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Young Writers Society


DEMONIQUE



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Tue Jul 05, 2005 9:03 pm
Zion says...



Hey all, thanks for waisting a click on your mouse and check this out. Its my first real horror story, so be gentle its my baby. Heck, I have a better idea, TARE IT APART! :twisted: :twisted:
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Chapter I

“You live, my child, my creation…” the pale old man carassed the face of the grotesque creature. His scaled hide was covered in blood, from his nostrils came out a yellowish smoke, sulfur. Its blood red eyes were fixed upon his master.
“You are more wonderful then it was promised…” he took the creature palm in his hand. Six twelve inch spikes made from something that looked like rsted metal streaked out the naked flesh of the creature. It opened its mouth and revealed a huge maw criss crossed with teeth that looked like swords “Do you see that man over there?” he pointed with his bony hand towards a screaming man in chains.
“No! You fool! You will burn in hell because of this!” he shouted with his blood covered face. His blood stained rags were falling apart revealing a naked body covered with runes and letters craved deep in his tissue. Maggots were crawling on his chest, devouring the rotten flesh. The hooded man smiled.
“Hell holds no surprises for me young men. I will enjoey in the fires of hell, ou will cry for mercy when I will see your flesh burning with infernal fires.” His laughter boomed in the large dark cave.
It was almost pitch black around, if it wasn’t for the few torches scattered across the cave, a large bubbling cauldron in the center of the cave and a small desk covered in texts and books.
The old man leaned and wisered on the spike-like ear of the creature.
“We must not fail like the last time my child, do what you must do.” The creature turned its inhuman head towards it target and lurched forward in a berserking state. It howled almost in a child-like scream but the same second let out a demonic shout.
“NO! DEAR GOD SAVE ME!” The man screamed as the creature rose his fightening claw and shoved it in his pelvis. Blood exploded in its face and streaked on the man’s face. The creature tore the meat from the pelvis, and almost immediately a stench of urine and rotten meat flared the nostrils of the old man. The runes and letters on the dead man’s body started to glow with a crimson haze as he slowly died. The creature splashed the meat inside the cauldron and tore the left hand of the man. He dumped the rest of the body inside the cauldron.
The old man curved his lips in a smile as he watched the red haze glowing brighter and heard screams of children, women and men coming from inside the cauldron.
“We have succeded my child…” he said calmly ”The entire lineage of this man will remain locked in hell till the end of days…” he rose his head and watched the creature gnawing on the hand, liquid sulfure dripping from its mouth, hissing like a madned dog.
A rune covered hand rose from the cauldron and lurched towards the old man’s neck. He doged the hand with almost in human speed, un natural not only for his age, but capabilities of the human body. He grabbed the hand and pulled out the same man the creature dumed inisde. He coughed out blood and guts. He bearly rose himself up, without pelvis, only the demonic magic could keep him on his feet. His body was partially melted from all kinds of different toxins and trashed with his hand letting out demonic cries. Still, the runes remained intact and kept their crimson glow.
“You are my servant now, bow to your master…” the old man streched out his hand and a fire ball materialised in his ring embedded hand. A few streakes came out from the fireball and insfused with the glowing runes empowirng their glow. The man fell on his knees and then on the gorund screaming in pain. His reminaing blood was tunred into hellish fire infused with acid driving him mad, drenching out the very last bit of human self inside.
“It is done…”the old man said and looked at his pet again. It scowled and hid itself in the shadows.

FIVE MONTHS LATER

“Michael look, either I have my payment today or I’ll quit.” The young brash man shouted at the face of his old boss who ddint seem to care one bit. Just let himself in the balck leather chair and rose his feet on the desk. The summer sun pierced through the lace curtians and rose the tension.
“Raf, you’ve been working for this company for well over ten years now and…”
A young woman rushed inside the office. Her shoulder length black hair was tied back exposing the delicate features on her face.
“Sir we’ve found the missing body.” She gave a coffee stained file on the elder man. He shifted her gaze and looked at the young man. “Rafael, I could her you trashing and moaning last night. Did you brought your mother-in-law again?” she smiled.
“Acctually it was my ex if you need to know…” the brash man passed his hand amidst his dark combed back hair that almost averted like a cow lick.
The old man sighed while looking through photos and reading documents.
“Whats the matter?” the woman turned again towards him.
“I cant belive it…”he shook his head “People its 1953 who still dabbles in this voodoo crap!” he pushed the file away and a few of the pictures fell on the ground. It was a man washed on a shore, his body covered in runes, disfigured, with an expression of agony. He bearly even looked human. One of his arms was missing and his pelvis was bearly keeping his legs intact with the torso.
Without sensibility no object would be given to us, without understanding no object would be thought. Thoughts without content are empty, intuitions without concepts are blind.

Immanuel Kant
"Critique of Pure Reason"
  





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Tue Jul 05, 2005 9:16 pm
Rei says...



Sorry. That first line really turned me off. Whether you are or not, an opening line like that makes it sound like you're just copying Frankenstein.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
  





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Tue Jul 05, 2005 9:22 pm
Crysi says...



Well.... This was interesting. I agree with Rei on the first line. Dare I call it cliche? ;)

The last part was too confusing for me. I think you have an idea here, but you need to rewrite it so it's a bit clearer.
Love and Light
  








Percy fell face-first into his pizza.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena