Young Writers Society

This is great! I like how the stuff he's writing kind of mixes with what's happening around him.
Unfortunatly, I need to read more of the previous Hourglasses to truly understand what's going on (and that's difficult because there is absolutley no way of finding the order they should go in).

You're too good for me to find bad points honestly. I may see a bit that I think could be better, or that doesn't quite flow as well as it could, but I'd be too scared to mention it. Because if I'm wrong and you point it out, I'd look really stupid. And you don't make many mistakes.
If I were a little better than you (and able to find even a few mistakes) I'd find the errors and point them put no matter how insignificat they are, because I think when you're good at something you need to be pushed into being better instead of just coasting. Like my art and my english teachers. I'm pretty good at both, but I get A+'s in Art and only A's in English because my English teacher marks me a little harsher and tries to make me be perfect before he'll give me full marks, whereas my art teacher thinks I'm perfect, gives me the A+ then tells everyone else how good I am (which is humiliating). I feel myself wanting to do better at English than at art, no matter how much homework it takes, no matter how many rewrites I have to do. I want to be better. In Art, I'm happy to coast.
Now there was a point behind that speach, but just hold out for a moment. See my little dilema? I want to find every tinsy mistake you make and tell you about it ... and hopefully make you want to improve yourself. But I saw your critique of Happy Lizard's story, and you picked heaps of things I'd missed (and a few I didn't say because she's my little sister after all ... and you saw that I can be a little protective of her). So I know I'm going to end up making myself look stupid, but, *deep breath* I'm going in ...

PS the point behind the speach is to try and get you to understand this, so that if I fail to push you, then you may push youself anyway. Don't be satisfied with "Yeah, that's great!" as being the best you can acheive. Don't let yourself get away with things just because people can't spot them.

As light surrenders to dark, the print in my copybook grows fainter and fainter. With each passing moment, I rely more and more heavily on the waning, faltering candle resting upon the desk in front of me

Lovely starting bit, it gives me a good image to build on as more things are added. BUT (ok, I'm building my courage to say this ... ) I don't like "waning, faltering" like that, with both of them together there. I say cut one, and maybe move one somewhere else, in another descriptive sentence or something, so that you still use that word somewhere (hey, they're good words, I'd sure want them both).

Mother sits in a rickety old chair that had obviously been quite a fine thing, once.

I like this effect, and use it often myself, of saying something was once good ... but is pretty much trash now. But I could see where you were going with it because you introduced it as "a rickety old chair" before you actually get to the "once". So it doesn't really give the desired affect. Also, I don't know, there wasn't much "art" in this sentence either. I say writing has an element of art in it, because you construct stories with words and sentences so that the just sing to each other, and work perfectly (in case you haven't noticed, I'm a perfectionist). This sentence didn't have that (whatever it is. There's probably a word for it, but I don't know it).

Her knitting needles collide periodically, slowly transforming a clump of blue wool thread into a blanket, a wedding gift for the soon-to-be Elisa Hackthridge.

Hmmm ... "wool thread". Not how I'd say it ... but then I suck at knitting and sewing and stuff, so I don't know the technicalities. But I had a home ec. teacher who would rip you appart if you called the thin cotton stuff "cotton", you had to call it "thread". So, I'm not sure "thread" is the word I'd be using there. Maybe just leave it as "blue wool" and not have teh thread at all.

I would envy him, but in that I would show weakness, which would...be basically suicidal, considering the torture that he can inflect.

I don't know about the dot dot dots there. A few words earlier, yes. There ... I'm not sure. But that could go either way.
*"inflect" should be "inflict" ... unless that's a word I haven't heard of, which is pretty likely.

I copy this ten times into the book, carefully, neatly, for good marks.

Haha ahaha!!! Maybe that's just me ... but I thought that was FUNNY!!! Just have someone being so obbviously neat for the sake of a few marks, I've never really known anyone did that when they wanted to get on a teachers good side but me!!!

I look up for a moment as Mother pushes her knitting onto the floor and rises to pad over to the front to welcome our caller.

I think it should be "and welcome the caller" instead of "to welcome the caller"

There's a slight shuffle of feet, and I suppose that he is bowing.

Not sure about the "and" there.

My Mother cuts him short, obviously not understanding that a large portion of the male ego is based upon power, of long, important titles. Poor fellow.

He he!!! Funny!!!

There is a cold silence.

Since it's you, I'm going to tell you to do better than this. I mean, that'd pass, and well with most people, but I don't know if that situation calls for a "to be" verb, if you know what I mean. Sometimes "to be" fits ... other times it fits, but it's not the perfect word for that particular situation. That's the case here. I think you could be a little poetic here, go on about the cold silence freezing everything in the house ... but something better thought up that that, and obviously better worded.

Two identical tears run in looping, spiraling patterns down her freckled, slightly-sunburnt cheeks.

Looping spiraling patterns isn't exactly how I'd describe tears running down a face. But it's good how you described the tears as identical, it kind of tells ther reader that this isn't a "in theory" idea, if you know what I mean. I theory, the chances tears would run perfectly idntiacally aren't all the high, but in practice it happens. It just makes things seem more real, and better thought out.

Master Verplanck, get off my goddamn case and let me have your daugher, let me live, do not torture me so...

I'd put a fullstop after "daughter" instead of a comma.

I slam the book shut and take the sharp end of the quill, lodging it as far into the leather cover as my weak arms will allow.

I don't know if "lodging" is a strong enough verb for the feelings you are trying to convey Luke (that's his name, isn't it?) is feeling.


Well, I've already said it's good, so I'll finish up by saying: Did you like my critique?

YAY!

Rock on, Elore!

Well... if you want to read the beginning, I could just PM it to you...

mazin raisin, as usual

one question: why's it called hourglass?

Well, it kinda has to do with the fact that-

*covers mouth*

AHHH! can't tell! can't tell!

This is hardly breathtaking. I don't know what the other reviewers were on when they wrote their comments, but I'm sure you're going to wish I had had it when I get done.

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As light surrenders to dark, the print in my copybook grows fainter and fainter. With each passing moment, I rely more and more heavily on the waning, faltering candle resting upon the desk in front of me.

Very vague and non-committal to the reader. If I were doing a critical analysis of this, I would say the narrator is not very concerned with what he or she is doing, which leads me to wonder if what the narrator thinks he or she is doing and percieving is actually true. This not what you want, near as I can tell.

Mother sits in a rickety old chair that had obviously been quite a fine thing, once.

This is redundant - there is no need to say it had "been" quite a fine thing "once". "Obviously" is too heavy a word for the supposed lightness of this sentence, as well. "Obviously" implies some kind of understanding on the reader's part, which I don't have.

Click. Click. Click.

Get rid of this, now.

Her knitting needles collide periodically, slowly transforming a clump of blue wool thread into a blanket, a wedding gift for the soon-to-be Elisa Hackthridge.

Bad grammar for this sentence. The two commas suggest what is in-between them is entirely parenthetical and ultimately not needed. This is not the case. Either break this up or condense it. Furthermore, this does nothing to add to the "mood" of the piece. Overall, you have established a pseudo-gothic approach to storytelling, but the lighthearted tone you take to description contradicts your aim. Change your syntax.

My father in in his bedroom, pacing in tight ovals, stopping every few strides to take a long swig of brandy.

I don't know that much about your father or why he is in his room at all. Of course, had I read the other parts leading up to this, I might know, but for now I don't. And while this is well-written, it is meaningless to me.

Jeremy is out, most assuredly in a very, very dark place with some girl in a very, very shameful state. I would envy him, but in that I would show weakness, which would...be basically suicidal, considering the torture that he can inflect.

"very, very" is redundant and doesn't add to the feel of this paragraph. Likewise, the ellipsis makes the piece read very disjointedly. The rest of this, however, attempts to flow like quill-verse. Also, grammatically, "in that" is not a substitute for "in doing so".

He who gives himself wholly unto the Lord subjects himself to a life of pleasure and power.

And?

I copy this ten times into the book, carefully, neatly, for good marks. Flexing my taut fingers, I eye the next line and begin.

I really don't care. Unless this has a significant impact later in the story, get rid of it. It doesn't tell me anything about how the narrator feels or is perceiving the world around him or her.

He who lends his soul to Satan shall forever lie writhing, tormented in the fires of Hell.

Uh-huh.

There is a rapid, thudding knock at the door. I look up for a moment as Mother pushes her knitting onto the floor and rises to pad over to the front to welcome our caller.

He's not really a "caller," is he? And if your mother is "padding" anywhere, I suggest you escape as fast as possible. Other than that, this is okay, but still very brief.

From the angle from which I am sitting, I cannot see much, so I flatten my curiosity and return to my copying.

Flattening your curiosity is an untruth. One would not automatically "flatten" their curiosity about a knock at the door in the assumed timeframe.

He who does God's will and shows compassion towards his people shall prosper forever in the Kingdom of Heaven.

So...?

I dab the pen into the ink.

Scritch, scratch, scritch.

This is too meaningless and wordy. You could say, "I continue writing" and get the same message across.

"Ma'am, I wish to speak to Matthias Irwing, if I may..."

This is confusing to me, as a non-reader of the previous works.

The man has a low, guttural voice, kind of like a fat cat purring.

Good metaphor.

"Who are you?"

My interest piqued, I drop my quill, letting it smudge a dripping 'O' in 'Kingdom'. There's a slight shuffle of feet, and I suppose that he is bowing.

The last line is fairly verbose in explanation. I would suggest shortening it and combining it with the next bit of description.

"I am Lieutenant-Colonel William Madden of the 4th regiment of Washington's-"

My Mother cuts him short, obviously not understanding that a large portion of the male ego is based upon power, of long, important titles. Poor fellow.

Her voice trembles slightly.

"Then I would expect, dear Sir, that you would be interested to hear that a Matthias Irwing does not live here."

I feel very indifferent to these lines. They did not strike me one way or the other. This causes it to be very unmemorable and unpleasant for me.

"Then do you know where I might find him?"

"No."

There is a cold silence.

"Thank you, ma'am."

The door slams shut, and Mother comes back into the room. She sinks back against the wall, closing her eyes.

Two identical tears run in looping, spiraling patterns down her freckled, slightly-sunburnt cheeks.

I'm sorry, but I didn't have an empathy for the woman. You need more character description for me to feel your characters are real. They all seem to exist, but none have any emotions, other than the standards. I need to feel your characters.

He who slays a fellow man shall feel God's wrath and damnation...

I guess this is here for dramatic effect. If it is, you need to get rid of the last lines and end here. If not, remove it.

My fists clench.

Master Verplanck, get off my goddamn case and let me have your daugher, let me live, do not torture me so...

I slam the book shut and take the sharp end of the quill, lodging it as far into the leather cover as my weak arms will allow.

Again, I feel indifferent. I do not understand why she is upset or why the mother is upset, but that's beside the point. There must be enough description and character development in these scenes for me to feel your characters and sympathize with them. I don't, and that's a problem.

Yeah, it might help to have read the entire section, but...

*kisses feet*

Uhm...well, now that I'm done grovelling...THANK YOU!

*rolls eyes* Leave it to Brad to smack down a great piece.

I loved it. I don't really understand (big surprise, Ari not understanding something...) but still. It was well-written, flowed well, fast-paced. I liked the having the lines that the character was writing tossed in periodically; it reminds me of when I'm doing homework or something and trying to eavesdrop at the same time. It adds a bit of realism.

Good job, Sambo.

Why did you have to do that Brad?

I liked it and Agree with everyone accept Brad.

Well, o'course you need that one person to criticize... Teehee. The majority, however...

YAY!

Rock on, Elore!

Well... if you want to read the beginning, I could just PM it to you...

That'd be good! I'd like to read it all.

(and it's El to my friends -- and to everyone else, actually, but I've always wanted to say that -- Eloere is just a little ... silly. Even though I made the name up, I still think it's a bit dumb really.)

Why do people disagree with Brad? Everything he commented on I would agree with. Someone gives a great critique and he gets slammed for it. Why? That's what's wrong with this site - some people seem to be afraid of writing more then "I liked it - keep writing. Woo."

Which is of course what I am going to do, just to undermine my whole point.

Haha, no, it was a bit vague and it seems like you're taking forever to actually get somewhere....I have absolutely no idea what is going on and I've read every post you've made. Is it supposed to be this confusing? There seems to be no long-term characters and it just seems to be random bits added on.

Part of my intent, yes, to be vague..but...

What parts are especially, especially vague? I'll try to fix them.

Brad's critique rocked. Yeah, it was harsh, but still...I'm just confused because like a bunch of people and then one person seemed to hate it...teehee.

Great as always Sam! I really have no critque because I am tired and aren't trying to look for anythin got critque on but it look great! it a tinsy bit confusing but that might be because their might have been something before this and I just haven't seen it...well anyway great work!

ACK! GAG!

where have you been, woman? YES! YOU MISSED SOME!

lol. Glad to have yeh back.

by my semi awake state i would say it is ok