Young Writers Society

I like the way you opened it up; it definitely grabbed my attention and made want to read more. You also kept my attention all the way through, no easy feat mind you! However, I found the story to be somewhat disorienting; that is, I never quite knew what was going on. For the italics, that was fine, but for the remainder of the story, it needs to be fixed. There needs to be more description of what's going on and who the "Verplancks" are; it's not get keeping the reader in the dark.

Overall, though, I liked this story. It was interesting and moved swiftly along.

It sort of confused me ... but, then again, maybe I was destracted, or something.

Is the character who's speaking the person that Jeremy and the character's parents parents are talking about?
Is the speaking character a boy or girl? Maybe the story answers my questions and I wasn't paying attention ... ](*,)

Oh by the way, you spelled "ain't" wrong ... only a southerner like me could make that correction ...

Not bad, but not particularly good in my oppinion, no offense. Maybe it's just not my kind of story ... or maybe I need to read it over.

I love the descriptions in this...especially your use of similes and adjectives. One thing I'd like to point out, though, is that you started of in past tense, then switched to present tense...I think it would have been better to stay in past, because of your opening paragraph, and because I find present tense hard to read...but that's just me.

You've got great ideas - this could be turned into a novel if you expanded the plot.

The confusion is probably because this is an add-on to the story...lol

I switched because the initial story is in '77, he is just remembering.

I love this! I like how you go from rembering to present with the italics. And when you go: 'Oh. My. God' I like how put the peridos inbetween those words because it shows how devestated he is.
But, one thing that confused me: why does this man want Luke? this might be explained in the next segment but it confused me to read it here. And this paragraph here:

"After school, I come home, hang my cloak up on a peg and head in the direction of the kitchen to confer with Mother, yet I realize the door is closed, the roughly-hewn After school, I come home, hang my cloak up on a peg and head in the direction of the kitchen to confer with Mother, yet I realize the door is closed, the roughly-hewn slab of wood fitting uncomfortably in its frame. Not often is the kitchen door closed."

When you say 'Yet I reilize the door is closed' and then say at the end 'Not often is the kithen door closed' it sounded very repetive to have you say that the door was closed twice in the same paragraph. And this part here 'the roughly-hewn wood fitting uncomfortably in its frame." I didn't like the way you described that. I don't know why but I didn't like it. But this is great, I love it!

Ok I really liked this. Overall I had to aggree with Brian, who are the Verhaldiandplants schmagga.....? What did they have to do with the shooting? Why did it have to stop HERE???

ATTENTION EVERYONE THIS IS AN ADD ON TO PREVIOUS SEGMENTS THATS WHY THIS IS CONFUSING, READ THE OTHER SEGMENTS AND IT WILL MAKE SENSE.
THANK YOU THAT IS ALL *puts away megaphone*

*faints* Sam, how the heck do you write so well? You are amazing and this is my favorite yet.