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Young Writers Society


Teenage OutBursts Of Cliche Fun



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Fri Jun 24, 2005 9:02 pm
Emma says...



Believe in me.

A story about my friends and what happens.

The rain poured down from the gray sky. I looked out side and sighed. I had hoped it would be sunny for a change so I could go out and have fun with my friends. Life was normally like this. The sun never showed off its bright rays to burn our pale skin. I turned to my mobile, staring at its crapness. I hated it. It belonged to my dad before belonging to me. He had taken off all the games and everything, it didn't’t need it but that didn’t give him any reason to take away the funky games! I picked it up and dialed my friend’s number, it rang for quite a long time before anyone answered and by then, I was getting bored and annoyed by the length it took her to find her phone and press the button with the green phone printed on it. She answered with slight confusion. Probably because she didn’t know who was phoning her at that time. I let her ask twice before I talked to her back.
“Heya Laura.” I said, with a slight smile on my face,
She moaned a little,
“No, I can’t go out today, I have to go to that stupid horse show with the family.” She said,
I was kinda surprised by how physic she must really be, to know exactly what I was going to say. I grunted and hung up, bored stiff by the lack of so-called ‘fun’. My mum, who was in the living room, watching live big brother at the time, called my name, this normally meant she wanted me to do something. I screamed the word ‘what?’ and stomped into the living room, waiting for her to make up a list of what she wanted me to do as she sat on her ass watching two people talk about how to milk cows on the television.
“Go and be a darling and go to the shop to get me bread.” She said, a little fake sweetness in her drowsy voice,
I gave a thin smile and snatched the money away from her grotty hands, which were covered in cheese from her packet of Doritos. I stomped out the house and ran half way to the shops before loosing my breath and having to walk the rest of the way, breathless and looking like I just took an asthma attack. The shop was packed, full of people I had no idea who they were. Then, (here is the cliché everyone loves when they come upon a love story) a gorgeous looking, fifteen year old with longish brown hair and dark brown eyes brushed past me, his middle class after-shave going up my nose. I was amazed by his sexiness and wanted to follow him, but all I could hear in my mind was my mum nagging about how badly she needed her egg mayonnaise sandwiches.
I grabbed the ‘best of both’ bread and walked over to the counter, trying to look a bit sexy in front of that hunk of a guy. He didn’t even look at me once, I felt right miserable as I walked out the shop. I ran down the street again, my legs going all weak and numb by the time I had reached the halfway mark. I turned round at the shop and saw the boy/ guy (well… He ain’t a guy JUST yet) staring at me. I carried on walking, still looking at his beauty when all of a sudden, I bumped into an old lady. I turned away from him and looked at the old woman shouting her head off at me for hurting her, and how kids these days don’t have manners. I blocked her out and carried on walking, I could feel her waving her walking stick at me while she told me to come back. I ran the rest of the way home, even if my legs felt like loose jelly. I opened the door to my house, my mum shouting the words: ‘Thank god! Now I can have my sandwich!’ I rolled my eyes and put the bread on the counter, in the kitchen and went into my room.

I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. I mean, come on! What have I done wrong to deserve that? Apart from setting fire to that old woman’s bin who I bumped into… That wasn’t really much, why punish me for that?
I sat on my big swirly chair and turned on my computer. I normally only went on to chat to my friends on MSN. Its like a god to me, I would have no social life what so ever, if my dad had not allow me on this dream social pixel thingy. I could hear my mum screaming at the loaf of bread for being a little bit squashed. It wasn’t even my fault that it was like that. I was the one with my back turned! The old moody woman could of easily walked around me, but oh no, she had to make a scene. I started up my MSN and waited for it to load. I found that only some of my friends were on. So I opened up a conversation box with them and chatted.

Emma says:
Heya hows it goin?
Harley says:
Wot? Oh fine. I got new converses! So im happy
Emma says:
Wot do they lok like?
Harley says:
Like a chicken…
Emma says:
I mean the design or wot eva it is.
Harley says:
They are multicolored.

A sudden shout from my mum made me jump, then realize it was her calling me, and moaned.
“Emma!!” She shouted from her comfy sofa,
I stomped out of my bedroom and went into the living-room to see my mum pointing to the house phone, which was half a meter away from her tip of her index finger, which was pointing to the phone.
“Be a dear for me and get the phone,” she asked, her eyelids fluttering,
I looked at the phone and then turned to her again, it probably wasn’t even half a meter!! I sighed and picked up the phone and put it on the table. She smiled and I went into the room again to find two more people talking to me. I sighed and blocked the other two so I could just talk to Harley.

Emma says:
Sorry there!
Harley says:
Wot took you so long?
Emma says:
I was hungry? :l
Harley says:
I gtg, cya!

“damn it, they always go as SOON as you go on!” I said aloud,
I got off my swirly chair and went outside to hang about somewhere in the street. Even if that meant the rain would make my nice straight hair becoming a mass of frizz and curls.
I sat by the bus shelter, not too far from my house, staring at the people walking past me. Everyone was sensible enough to be wearing a hooded coat or have an umbrella, but oh no! Not me, I had to go outside with a bloomin’ t-shirt on and a pair of jeans. Both of them don’t go with rain. Then I suddenly saw that amazingly attractive fifteen year old boy walking past me with a large bottle of Irn Bru. My heart melted, (yeah another cliché, but really it did! I was warm, because his hotness made me warm. Oh my god that was lame!). He looked at me the walked off. I knew something was wrong with me, why did he keep on looking at me?! Did I have something on my nose? Was my top see-through? I quickly glanced at my top to see it was perfectly normal… Apart from being wet.
He was about to leave my sight that could have been the last time I could of ever see him again. I got up and walked out of the nice dry bus shelter, and followed him. He might never see me, I could of probably got all the way to his house if it wasn’t for the length it took to get to his flippin’ house! I wasn’t even sure he was going there. If I ever told my friends about following the hunk, they wouldn’t stop laughing until their sides brought so much pain that they would end up in hospital and some how become disabled for the rest of their lives. He turned round, I quickly pretended I was walking the other way. He turned back to his path and I carried on following him, my feet so tired I felt like cutting them off, then walk the rest of the way there on my two hands. He quickly turned around again and saw me going the same way as him. I looked up from rubbing my poor feet and saw him looking at me. I cursed and then gave a cheesy smile.
“Are you following me?” he asked curiously,
I cursed some more and gave him a smile again,
“Maybe…” I answered,
DAMN IT!! I thought into my self, what a crap comeback, what on earth, gave me that idea to say that? I gritted my teeth, knowing my feet were going to get it when I got back home.
He raised an eyebrow and started to walk again, I knew I had to do something, but what? I mean, what the hell would you do if you were caught in something like that? I started to follow him again then stopped, I clicked my fingers trying to get his attention, while still gritting my teeth,
“I mean, argh… I wasn’t really following you… I was, erm, just going the same way as you. Did anyone tell you that you look hot?” I said,
My eyes widened, just noticing what I had said. Damn, damn, damn! God had a lot of explaining to do, first it rains, then I find a cute boy, make a fool of my self, follow the poor thing and blurt out that he is hot. Was he against me?
Or was it because he knew I didn’t believe in him and just blamed him for everything that went wrong?
He turned round and frowned a little, probably it was because he felt sorry for me, then all of a sudden he laughed at me. Then he just walked off. I cursed a lot after that, blaming my self for being so stupid that I should just go into hiding for the rest of my life, and only come out to steal food from my parent’s house. I started walking home, my head down, not giving two monkeys (hee, monkeys, what a good one..) that my hair was going to look like a hairball from my cat’s mouth. I heard someone coughing and turned round to see the boy now looking at me once again.
“I think you’re hot two” He said to me,
My eyes widened so much I felt my eyeballs almost pop out their sockets. He then blushed heavily, knowing that he was also stupid to say such a thing. I gave a welcoming smile and said,
“Thanks. So now we find each other hot… interesting!”
He sighed and stared at me for some time, I wanted to say something else, the going into hiding idea was still available. This time he could join. Okay, maybe not…
“So, where you going?” He asked,
“Nowhere really, I was just walking about in the rain” I answered,
“Right, wanna go to the park?”
I could not believe he had just asked me that! Yeah, I know you hear these cliché stories all the time, but it does happen. Just think about it, a girl and a boy sitting on the swings… It’s like a romantic story. I just couldn’t believe my luck. My own cliché live, very fun.
We walked up to the park to see a gang of wannabe drug addicts and smokers sitting by the swings, smoking god knows what. I sighed knowing my own cliché story wasn’t going to happen. I swallowed, then turned to the guy.
“Now what?” I asked,
He shrugged and drank some of his Irn Bru , not even offering me some of it. How nice is that! We walked for a bit as it carried on raining, I know looked like I had just walked into a shower with my clothes on and stood in there for two minutes. I suddenly felt something vibrate in my jeans pocket, I then realized it was my phone. I answered it to hear one of my other friends speaking.
“Sorry!” I whispered to boy,
“Hey bitch, you coming out? Wait, I see you with some guy. I’m coming right over. Is he your boyfriend? Do you love him? I bet he’s cute. Damnit I can’t see from my window I’m coming down.” Said my friend,
Without managing to say a hello, how are you, goodbye I hung up and waited for my friend to come rushing down in a mini skirt and a bikini top so she could start flirting with the guy. I sighed with relief as I saw her come out of her house. She had a mini skirt on, but a least she didn’t have a bikini top on…
“hey, so who is he?” She asked,
“This is… erm…” I half answered,
“I’m Stuart” He said for me.

Okay that is the first part, because I can’t be assed to type anymore… I love you all… And so does god… Who ever he is!

Oh, and it aint a love story, well it is, but it also has other stuff in it...
  





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Fri Jun 24, 2005 9:32 pm
Harley says...



y'know, i'm copyrighted.

i can let you use it- the price is 5.7 milliiion pounds

meh, i'll settle for a cookie

it's good, escept i don't like how i'm a sarcastic happy-go-lucky freak.. :-P

i have a few crits:

just because you keep saying something is a cliche througout the story doesn't un-cliche it. it makes the reader nod in agreement and get tired of it. you need to have a story that's got something nobody else's has- something that will make them want to read on. I mean, seriously, would a guy just say "i think you're hot too" to some girl who was following him?

also, i you need to wrok on the grammar andmake the paragraphs shorter so it's easier on the eye
Last edited by Harley on Fri Jun 24, 2005 9:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Fri Jun 24, 2005 9:38 pm
Emma says...



copyrighted? :l
  





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Fri Jun 24, 2005 9:54 pm
Rei says...



There's not much going on in this. I'm a big believer in any story being good if it's told properly, but this was not told properly. It lacked dramatic tension and there didn't seem to be much of a conflict. Your sentences drag on and in many cases, you use far too many words. One that stands out is "I screamed the word 'What?" Why not use "What?" I screamed? Grammatically, it's also pretty weak, but I won't pick it apart. I'm sure someone else will, anyway. Besides, it's stuff you will learn over time the more you read, and in school.

The one I can't ignore, though, is the dialogue when you write it like this:

"I'm Rachel." She said.

It's written like it's two sentences, but it's just one. It should be:

"I'm Rachel," she said.

Even when you use ! or ? a pronoun or said/asked/shouted should not be capitalized.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
  





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Fri Jun 24, 2005 11:59 pm
hekategirl says...



I like this, alot. I reilize this isn't the best written story but for some reason I really enjoyed it. This sounds almost like a journal entry, you know? because your giving little side notes and stuff, which I liked. But the beginning (The first three sentences) were very weak and if it wasn't for the title (Which really grabed me in) I proably wouldn't have read it.

"The rain poured down from the gray sky. "

Try using a diffrent word other then 'Poured' make it seem more gloomy. And 'Gray' seems very overused for describing a cloudy sky, try looking up diffrent names for colors and find one you like.

"I looked out side and sighed."

That just makes my head hurt. For one this "Outside" is spelled wrong and 'Sighed' sounds to much like 'Outside' try wording it diffrently.

"I had hoped it would be sunny for a change so I could go out and have fun with my friends."

"so I could go out and have fun with my friends" sounded to kidish to me, it gave me a picture in my head like you were going to ply dollhouse or something, again try wording it diffrently. But I liked this but it needs to be revised and seperated into more paragraphs. But just one more thing i'd like to say:

Reichieru said: "Your sentences drag on and in many cases, you use far too many words. One that stands out is "I screamed the word 'What?" Why not use "What?" I screamed? Grammatically, it's also pretty weak, but I won't pick it apart. I'm sure someone else will, anyway. Besides, it's stuff you will learn over time the more you read, and in school."

I like the sentence "I screamed the word 'What?'" insted of "'What' I screamed" because its diffrent. I'm just crazy like that :P
***Honorary 11-Year-Old***

Heh-COT-ee-GUR-el

Got YWS?
  





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Sat Jun 25, 2005 3:26 am
Sam says...



'I was warm, because his hotness made me warm.'

ROLFLMAOTIDTILSM!

I liked this, honestly. Sounds like me and my friends....fun-ness, oh yes.
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

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Sat Jun 25, 2005 3:54 am
Shadow Knight says...



Am I one of those people you blocked?
Anyway, it's not bad, it could be told better, and don't ask me how because I can't come up with anything creative.
Cause i'm a one man,
I'm a one man,
I'm a one man,
I'm a one man revolution.
  





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Sat Jun 25, 2005 9:52 am
Lollipop says...



OOH! Is that the guy that you fancy? The one that was in the band at school? I bet it is! hehe

Anyway, I liked his because I can relate to it. This is real life and I know that it could happen cause I know what your like Emma, you little stalker! lol Yeah! Im in it! I liked it a lot!
Way hay!!!!
  





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Fri Jul 29, 2005 1:26 pm
Emma says...



Shadow Knight wrote:Am I one of those people you blocked?
Anyway, it's not bad, it could be told better, and don't ask me how because I can't come up with anything creative.


>.>
<.<

No comment...

And yeah, I havent wrote alot, so Im a bit rusty :P
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2005 12:11 pm
Elizabeth says...



ROTFLMAOTIDTILSM
this is freaken hilarious
and cliche....
and teenagerish...
and so you..

CHICKENS!!!
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2005 5:35 pm
Rei says...



Yeah, but Hekate, there's also the rule of saying as much as you can in as few words as possible. In other words, be concise.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
  








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