Young Writers Society

Tell me if this belongs in a different section... Something weird I thought up earlier.

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At seven o’clock sharp, all six members of the Hannover family-excluding Sparky the dog and Chipmunk the cat-groggily propped themselves up on blue pillows with a gold ‘H’ stitched in a italic script on the side, yawned, and pressed perfectly manicured fingers on perfectly smooth ‘Off’ buttons.

All except for Hans, who groaned, groped for his polished Little League bat from under the bedclothes, and took a wild swing at the bleeping sound coming from the beside table.

The poor clock didn’t stand a chance.

It was reduced to a pile of pieces of pulverized Mickey Mouse limbs and slivers of broken glass.

Satisfied, Hans sighed with pleasure and closed his eyes, savoring the precious few minutes he had until his mother came in and barked at him for ‘disrupting the morning routine. And stop that snickering, Betsy.’

***

Yesh, this is pretty short, but I'm also working on Hourglass at the moment so I'm a bit preoccupied.

nice

Huh?
But very interesting. I like it.

I'm confused. What was the point of this? Do we have a future Gordon Korman in our midsts?

People: Note, this is the FIRST FOUR PARAGRAPHS of a book.

Why would you post only four paragraphs?

Because she can. Maybe she just wants to know if it sounds like a good idea or not. The first few paragraphs can make or break a story. Don't be so critical on how much she posted.

Sam, I think it sounds pretty interesting so far. I really like the humorous tone! That's something I can rarely pull off. Can't wait to read more!

This is awesome, Sam. Kinda reminds me of British humor, and of Adams' style. Its hilarious plus the description is great that I could actually imagine the scene. Nice. Very nice.

Why is the title called that, though...?

Not critical. Just confused. I wouldn't have minded as much if it had been indicated that this was just an opening rather than an entire piece. Since there wasn't, I didn't know what to make of it.

Haha, that's awesome, Sam! I love your writing; it's great...it makes me sick that you're only 11...

But just from the first four paragraphs I can tell that it definitely has the potential to be great...I like the slightly sarcastic humour.

Well, there's a Canadian author this kid kind of reminds me of, who I already mentioned, Gordon Korman. The first book be published was written when he was only twelve. I'm personally not too fond of his stuff, but middle-grade kids love him.

I think I've read something by him...have to check.

Great Sam, very funny.

"The poor clock didn't stand a chance"

but I think in the first paragraph you should have it like this:

"At seven o’clock sharp, all six members of the Hannover family-excluding Sparky the dog and Chipmunk the cat, groggily propped themselves up on blue pillows with a gold ‘H’ stitched in a italic script on the side, yawned, and pressed perfectly manicured fingers on perfectly smooth ‘Off’ buttons."

Insted of:

"At seven o’clock sharp, all six members of the Hannover family-excluding Sparky the dog and Chipmunk the cat-groggily propped themselves up on blue pillows with a gold ‘H’ stitched in a italic script on the side, yawned, and pressed perfectly manicured fingers on perfectly smooth ‘Off’ buttons."

I think its just a little easier to read this way. But great job

haha Nice start.