Young Writers Society

is the truth really a truth or is it a covered up lie.Every one around you is smirking and you dont know why.The world is laughing andspitting all over you beacuse you are different. You keep it all inside, Untill you explode and every one sees your true colors.While the kids are crying and saying sorry it is too late you already have the gun and it is too late you already have the gun.The screaming of the kids that thought it was so funny now falling to the floor.The pleas and the bribes are not going to work now he has had enough and thats all that matters.one says im your friend another says i didn't mean it but it was too late to stop.the bullet flies and everyone holds their breath and one by one the one next to you falls down and you are greatfull it was not you.if you moved he would put one right between your eyes ir you screamed he would blow off your knee they didn't understand they brought it on them selves.But then he remembered his 10th birthday he got a golden watch but a couple days later got beaten up for it and the one who beat him up was now standing in front of him.But all he did was tell the kid to tell his mother he was sorry and shot himself.The kid told the kids mother and she was heart broken.a few days late the cops found the mother dead on the bed they buried them under a willow and the angels sang a whisky lulaby.

Good although you need aspace between a full stop and a new sentence

eg:He is playing. He is happy.
see the full space. hee!

lulaby

Isn't lullaby spelt with two "l"s

And some of your "i"s need capatilizing.

I think it was great but watch out for those little things. They can make a differnce.
Sorry if I was too harsh

~Lollipop~

Great ideas. But there are a few things you could do to make it even better. Reformat it, maybe make it a little longer, with a three or four paragraphs. Revise it just a little and tell it in first-person.

Good work.

Yeah, definitely expand it and you'll have a really interesting piece.

It's way eaiser to read when it's typed up. Yes, I have nothing to say. Although they are right about the paragraph thing and the I thing. Then again I'm the worlds worst speller, so what do I know?

Good job. The main things that I saw in the error subject is that you didn't capitalize the first word.

The screaming of the kids that thought it was so funny now falling to the floor.The pleas and the bribes are not going to work now he has had enough and thats all that matters.one says im your friend another says i didn't mean it but it was too late to stop.

This should be a new paragraph and the next sentence needs to be capitalized.

It sad and depressing but so are alot things eg Ann Franks diary

You're sad and depressing...

About your story.... yeah, it's still good, and I know you can add a lot more now. I'm bored. I'm out.

I like this story, is has a lot of feeling in it. There are things you could do to make it better however. One is check over your grammer, captal letters, fullstops, commas and the like. Another thing is that you could make it longer. You might not want to do this, I don't know, it's up to you.

is the truth really a truth or is it a covered up lie.

You need to use a capital at the beginning, also, that should end with a question mark because it's a question. Maybe put a comma after "truth really a truth" too, but that might be optional.

Every one around you is smirking and you dont know why.

"Every one" should be one word, "Everyone". Also, don't needs an apostrophe. Good sentence though.

You keep it all inside, Untill you explode and every one sees your true colors.

"Until" has only one "l", also it doesn't need a capital.

There's more little grammatical errors like those throughout the whole piece.

While the kids are crying and saying sorry it is too late you already have the gun and it is too late you already have the gun.

You could divide this into a few, shorter sentences to make it more dynamic.
eg. While the kids are crying and saying sorry, it is too late. You already have the gun. ... and the rest of that seems to be a repeat, I'm not sure if it's meant ot be that way or not.
Hmmm ... actually that first bit sounds a touch off, doesn't it? Maybe if you went The kids are crying and saying sorry, but it is too late. Hmmm ... well, up to you.

The screaming of the kids that thought it was so funny now falling to the floor.

That doesn't really make sense, but I can see what you're trying to say. Read through that and fix it up.

.The pleas and the bribes are not going to work now he has had enough and thats all that matters.one says im your friend another says i didn't mean it but it was too late to stop.the bullet flies and everyone holds their breath and one by one the one next to you falls down and you are greatfull it was not you.if you moved he would put one right between your eyes ir you screamed he would blow off your knee they didn't understand they brought it on them selves.

This is a little confusing because you're changing how you reffer to everyone. In the beginning, the kid with the gun is refered to as "you" ... but then it changes so that "you" are the kids getting shot, and the kid with the gun becomes "he".

But all he did was tell the kid to tell his mother he was sorry and shot himself.The kid told the kids mother and she was heart broken.a few days late the cops found the mother dead on the bed they buried them under a willow and the angels sang a whisky lulaby.

Now the tense has changed too. It the beginning you were telling the story in persent tense with "is" or "flies", now it's in past tense with "she was" and "burried". you need to be consistant. Also, this bit seems to go to quickly. Pace yourself a bit more. If the kid with the gun is talking, instead of saying "all he did was tell the kid to tell his mother" (which is also rather confusing) put the dialogue in quotation marks like:
He turned to the bully.
"Tell my mum that I'm sorry." etc...
See? Less confusing. You might want to try that.

But overall, it's good story. It made my heart feel sad.