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Wed Oct 12, 2011 2:02 am
YourEyes says...



Excuse me if its not up to serial-killer fiction snuff, but it was my first true attempt involving the psychological aspect of crime.


Sometimes the very qualities that define you can be disconcerting. For Jonah, this had been true ever since he could remember. He had a typical childhood, filled with bouts of laughing and running, sporting an uncaring nature. These times in Jonah’s life were crystallized in memory, mental saran-wrap covering over the images to preserve in the times that he loathed himself. It was difficult for Jonah, living half a life, endless transitions between lunacy and lucidity.

He could feel it coming on, as slowly as he always did. Slowly, then suddenly. He would be strolling down the street, enjoying his freedom from himself, when it would hit him. The stench would fill his nostrils, like so many rotting sacks of human shaped offal. It would be like he had walked into a wall, everyday life became difficult beyond reason. The thoughts dominated his existence, pounding other idea and concepts into pulp and forcing them to a cramped corner of his psyche, the lock and key lost until the course of his madness ran through. Eventually he was left panting, a portion of his life a forgotten haze of abstract violence, emotions blurred together into a great red loathing. He never tried to recall those times after he accidentally did the first few times. The pain was excruciating, the needles of his memory piercing his skull, as if forcing them out into the world to see. Worse, the sickening longing for the madness to return. Jonah was afraid of losing Jonah, the man, and becoming Jonah, the madness. Yet, he knew what he really wanted.

Though he had the want, the longing, ever since he could remember, the first event that he could remember, his catalyst, had been a strange thing. He had overheard his mother reading news to his father, as his father ate breakfast. Almost burnt toast he remembered, and orange juice, from a newly opened container. “A serial killer?” His mother had inquired “why would a person kill so many other people, its absolutely unspeakable!” His father had made some sort of non-commital response, kissed his mother on the cheek and left for work, leaving Jonah to wonder why you wouldn’t want to kill so many other people.

Brightness. Being awake. A hangover.
The first 3 things that Richard felt were all equally discouraging. His fight for his precious sleep was viciously aborted when his roommate walked into the bedroom.
“Dick, you can’t seriously still asleep,” his roommate growled, vehemence dripping from his tone.
Dick’s grunted response was not enough to placate his clearly annoyed roommate who had spent the better part of the day cleaning up after the raucous party that had occurred the night before, at the behest of Dick and his friends.

The result was a struggle that resulted in a slightly bruised Richard awake and eating breakfast, staring blankly at their beer-smelling tv, oddly coloured splotches appearing in the most opportune places on screen. He got a good laugh as a patch highlighted a weatherman’s junk, eliciting a strangled sound from his roommate who was not at all amused that their tv had inadvertently become the target of a run-by soaking the night before.
The laugh was cut short as a rather average looking anchor man interrupted with an update on a local FBI investigation, the gist of which Richard had caught a couple of weeks prior. A serial killer had eluded capture for many months, and recent evidence had shown that he had been killing for nearly 30 years, always managing to go into hiding as police closed in on the culprit. Using connections created from stringing together these previously unrelated cases, they had found evidence that had almost lead them to the killer.

As he listened to the news anchor relay the news of the murderer’s apprehension, he barely registered the words, instead lost in a singular thought, overpowering like nothing else had ever been before. What has stopping him, Dick, from killing people? Why shouldn’t he? The thoughts disgusted him, not because of their vile nature, but because he thought of others, his roommate, his landlord, so many people. Walking land-fills, filthy bags of human shaped excrement-waiting to be ended, their stench removed from existence. Something was pulling him, forcing him to fall into himself. He was losing control.
“Dick, I swear to god if I have to clean all this shit up myself.”
He was furious.
Last edited by YourEyes on Wed Oct 12, 2011 11:51 am, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Wed Oct 12, 2011 4:52 am
Kafkaescence says...



Right.

I think it would be safe to consider this up to serial killer "snuff" (a fitting idiom). It's usually the detective character that is assigned the role of protagonist in stories like these, so switching things around like this is, if anything, original, which I liked.

Another thing that struck me was how your pro(an?)tagonist was so nonchalant about the goings-on of his pursuers. In his mind, his murderous deeds (and you never go ahead and say outright that Dick is the murderer, but you do provide strong evidence toward this inference) are perfectly justifiable: what right, he says, does the law have in preventing me from killing others? Whether he feels his acts are legitimized, or he has a vague feeling/hope that the police will never catch him, or, as I suspect, both, his madness is appealing.

What I want you to do is to try to edit this. The piece is a pigsty of grammatical errors, run-on sentences, etc. - nothing that can be fixed, no doubt, but something that should be attended to with care nonetheless.

I have other things I could say, but I've covered the stuff I wanted to get to most and, well, it's a bit late. If you plan on continuing with this, let me know.

-Kafka
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Mon Oct 31, 2011 3:18 am
Rosendorn says...



Heya.

This was an interesting piece.

I rather liked how you got into the deep psychology of a killer in the first part of the story. Having recently done a bit of research on some serial killers, I found the profile matching up rather nicely. It was interesting to see it painted like the illness it was, although the act of remorse I wasn't sure on. Because it is a psychological disorder, I'd have thought remorse would eventually be wiped away— a trait of a psychopath is often a lack of conscience. I also found you could've used more fascination with getting away from police, and only committing crimes that could be easily escaped from. Since you said you wanted to get into the psychology of a killer, I'd have liked to see more of it.

The second half was mildly jarring at first, as I wasn't sure how the two segments were connected. I also found it horribly confusing between "Dick" and "Richard." The name seems to be used on the same person, interchangeably, but that wasn't made clear. Is Dick only a nickname? Is one the roommate? If so, which? Really, it's not clear to me at all, which made it nearly impossible to follow the piece. I was constantly asking: who is angry and who is nonchalant about the party?

I also found your "cycle" of a new serial killer to be a bit... off. You're implying a one-off kill, but I don't find the guy is sick enough to be a true killer, if you know what I mean. While the ambiguity is nice, the switch to "I want to kill him" is so sudden it didn't resonate as believable for me. Part of this is probably how hard it was for me to keep track of people in the second segment, but the other part was how it just seemed to be normal upset. The guy also comes off as rather sheltered, never having heard of a serial killer before; with modern media and news reporting the way it is, I'd have expected him to have heard the term at least once if not multiple times before. If you make it clear this was a suppressed fascination, or had been building, then it would be more believable. But right now, it seems a bit forced.

Overall, this was interesting. I very much enjoyed how you went into psychology and describing why a killer has to kill. I just find your psychology, especially in the second part, could use some polishing. There's also clarity, and grammar (which Kafka mentioned).

PM me if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey
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