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Vision In Black Nail Polish [need guys opinion]



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Tue Jun 14, 2005 6:10 pm
Harley says...



~update~

I walked home myself, staring at the ground, hands in my pockets, wondering what I’d done to deserve this. My hopes had dive-bombed, crashed and burned- I felt awful. Billy would sweep her off her worn-out Airwalks, she would get hurt, and as usual, it would be me who picks up the pieces.

But this time it was different; I really liked her. She was funny, and rockin’, and did I mention FINE? And Billy took her away from me. You don’t meet a girl like Kirsten every day, especially if you’re me. I started to feel more rage than sorrow. It built up; it took over. I was furious- how could he do that to me? I stopped, turned around, and headed back to the coffee place. This time I wasn’t afraid to kick some preppy jock ass.

I didn’t have to go all the way to the coffee place, though. Billy was walking down an alley, alone. I watched as he lit a cigarette, the orange light tearing through the blackness the solitary street lamp failed to illuminate. I walked up to him, and he stopped in his tracks.

“You know what? I bet you think it’s nothing. All in a day’s work for Billy Marshall- high-school superstar.”

He laughed. “Fuck off, queer.”

“You think it’s funny? You think it’s fuckin’ funny stealing a guy’s girl?”

“Yeah, actually, I do.”

“Go to hell.”

“Ooh, I’m scared; really.”

“Leave Kirsten alone,” I said, through gritted teeth. The light let me pick out a smirk forming on his smug face.

“Just another chick. They’re only good for one thing.”

That did it. I drew my fist back, quickly yet silently, and punched him square on the jaw- using my weight to cause maximum damage, like Coach Green always yelled at me to do. If he was here now, he’d be proud, I guess.

If it hurt, Billy didn’t show any sign of it. He simply placed his huge hand over the spot where I’d hit him, and looked at me with a shocked expression.

“You little fucking bag of shit” He grabbed my shirt collar, and breathed heavily. It was his turn to punch me, and did I mention how huge this guy was? And, worst of all, how small I was compared to him? His fist met my face. Hard. I fell to the ground, and blacked out.

When I woke up, I was in a hard, uncomfortable bed, which I instantly recognised as being from the local hospital. I sat up, quickly, and saw Seth, Tucker, Carson, Mallory, my Mom and my Dad sitting in the room. My Mom instantly came up to me, followed by my Dad and Tucker. The others stood up and sheepishly moved toward me, obviously unsure of whether to leave me with my parents or not.

My parents went through the whole procedure: who did this, yadda-yadda-yadda. I said I didn’t want to talk about it, and they left it at that after fifty seven or so times. Then I went through the whole routine again. I wasn’t ratting out on Billy, even if I did hate his guts.

Eventually, it was just me and Tucker in the room, and I told him. He was furious when I told him, and stood up. He picked up his board and headed for the door.

“Where you going?” I asked.

“To kick that dude’s ass from here to next Christmas.”

“Tucker, you’re crazy. You’re stronger than me, yeah, but you can’t take on Billy. Nobody can.”

“You’re right, man. Well, anyway, I gotta go, my mom’s probably paged me a million times. Later.”

“See you.”

I tried to get up, and found it pretty easy. My room had a bathroom, with a mirror in it. I walked over to it, as fast as I could with a limp, so nobody saw me in my boxers; I checked out my face. A black eye, my cheek was bruised. My legs and back were aching. I checked them out, too. Billy must’ve kicked me after I was down, which is meant to be, like, frowned upon or something. My clothes were lying on a chair, so I got dressed.

The car ride home was pretty silent. My parents knew I didn’t want to talk about it- any 15-year-old guy who got beat up would feel the same. It was like there was a storm in my heart, the thunderous conflict clashing with the lightening of confusion. I was pretty messed up, on the outside and the inside.

I didn’t see Kirsten again until school. She came by my house but I told my Mom, Dad and brother (who’d been at his friend’s house when I got hurt) to make up some excuse so that I didn’t have to see her. I couldn’t bear to look at her; she tried to talk to me at school a few times but I couldn’t take it. I’d always been the sort of, dark brooding type. I liked to keep things to myself, except when I was talking to Tucker. He was my best friend, ever. He’d never let me down, and he was always there for me when I needed him, so why hadn’t he called me? He probably thought I wanted some alone time or whatever.

On Sunday night, I went out, after promising my parent’s that I’d be careful and page my brother if I got into any hassle. I said I would, and met up with Seth and Carson. Tucker wasn’t answering our pages and his Mom said he went out a while ago. We hung out around the street, playing around on our boards.

“Wanna swing by the coffee place?” asked Carson, who was able to speak to us now that he didn’t have a Mallory hanging from his mouth. Seth nodded, and they both looked at me. I shrugged.

“Sure, yeah, whatever, y’know?” I realised what I said made no sense, but I just shook my head and led the way.

We had to walk past the alley, and as we neared it, I looked in. I expected to see nothing except the streetlight, but instead I saw Tucker. Lying on the ground. Not moving.
  





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Mon Jun 20, 2005 3:02 am
Sam says...



DUN DUN DUN DUN....

all I think was that the part where he's fighting with Billy is quite a bit rushed, I'm like, 'what?' Basically, that was it. :D

Sorry it took me so long...
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





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Mon Aug 08, 2005 9:14 pm
Harley says...



i figured since it was only two punches, enough said. i might re work that bit, actually. thanks :D

i've finishe dit, but i'm gonna wait for a few morepeople to comment (HINT HINT :P) before i post the next part. :)
  





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Mon Aug 08, 2005 9:37 pm
Emma says...



I commented!! And great! Yay!!

And pooooor Tucker!!

I hope he lives!! :cry:

(even though I've already read the story xP)
  





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Tue Aug 09, 2005 5:50 pm
Harley says...



:P

shhhhhhh now
  





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Sat Aug 13, 2005 11:26 am
slytherinseeker says...



From the first installment- great!
Although often some guy's reaction would be to look at the size of her breasts.
Boobs, face and bum is what a lot of guys are after.

Second installment- great although I think Tucker should get a better go, like a close fight in the Rocky movies.
  





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Tue Aug 30, 2005 8:02 pm
Harley says...



~update~

We rushed over to him, throwing our precious boards on the concrete sidewalk. He was beat up pretty bad; bloody nose, burst lip and gashes all over his chest and legs. Seth checked his breathing; nothing. Carson checked his pulse; faint and irregular. I spaced out for a second, but Carson shook me and I regained my senses.

“Shit. Oh, shit,” I shouted, thankful my mom wasn’t nearby.

“Calm down, dude,” said Seth sharply; but I couldn’t calm down. I just couldn’t.

“How can I calm down?! Tucker is lying in a fucking alley almost DEAD.”

“We don’t know that!” Seth yelled. I dug my hand in my pocket and realised I had no change.

“You don’t need change for an emergency call dumb-ass!” yelled Carson.

“Lay off him!” yelled Seth. I couldn’t take any more. I ran to the payphone and dialled 911- tears welling in my eyes.

“Emergency Services- which service would you like?”

“Ambulance… and Police. Ambulance and Police.”

A paramedic picked up, “Hello?”

“My best friend’s been beaten up; he’s lying in an alley just before Madison Boulevard in Green Bank. He isn’t breathing and his pulse is faint and different each time.” My voice cracked as I began sobbing; I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.

“Calm down, son, it’s gonna be okay. What’s your friend’s name?”

“T-Tucker Roosevelt, 27 Heatherfield D-Drive.”

“We’ll be straight over- contact the police and Tucker’s parents, and put him in the recovery position. Do you know how to do that?”

“Seth d-does.”

“Seth?”

“My two f-friends Seth and C-Carson are with m-me.”

“Right; get them to put him in the recovery position and keep checking his pulse. You contact everyone’s parents; Tucker’s primarily, and the Police. Hang in there, kid; we’ll be there soon.”

“Th-Thanks; I’ll get on it.” The line went dead, and the operator patched me on to the Police. I told them what had happened, and they said they’d be over as quick as possible. I hung up and placed a quarter in the phone; then rang Tucker’s mom.

I didn’t worry her by telling her that Tucker’s pulse wasn’t so hot; I told her he was unconscious and that we were keeping a close watch on him until the paramedics arrived. She sounded worried as she asked where we were. I told her and she said she’s be right over, and to put him in the recovery position. I said we were on it and she hung up just as I heard the ambulance’s siren wailing. It screeched to a halt in front of the alley and three men rushed out- two carrying a stretcher and the other a box with… paramedical equipment. A fourth guy asked me what was going on, and I told him the story.

“Well thank god you guys got to him. Called the police?”

“Yeah, they said they’d be here as soon as they could. I wish they’d--“This time it was the police’s turn to screech to a halt. The noise had brought about a few onlookers, to which the paramedics strictly instructed to stay back.

“What happened?” came a short abrupt voice, which I saw belonged to a fierce looking police officer with a buzz-cut, when I turned.

“We found him in the alley,” explained Carson, who then jumped to the right to let several rushing paramedics past.

“I can see that, kid. Do you have any idea who did it?” replied the police officer. I was outraged at the way he spoke to Carson. I was outraged at everything. The two shook their heads, and turned to me.

“Billy Marshall.” I said it shortly, and watched as another dude took down the name on a little notebook. I ran my hand through my hair, which was greasy with sweat, to get it out of my eyes.

“And who is this Billy Marshall?”

“He’s a guy at our school; a jock.” I couldn’t talk much, for worrying about Tucker.

“Kid,” came the voice of the dude with the notebook, “we’re gonna need more information. Can you tell us more about him?” He had his arm on my shoulder, which was oddly comforting.

“He pounds on me a lot --I was dancing with this girl and --“

“A girl, huh? This is all about a girl?” said the guy with the buzz-cut. I decided I didn’t like him.

“No. I-- It’s just I went to the bathroom and when I got back they were dancing, so I left.”

“Left where?”

“The coffee place, down there,” I pointed to the joint and carried on, “So I was walking home and I saw him in an alley so I went up to him and asked him who the hell he thought he was, and he slugged me in the face and kicked me a couple times after I blacked out. Then I woke up in hospital and tucker was there and I told him it was Billy and he said he’d go kick his ass, and I said not to, but he left.” I sighed heavily. I was glad to get it out. It made me feel better, hearing the words come from my own mouth.

“Right; anything else?”

“That’s basically it. I haven’t seen Tucker since school on Friday.”

“Okay. We’re gonna need to talk to Tucker’s mother. In the meantime, I suggest you three call your parents and get a ride home.” We nodded, but instead of heading to the payphone, we ran for the ambulance and saw Tucker getting lifted in on a stretcher. I looked round and saw his mom, distraught and screaming frantically.

“Hey, is he gonna be okay man?” Seth asked a paramedic, who looked at us gravely, making my heart sink further than ever before.

“He’s in really bad shape. We’re taking him to the hospital, where he should recover. You friends of his?”

“Yeah,” Carson piped up.

“You can come to the hospital with us, if the police’ll take you, and call your parents from the emergency room,” he said. We all looked hopefully at each other, then at the policeman who had suddenly appeared next to us.

“I’ll take ‘em.”
  





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Tue Aug 30, 2005 10:42 pm
Sam says...



Your grammar and sentences rock, missy, so I can't pick on those. However...

DIALOGUE

1. For a harried situation, your dialogue is a bit long and involved. Build some tension- get rid of extra words and shorten/cut-off sentences. By making the sentences go faster, you feel your pulse start to get faster because you're covering so much ground in so little time. A time to go 'woah!'

2. He's really stressed now; make that a point by making his thoughts and speech kind of fuzzy and scattered. He's amazingly coherent for 'tucker lying in a fucking alley almost DEAD'. Mix 'n' match sentences, put them out of order.

Here, I gotta go, finish this in a little bit!
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





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Tue Aug 30, 2005 11:58 pm
Sam says...



3. A little stuttering is okay, but after awhile it gets repetitous. He's flustered, yeah, I got that, but if you use one or two at the beginning, it sets the speech for the rest of the conversation.

ATTITUDE

The mood is okay, but it needs some work. A lot of this corresponds with the dialogue comments ^^.

The mother would be a bit more than 'worried as we were'. It's her kid lying bloody in the alley, right? Give us a little glimpse at her reaction to this.

The friends would also be really stressed as well, even more, because they were the ones checking his pulse and all that jazz. Make them sweat cold, make them swear and kick the ground.

I would also ask someone who's called Emergency Services before or look up a transcript of a call on the internet. I think you've gotten it pretty much all right...then again, I'm not sure how it's really done. This is set in America too, remember that, sometimes things are different.

AMERICANISM

I would also ask someone who's called Emergency Services before or look up a transcript of a call on the internet. I think you've gotten it pretty much all right...then again, I'm not sure how it's really done. This is set in America too, remember that, sometimes things are different.

'“Lay off him!”' Not usually used. 'Back off' is okay.

'“He pounds on me a lot' - He beats me up a lot.

WHEE!! Sam feels good now...thank you Harlz!
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





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Fri Sep 02, 2005 9:39 am
Doubt says...



I have nothing to say besides I love it. Good work.
  





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Sun Sep 04, 2005 9:19 am
Emma says...



That is really good!

But Also....

“The coffee place, down there,” I pointed to the joint and carried on, “So I was walking home and I saw him in an alley so I went up to him and asked him who the hell he thought he was, and he slugged me in the face and kicked me a couple times after I blacked out. Then I woke up in hospital and tucker was there and I told him it was Billy and he said he’d go kick his ass, and I said not to, but he left.” I sighed heavily.


If I was saying that, I would get words mixed up and probably repeat stuff... O.o

Ah well, its better than my work. Sam has everything that needs to be said... I love your stories harlz ;)
  





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Sun Sep 04, 2005 2:57 pm
Sam says...



Ahh! I forgot something:

'“The coffee place, down there,” I pointed to the joint and carried on,'

You might wanna say 'I pointed to the place and carried on'. I pointed to the joint could be interepreted many ways...
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





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Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:05 pm
Harley says...



lol nice to get a good THOROUGH constructive crit..

*eyes all other people suspiciously*

nah, ilike being praised.. :P

i'm gonna edit it and work on these.. i'll repost the edit when i'm done and maybe the next section if i feel like it.. :D

thanks everyone!!

xx
  





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Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:59 pm
Harley says...



We rushed over to him, throwing our precious boards on the concrete sidewalk. He was beat up pretty bad; bloody nose, burst lip and gashes all over his chest and legs. Seth checked his breathing; nothing. Carson checked his pulse; faint and irregular. I spaced out for a second, but Carson shook me and I regained my senses.

“Shit. Oh, shit,” I shouted, thankful my mom wasn’t nearby.

“Calm down, dude,” said Seth sharply; but I couldn’t calm down. I just couldn’t.

“How can I calm down?! Tucker is lying in a fucking alley almost DEAD.”

“We don’t know that!” Seth yelled. I dug my hand in my pocket and realised I had no change.

“You don’t need change for an emergency call dumb-ass!” yelled Carson.

“Lay off him!” yelled Seth. I couldn’t take any more. I ran to the payphone and dialled 911- tears welling in my eyes.

“Emergency Services- which service would you like”

“Ambulance… and Police. Ambulance and Police.”

A paramedic picked up, “Hello?”

“My best friend’s been beaten up; he’s lying in an alley just before Madison Boulevard in Green Bank. He isn’t breathing and his pulse is faint and different each time.” My voice cracked as I began sobbing; I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.

“Calm down, son, it’s gonna be okay. What’s your friend’s name?”

“T-Tucker Roosevelt, 27 Heatherfield D-Drive.”

“We’ll be straight over- contact the police and Tucker’s parents, and put him in the recovery position. Do you know how to do that?”

“Seth d-does.”

“Seth?”

“My two friends Seth and C-Carson are with me.”

“Right; get them to put him in the recovery position and keep checking his pulse. You contact everyone’s parents; Tucker’s primarily, and the Police. Hang in there, kid; we’ll be there soon.”

“Th-Thanks… I’ll get on it.” The line went dead, and the operator patched me on to the Police. I told them what had happened, and they said they’d be over as quick as possible. I hung up and placed a quarter in the phone; then rang Tucker’s mom.

I didn’t worry her by telling her that Tucker’s pulse wasn’t so hot; I told her he was unconscious and that we were keeping a close watch on him until the paramedics arrived. She sounded worried as she asked where we were. Her voice quivered and she choked on the words. I said we were on it and she hung up. I felt dizzy; I swayed a little. I tuned out and listened to the buzz of everything going on. The sound of an ambulance siren brought me out of the trance, as it screeched to a halt in front of the alley and three men rushed out- two carrying a stretcher and the other a box with… paramedical stuff. A fourth guy asked me what was going on. I didn’t want to say anything, so Seth explained. His voice sounded choked up as though he had a cold; I knew how he felt.

“Well thank god you guys got to him. Called the police?”

“Yeah, they said they’d be here as soon as they could. I wish they’d--“This time it was the police’s turn to screech to a halt. The noise had brought about a few onlookers, to which the paramedics strictly instructed to stay back.

“What happened?” came a short abrupt voice, which I saw belonged to a fierce looking police officer with a buzz-cut, when I turned. My eyelids felt heavy and I felt like I was gonna throw up.

“We found him in the alley,” explained Seth, who then jumped to the right to let several rushing paramedics past.

“I can see that, kid. Do you have any idea who did it?” replied the police officer. I was outraged at the way he spoke to Seth. I was outraged at everything. The two shook their heads, and turned to me. The sickness fell away as I thought of Billy- the hatred fuelling my body. I wanted him to pay for what he’d done to my best friend.

“Billy Marshall.” I said it shortly, angrily, and watched as another dude took down the name on a little notebook. I ran my hand through my hair, which was greasy with sweat, to get it out of my eyes.

“And who is this Billy Marshall?”

“He’s a guy at our school; a jock.” I couldn’t talk much, for worrying about Tucker. I wanted everyone to just leave me alone.

“Kid,” came the voice of the dude with the notebook, “we’re gonna need more information. Can you tell us more about him?” He had his arm on my shoulder, which was oddly comforting.

“He beats me up a lot --I was dancing with this girl and --“

“A girl, huh? This is all about a girl?” said the guy with the buzz-cut. I decided I didn’t like him.

“No,” I answered fiercely, jerking my body so the guy with the notebook took his hand away. I did not like this guy. “I-- It’s just I went to the bathroom and when I got back they were dancing, so I left.”

“Left where?”

“The coffee place, down there,” I pointed to the joint and carried on, “So I was walking home and I saw him in an alley so I went up to him and asked him who the hell he thought he was… he slugged me in the face… kicked me a couple times… I blacked out.”

The buzz-cut guy nodded. “Then what happened?”

I kept my eyes downcast. A tear slid from my eye and landed on my shoe. I stared at it.

“Look, kid, if you don’t start talking we’re not gonna find out who did this to your friend, now are you gonna co-operate or not?!”

“BACK OFF!” I yelled. I sank to my knees and held my face in my hands. The guy with the notebook crouched down.

“Kid,” he said gently, “I know you must be upset right now--“

“YOU DON’T KNOW!” I shouted, “No-one knows.” I sobbed. I didn’t care who saw. The notebook guy put his hand on my shoulder again. I let him.

“I know.” I looked up into his kind eyes.

“Then I woke up in hospital and Tucker was there… I told him it was Billy… he said he’d go kick his ass, and I said not to… but he left.” I sighed heavily. I was glad to get it out. It made me feel better, hearing the words come from my own mouth.

“Right; anything else?”

I stared at the ground, and felt my head shake. I felt sick. I wanted to lie down on the ground, but I knew I couldn’t. I staggered slightly. My head felt like a lead balloon.

“Okay. We’re gonna need to talk to Tucker’s mother. In the meantime, I suggest you three call your parents and get a ride home.”

We nodded, but instead of heading to the payphone, we ran for the ambulance and saw Tucker getting lifted in on a stretcher. I looked round and saw his mom, distraught and screaming frantically. Her face shone with tears and her high pitched voice tore through the air.

“Hey, is he gonna be okay man?” Seth asked a paramedic, who looked at us gravely, making my heart sink further than ever before. I lent against the side of the ambulance to keep my balance.

“He’s in really bad shape. We’re taking him to the hospital, where he should recover. You friends of his?”

“Yeah,” Carson piped up. He’d been kicking a dumpster in the alley, and cursing quietly about Billy. He wasn’t crying, which may have made me ashamed before, but not now. Now I just didn’t care.

“You can come to the hospital with us, if the police’ll take you, and call your parents from the emergency room,” he said. We all looked hopefully at each other, then at the policeman who had suddenly appeared next to us.

“I’ll take ‘em.”


[better? =)]
  





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Tue Sep 06, 2005 4:53 pm
Emma says...



That is MUCH better, great work Harley ;)
  








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