reason for suffering first, like: "Different failures is suffering to others." Not how you should actually word it, but just to give an example.

the simile for the crowd hanging out at the lockers "as hungry bats do" does not seem to portray their actions. They excluded the character, which is does not imply a bat like ideal nor does it imply any reason for them to be "hungry."

"the bitter stench sweetening to me." It contradicts itself--you make it bitter to the character, but then sweet. I think maybe you intended to mean that it was bitter to others? Try to make it obvious.

The cat analogy-- I kind of see it, but It is only mentioned at the beginning and the end. There is no major support for the metaphor in the meat of the story. Show how it makes you the three-faced cat.


Overall, AMAZING. I heavily relate to this story, and cannot commend you enough on the capturing of the emotion. Keep at it.

Overall, I loved it. Your flow in the story is good not too fast of too slow. The capturing of emotion is outstanding. I really like you descriptions, this one as specially:

Hollow wrote:The unknown happiness of this place is rebuked from my mind and only the silence settles in. It’s nice and steady as a river is when no hints of storms or disturbances lie in the forecast. Here in the quiet I can cry to myself. Here I can scream with all my might through this darkness without a soul knowing of it. I don’t have to be afraid. I have no fear. There is no envy.

This descriptions are original, nothing cliche.
I just have a question though : In the the third paragraph there is a change of tense. Was that intentional?

Hollow wrote:I’m cut into three slices of a being’s face. One side gives a perfectly drawn face to my family, another is the strength and will of hanging on given to my classmates, and the last gives the jealous and ugly face only shown to me. Three faces I have but only one brain feels the mixture of emotion each side develops.

This part is good. But in contrast to the rest of the story, I feel it's too straightforward. That's just my opinion though. It's your chice.
I love it and keep writing!
~Angel