Young Writers Society

Hey everyone! this is only a tiny smidget because im not sure if it makes sense or not, or whether its good enough to continue with. Please send me as many comments as you can!

The first time I saw someone die, I was seven.
They came smashing into my family’s suburban home dressed in deep black and carry small, black guns. I was sprawled on the ground watching TV and my parents were sitting comfortably on our white couch, talking. I will never forget their laughter turning into sharp screams as the black clothed men shot my father clean in the head and then turned on my mother. I will never forget looking into their lifeless eyes. I will never forget the blood seeping into the carpet, defiling its pure whiteness. I never got to say goodbye to them. The men took me from my home, from my parents with no mercy and put me in this place with other seven-year-olds. A place with high walls and barb wire circling the top. I was beaten every day and told that no one would ever love me. By the age of ten I was trained in several combat modes including Karate and Taekwondo. I was the best in my class. It was when I turned twelve that they moved to another place and I learnt who we were training for. The Australian Government was looking for young children who had been injected with what they called the X virus. They had apparently chosen babies from around the world and injected the X virus for one sole purpose… to create ultimate teen assassins. The X virus enhanced the brain to think more clearly and focus on the completion of any task.

Thanks for reading! Any comments much appreciated

I liked this but in a way it was very rushed. You could have gotten into more detail about the parents death and the main characters time in the training camps. It's only detail that you need and I bet if you put in more of it, you will be able to grab more people's attention. Good luck and keep writing.

This goes very fast. There's no room to get to know the character, or to really understand the story. I understand that this is 'short stories' but this was a little too short for how much 'story' was in here.

I'm guessing this is just a synopsis and you're looking for audience approval before you flesh out the story, correct?

Well, honestly, it's a bit tacky. The government created "ultimate teen assassins"? If you saw the title "Ultimate Teen Assassins" on a movie, you would instantly write it off as a B-movie that most people would not spend any money to go see.

Second, cliche. Secret government program to engineer secret weapons? Let's name all the ways this has already been done:
The Hulk, X-men, Hanna, all zombie movies, Hell Boy, Men in Black, Captain America (okay, pretty much any comic book), Aliens, Jason Bourne, so on and so on.

Also, why is the main character so willing to be good at being an assassin? Of course, she's plotting to get her revenge on the secret government. But still, what are her motives?

Movies can get away with creating the same kind of characters over and over because they make nice summer blockbusters. Or they're cool/funny antiheroes. Jason Bourne gets away with having a hundred books about him because some people like reading about spies and espionage and clever tricks to outwit people chasing you--these books are highly technical and heavily researched. But what do you, as a 16-year-old girl, have to offer the genre that will make your story fresh and exciting and not predictable? Or, if it's predictable, then it has to be exciting enough for us to overlook that.

thanks