Young Writers Society

Cars swim past me as I sit at the side of the curb at the busy road. Children run past me, their energetic laughter echo in my ears, their feet bouncing off the ground as they run away. The smells of scented soap runs up my nose, making me breathe in and out deeply. The smell goes, and I'm left alone again. Watching the pieces of metal ride off out of sight. A young couple walk past me, their hands clasped together and their eyes locked onto each other, their walks a pattern, the same step they take, the same breath they take. The young couple walk into the near by chip shop, ordering their selves a bag of chips to share between them. Luxury..

Teenage boys across the road are vandalizing a bin, kicking it about like a play toy, shouting out abusive words that pollute the air. One of them takes a look at me, he turns to his pal and he laughs too, soon the whole gang are looking at me, their faces, scary and worrying. They cross over. Cars beep their horns at them, telling them to get off the road, before the force of the man made machines would push them up into the air and let them fall heavily onto the ground where they could be paralyzed.. Unable to move from the incoming traffic. They manage to cross over without getting hit, meeting up with me.
"Ya alright man?" Laughs one, "Ya wanna drink?"
Their voices slurred, they bodies swaying. I force a thin smile, my nerves in my body twitching about, warning me to be careful.
"Smelly guy.. Ain't he?" Says another, hold his nose and making farting noises,
The others laugh, finding his pathetic joke funny. My ears rattle with their drunk words and insults, they start swearing. Walking in front of cars, holding the beer cans in their hands, raising it up so others could see. Stopping nearby cars from getting to their destination on time. I stare at them, eagerly wanting a sip of their beer, a taste of food. They walk off getting bored of me, I watch them go over the road again annoying some other poor person. My greasy hair covers my face by the wind. I pull it back, it sticking there like some type of cheap glue sticking my hair to my scalp.
My stomach rumbles, making funny noises crying for a proper meal. I get up, bringing my small can, with a couple of loose change, shaking it to nearby people, asking for food to save me from dying of hunger.

Yeah... I know its crap >.<

I thinks it's quite good, but it's hard to tell that the character is a boy, and there's some grammar mistakes that confuzzled me;

their hands clasped together and their eyes locked onto each other

Just locked on eachother will do, although it doesn't sound quite right, so maybe a quick rethink of this wouldn't be a waste of time.

their walks a pattern, the same step they take, the same breath they take

Their walk's a pattern, if you want to say "walk is". It could also be: There walks a pattern, if you mean that they are like a walking pattern. I'd change it to "breathing the same breaths, stepping the same steps" but maybe that's just me.

telling them to get off the road, before the force of the man made machines would push them up into the air and let them fall heavily onto the ground where they could be paralyzed.. Unable to move from the incoming traffic.

I hated thisline. No offense, but it's as though you're trying too hard to put across the point that the thoughts in the dude's head are technical. It interrupts the flow of the paragraph, and makes it a little... clunky.

My stomach rumbles, making funny noises crying for a proper meal. I get up, bringing my small can, with a couple of loose change, shaking it to nearby people, asking for food to save me from dying of hunger.

The "funny" doesn't sound right. I'd cut out "making funny noises". "a couple of loose change" should be "some loose change". And, the last line was a little off. Asking for food? Generally they ask for money, but again, personal preferance.

Sorry if I'm being one of thosepeople who pick on every single little grammar mistake!! eep...

I told you it was crap

It's not crap, it just uses some complex sentences. Like, the "there walks a pattern" thingy... it was unclear wether you were using a metaphor (like "there walks a broken man") or stating that their walk was a pattern... it's not crap, just, unclear.

Definitely not crap. However, did sound like you were trying too hard to sound poetic and vague. You know, being literary to the point where it no longer sounds like a real person is narrating the piece. With first-person, it's often a good idea to write the narration with a voice that sounds almost as natural as dialogue. Otherwise, the character doesn't feel like a real person. But, good effort. You've deffinitely got something here.

Good Job Emma! I agree with Harley, it was a little hard to tell if the charcter was a boy. Anyway, a good story!! Hee hee!

~Lollipop~