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Young Writers Society


The Darkness



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5 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 582
Reviews: 5
Mon Oct 31, 2011 2:59 am
PoetMan111 says...



I first saw her sitting on the sun. She seemed a majestic figure, but not one capable of stealing Apollo’s Chariot, and riding the arch of the sky as she did. She was in command of the fire, and I… I feared her just as much as I loved her in those moments before the light stole my vision away for a minute or so. Though the burning image of the sun slowly faded, the image of the girl did not.


I was with my company when Darkness first Fell. We all saw it coming. Initially, it struck in us a fear. But then, as it began to grow, it seemed to call to us. We were drawn toward it. It was promising us everything we could ever want. Money, women, power, fame. All in return for serving it. I watched it embrace and enrich the other members of the party. Spreading my arms, I awaited acceptance into the Darkness’s heart.

“No!” A voice screamed. Her voice. She rode in on a brilliant steed, and reached her hand down to pick me up, “Don’t give in to the Dark!” I stared at her as though she was crazy. “Look at your friends! They are not what the Darkness told them they would become! You must know the desire is nothing but a lie!” She urgently thrust her hand down, once more. I looked about to my company. Their eyes were sunken and their faces were white, as if a ghostly force had possessed them. --The were no longer faces, representations of the soul, but masks. No nobility rested there, only deathly hopelessness.

I turned to grab her hand, and she took me away from the Darkness, toward the sun. “Don’t let the Dark consume you. Whatever you do. If you see Darkness falling, you have to run. As fast as you can. Don’t give up.” I wished to respond, but I found myself dumbfounded by the loss of my company’s souls, and by her beauty. I believe she saw the look in my eyes. Longing.

We ended our journey on the roadside. She built a fire, and spoke little, save another warning. “The Darkness converts all it can to mindless creatures of itself. It grows every day, and the dead are beginning to walk the streets at night unnoticed.” We slept there, tired from our escape. When I awoke, she was gone.


But I was not saved. The Darkness Fell again, soon, and I hadn’t kept my guard up. It approached. I knew she could help me, if only she knew where I was…

But lo!—I could feel her somewhere, and called out to her, hoping she might save me once again. I heard only my own voice echoing back. The Darkness crept up, disobeying the waning sun’s last attempt to dispel it. I searched Helios for a sign, but the Dark continued to slither up toward me, converting everything in its path.

I could feel it, too. The Darkness. It had worked its way inside and was eating outward. My legs snapped. I collapsed, no longer able to support my own weight. I reached forward into the remaining sunlight.

Don’t give up. I could hear her voice in my mind, and knew I had to keep fighting. I opened my eyes, and saw her standing in front of me. Relief fell upon me like a fog, and I stood- no. I was still bound to the ground. “Help…”

She didn’t respond. I asked again. “Help?”

Her eyes, from behind her white mask, were sunken, dead. I knew then the Darkness had consumed her. I could see the sun had left her soul. There was no brightness left inside her. I was alone now, besides the empty shell of my savior and the Darkness. My mind was melting, crackling as I fell deeper into the Dark.

Apollo’s Chariot finally descended beyond the horizon; The Darkness was now complete. I could feel it crawling down my throat, possessing my mind and soul. I screamed. My eyes turn to her, begging for her to help.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I couldn’t help myself.” I was almost gone. One little bit of consciousness left before I… POP.

I woke up in my bed. Cold, alone. I breathed in relief. Just a dream. I made my way to the bathroom, and splashed cool water over my face. I mirror was fogged up, and I couldn’t see my face. I used my shirtsleeve to wipe of an area, to examine it. But it was not my face I saw. Tired, sunken eyes stared back at me, darkened. Dead.


Spoiler! :
Well, I'm very sorry I made you read that. I wish it came out better. I think the first line was great, I just had no idea of how to develop it from their. *sighs* Ah well.

Anywhovian, ANOTHER piece submitted for a contest.
The Slogan was 'Snap! Crackle! Pop! (all of which are mentioned as the main character is consumed by the Darkness. The song is "Sweet Dreams," which I represented with a Dream (durr?) and the Darkness wants to abuse you. Yeah. Totally. And the Trope is "Tomato in the Mirror," because the real evil was nothing but the main's own subconscious mind, and therefore, he is (sort of) the bad guy. Or, if you don't want to accept that, Faceless Goons (because the converted have 'masks' on). I feel like I'm stretching this.... *sigh*
  





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Tue Nov 01, 2011 3:18 am
Leahweird says...



I actually really enjoyed reading this! I didn't realize until afterward that it was a contest entry, and had specific reasons for choosing things. I guess it's kinf od like abstract art. You take what you will from it. ANyway this piece had a very surreal quality that i really liked.

I do have some critics though. First of all, while a chariot of the son as good archtypal significance, Apollo's chariot has a bunch of specific connotations that do not work for this piece. You might want to think about making that more generic.
Also, a couple lines bothered me.
it struck in us a fear
sounds off. Struck fear in us would probably be better.
She seemed a majestic figure, but not one capable of stealing Apollo’s Chariot, and riding the arch of the sky as she did.
this is a really cool image, but the very last part of the phrase should probably be it own phrase. Like "Yet there she was riding the arch of the sky as she did." This is just my opinion though.

Lovely piece. I don't scare easily, but you do have some very creepy elements.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 997
Reviews: 15
Tue Nov 01, 2011 6:26 am
Euhuman says...



Hello.

Well well well I myself tried the dark writing but then I scared myself off
Firstly, It was excellent you did not end it on dream, that really pisses me off, Endings mean everything because many people just skim through a short story or an actual reader remembers the last para or the last line specifically

I guess you put the Sun and Apollo and all the metaphors thoughtfully, Thumbs up!

Great job, the above reader has already given you good suggestions. I can only say try and don't care. You'll eventually be the best

Love
P.s. replace 'pop' with some like spooky word. Or even something dead serious. Your choice,still =)
A Purple Daffodil
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Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
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