Young Writers Society

I had to post something...this is FAR from final...tell me what you think.

At dusk, I wander alone to the edge of the commons, my mind gently meandering and a warm feeling of calm hanging about me.

I stop at the fence, looking down at the many rows of burlap tents, now deserted. the soldiers have gone off to the fields to drill, the din of their shouts and muskets distant and undisturbing.

I absently toy with dirtied, aged lace at my throat, and I just am.

I feel whole.

Free of wanting. Free of passions. Free of sin. Free of doubt...

"You!" a sudden, soft cry escapes from my lips in surprise. "Irwing's boy, ahn't you?"

The voice is a strangled, high-pitched medley of a British and an American accent, choppy on the tongue and sharp to the ear.

"Yes, sir." I say, tentatively swerving around to face…

To face a boy.

A boy who couldn’t be any older than I, dressed in a pointedly dirty red uniform. Two sticky-looking, heavily bejeweled hands are half-buried in his coat pockets, and dark greasy hair juts out from below a slightly-askew bicorne.

He steps closer, pushing me back against the fence to escape the rank stench emanating from him.

So close, I can smell his breath, the spicy, sense-dulling odor of luxurious rum.

Oh, this is rich.

Not a bad begginning.

For some reason, when your character says "I just am,"it seems like it should just be "I am." I don't know, maybe I'm just OCD about things.

But, yeah, great job, this is a nice piece. Keep working on it.

Well...uhm...it's not the beginning, but that's okay...

I loved it.

Sam wrote:I absently toy with dirtied, aged lace at my throat, and I just am.

I feel whole.

That was such a great section. I really don't know how to say it, but it was just perfect. I've felt like that before, and you captured it beautifully in those few words. Don't know how you do it.

Sam wrote:A boy who couldn’t be any older than I, dressed in a pointedly dirty red uniform. Two sticky-looking, heavily bejeweled hands are half-buried in his coat pockets, and dark greasy hair juts out from below a slightly-askew bicorne.

Haha, good imagery here.

Sam wrote:Oh, this is rich.

I liked that line. Very sarcastic. Made me laugh.

I still can't believe you're only eleven. You write better than me and I'm fifteen! That's really not fair, Sam.

Go Sam, it's your birthday

Now go do a happy dance in your pink and black converses

Excellent as usual, m'dear. Keep it up or me and my minions will have to pound on you a little pbit lol

Oh, this is rich.

Heh...Best line in any story I've read....hehe... *grins evilly*

Excellent as usual, a bit more humorous than usual. Nevertheless, excellent