Young Writers Society

“Is he ready?”

“Yeah.”

“Bring him in.”

They brought him in. The doctor leaned close to the man. “Can you see me?”

No answer.

“Can you hear me?”

No answer.

“Speak!”

The man gulped.

The doctor looked disappointed. “He’s a difficult case, isn’t he?”

“Yeah.”

“Have you tried the usual?”

“Yeah, but he won’t talk.”

“Perhaps he’s mute.”

“Nah, he talks in his dreams.”

“What does he say?”

“Just nonsense.”

“Ah.” The doctor leaned closer to the man and jabbed his forehead. “Did you feel that? Did you feel that?” The man shuddered and tried to curl up in a ball.

“He’s stupid.”

“No, he’s insane,” the doctor corrected. “Clinically insane. Who is he?”

“Just some nobody.”

“Nobody?”

“Yeah. The police found him. He almost got hit by a car. They scanned him in the system, but he had no record. He’s a nobody.”

“Is he dangerous?”

“Nah.”

“Why is he wearing a straitjacket?”

“Standard procedure.”

“Oh. What if we take it off?”

“Don’t know.”

“Let’s take it off.”

They took it off.

“He isn’t doing anything.”

“He’s stupid.”

“What if we give him something to write with? Have you tried to giving him a pen?”

“Nah.”

“We should give him a pen.”

“Yeah.”

They put a pen in front of the man and, after a bit of searching, they finally found a scrap of paper.

“Hey mister, look what the doc brought.”

For a second, the man looked at the doctor. Then he turned to the paper. At once, he seized the pen.

He wrote.

For a whole minute, he scribbled on the paper. Veins popped out his neck, sweat poured from his temples, and his breath came out in asthmatic gasps, but he continued anyway. The two stared at him.

“He’s fast, isn’t he?”

“Yes, he is.”

At the sound of their voices, he stopped and stared around wildly. Then he curled up into a ball and whimpered.

“He’s pathetic.”

“I told you he was an idiot.”

The doctor frowned. “Can you make this out?”

“Let me see.”

He took the paper.

“It’s nonsense.”

“What does it say?”

“Just the same thing over again.”

“Let me see.”

The doctor squinted. On the paper was written:

I can write with this pen.
I can write with this pen.
I can write with this pen.
I can write with this pen.
I can write with this pen.
Ysterday I had a strange dream where there was this place with kites and there were some of the most beutiful kites you could ever see. Some were all the colours of the rainbow and when, unfoorled by the wind, they were just like rainbows spread across the sky. And some wre dragons and others were dragonflys, but all of them were so reallike. And I wanted to have a kite too, but my kite was broken and plastic and on its tail, their were rocks. And I tried to fly it, but it wouldn’t fly.
IT WOULDN’T FLY.
IT WOULDN’T FLY.
IT WOUL

That was all.

“So you’re a writer, huh? A poet?”

No answer.

“He is a funny one, isn’t he?”

“Yeah.”

The doctor looked again at the paper and then folded it up. “Put him in the jacket again.”

“Is he crazy?”

The doctor shrugged. “Perhaps.”

“Is he dangerous?”

“Undoubtedly. But take him away. We’ll take care of him soon.”

“All right. Come here, little guy. We’ll take care of you.”

The man ignored him. He was too busy playing with the pen.

“I said, come on.”

As the man was forced back into the straitjacket, the doctor unfolded the paper again and frowned.

“Why would you fly a kite that’s so obviously broken?”

“I told you he was stupid.”

“What if we give him something to write with? Have you tried to giving him a pen?”

“Nah.”

“We should give him a pen.”

“Yeah.”

Out of context, this part sounds kinda humorous. The brevity of it and all. I thought the part that the man wrote was well done.

At the beginning, the short ~paragraphs annoyed me, but there doesn't seem to be much reason to change it. That said, in the middle I thought it might be too sparse, as by the end I didn't care as much about the characters as I think I could have.

Hmm.. I'd put more actions in it. It's pretty much all talking. Make the people move around a bit, look around a bit here, kick a table here, stuff like that.

Otherwise it was interesting. Kept me reading.

~[~Lupe~]~

Like Amelia said above, I really didn't feel as much a connection with the characters and the situation as much as I wanted to. I'm not sure what's missing, whether it be lack of description or the large amount of dialouge.

Not that dialogue alone can't be effective...it's just that something is lacking here, keeping us from totally sympathizing with any of the characters.


MM

Poor stupid guy! All he needed was a pen. I see now why your nickname is Shiva. Maybe add a long, brutal, torture scene? You should name him Loki.

hmmmm....I shall explain my understanding of the story in a minute.

First! Random me shouting grammar at you despite the fact that we both know we disagree with each other when it comes to said grammar.

For a whole minute, he was writing, his forehead scrunched up, sweat pouring from his temples.

I think this should be broken up into two sentences. It would read better. "For a whole minute, he was writing. His forehead was scrunched up, sweat pouring from his temples." it just seems... cleaner? This is more of an opinion.

His veins popped out of his skin and he breathed fast, but he continued onwards.

I have a feeling this will be something we argue about ^_^ the "s" on the end of "onward". The S is only on the verb when in the "he" tense [he onwards] which makes no sense anyway. Then you have to consider the fact that in your sentence, He Continued onward[s], continued is the conjugated verb. Now, I don't know if the rule is the same in French as it is in English, at least, I've never seen it written any where, but I can assume it is. And so, onward should be in the infinitive, AKA: without an S. So... yeah. I just rambled about an S.

Now! Onto the contemplation of the story. At first I was thinking, "Okay, I wanted this to end with a point and it really has none..." I thought it might end up in some funny way, and then I'd be upset because I liked it seriously. And then it ended and... nothing happened. Well, okay, no, stuff happened, but nothing significant. It wasn't like "Wow, that was really impressive!" it was like, "The was really good writing but why was it written?" and I know you never write anything with a purpose but...You kind of do. Or at least there is a purpose in the reading of it. Am I making any sense?

And then I thought that maybe it was some larger metaphor about how writers, who are stupid, are bound down and tamed and kept from there ideas and being creative because of the restrains of society, etc, etc, which is represented by the doctors in the skit. But then I thought that I was digging a lot deeper than I really should have and this was b/s because that wasn't the purpose behind it and that honestly there is not point/purpose...


Yes. So, what is the point? ^_^

I've been jaded. Usually when I read something on the site, it's four pages long, takes forever to read, and I usually quit by the end. This was short, and it surprised me, but it was a nice break from the figurative novellas that are usually submitted.

I spotted typos and grammar mistakes, but they were in the man's writing. I don't know if that was on purpose or not, so I won't point them out.

Other than that, I kind of took Claud's route: being such a short piece, there must be something to it that has to be dug out. I'm thinking something along the lines of, "writers try to convey thoughts in unique ways, but when it gets too absurd, people chastise and abandon the writer. moral of the story is to be unique, but not eccentric".

My lit teacher has also jaded me, making me think any piece of work has a hidden meaning to it. Curse you, Mrs. Copperud...

Brilliant, darling, genius. Don't you dare listen to the others (sorry guys) and put in more action--the (almost) pure dialog was perfect!!! *sigh* It's been far too long since I read something of yours--I've missed the clean professionalism and skill of an experienced writer. *bows* Thank you for an enjoyable and (God bless you) short piece.

Quick Reply:

This has British humor written all over it (compliment).

I like the effect of pure dialogue, and the piece has great narrative drive! But the doctor's character seems a little idiotic to me, bigoted perhaps, is this intended?

I think that that story really has the potential to make people "wow" at the end, but in the current form, it just didn't do that for me.
I definitely like that the majority of the words are dialogue.
Right now, the guy really does seem like an idiot or totally insane, so for me, what the doctor says about flying a broken kite doesn't have the punch that it should. If there were more signs that this guy wasn't totally crazy, then the doctor's words would have more meaning. For all I know, that guy is insane and his wanting to fly a broken kite isn't a sign of hope or whatever, but actually a sign of his insanity and he has no idea what his dream actually could mean.
Real potential for one of those stories that makes me go "wow", but definitely needs a bit of editing first.

Ick.

I dislike reading into anything clinically pure. It clouds the precision of the writing. Much like people argued over Hemingways 'Hills Like White Elephants' and what the meaning was behind the text. I prefer to think there was none.

As for the so called, "anti climatic" ending, I must say that if you change it you will ruin this piece.

I loved this. And I'm not really a fan of your work, lol, at least, not anything recently. But this was good.

I loved that ending.

I will come back and comment when I'm coherent (as we have just discussed that it is two in the morning my time ), but I just wanted to leave a comment so you knew I'd read it.

Now I read this thinking "this really is rubbish writing" and I honestly thought it was. At first.

Then I got the end and thought, it seems to be written that way for a reason, and whatever reason that is - it works.

So I then sat there clicking my pen and staring up into the ceiling and thinking about what this story could possibly mean and had a rough idea of what it meant and, whether intentionally or not, this is what you created for me :

Claudette wrote:And then I thought that maybe it was some larger metaphor about how writers, who are stupid, are bound down and tamed and kept from there ideas and being creative because of the restrains of society, etc, etc, which is represented by the doctors in the skit.

I really did get that from it, except Claudette put it in better words than me.
You asked how you could make the ending better but evidently, from myself AND Claudette both coming to roughly the same conclusion from what is a very simple, very short piece then you must be doing something right. Your ending makes you think and it reminds me of a piece of poetry, something short and slightly cryptic with a very grandeur meaning behind it, you just have to be able to use what's given by the writer to decipher it.

I liked this piece a lot actually, well done.

I edited this a little, correcting the misspelling of straitjacket (I had written it as strait jacket). I also tweaked one paragraph, added a line of dialogue, and switched around one sentence in the dialogue.

So... hopefully it still works. ^_^;;