Young Writers Society

Sometimes you have to scream jut to hear your own thoughts, lifted up in a storm of voices. Scream so that God and the whole world can hear you when you don’t know how to listen to yourself. And if your tears overwhelm you and you forget your voice, think to me and I will find you.

I’m wailing in the darkness for you, I can hear my own cries though I cannot hear you. Your resonating footsteps through these cold chambers would lift my heart and my eyes, sky blue and frozen cold. But you aren’t coming for me this time, are you?

Did you move on, can’t you feel my desperation? Do you sense it or are you too numb to feel anything anymore. To touch your skin is to touch the water in the arctic, you are so cold, so cold.

I’ll hold you close anyway, even though it tortures me, because I love you. I’ll hold you and I’ll warm you and everything will just be all right, okay? It’ll just fucking be all right, and that’s all that matters. Mystical darkness surrounds our quiet fortress. My own personal dungeon. A haven and a prison but I love you so it doesn’t matter just hold me. Hold me until your coldness freezes my heart over and I learn how to be cold like you, so cold that it hurts.

Sometimes I think that you have no heart. But then, how could you know how to love me so without a heart? I can make you cry out, I can make you need me, and long for me, and love me so that in the ethereal silence broken only by our pleasured cries, we are warm. Warm, for once.

I should have known though. I should have known that with you it would be hell frozen over but I didn’t care then I loved you and I still do. And I saw all of the warning signs but god I didn’t care I just wanted you, and you wanted me too. But when you’re here you aren’t with me, you’re somewhere else in the vast reaches of your mind, thinking of the past and brooding. Brooding. lord I stopped doing that when I was five.

If I tied you up and locked you in the basement, would you call for me the way I call for you? And, if while still tied there, I stripped and you needed me, and you ached for me the way I ache for you, could you know how to love me like you used to?

You could beg me not to deny you and I might listen, but then again I might not. Maybe I would make you suffer, and you could fucking jack off in the darkness for all I fucking care. Play with yourself and forget about me.

But you can’t and I can’t, and I will never tie you up in the basement and god knows I’ll never deny you because I love you and even when I’m ready to stop we can keep going because it pleasures you, and I want to in any way I can. It hurts so bad sometimes, you’re so strong...you should try to be more careful with me but I know that in our solitude you forget...you forget that it hurts me. You used to know how to kiss me just so, so that the kiss alone could give me an orgasm. And you could love me so gently that...god it didn’t hurt at all. You can’t do that anymore.

You have to be so aggressive. You are an aggressive guy, I get that, but...I don’t know, what am I trying to say? I don't know, that's what I'm saying. I just don't know anymore.

I thought this was okayish, but I didn’t really know where it was going. For example I think this kind of had a mix of being a story, poem and a song which got too confusing at points. What is it? A story, poem or song? I know you’ve posted it in the story section but it does have all three elements.

There is no description in this story, I couldn’t picture anything except the basement and that’s really because I picture all basements the same – dark with light where the door is. I have no idea what the characters look like, how old they are so it was really hard to get into this.

As well as description where is the storyline? I couldn’t find one it jumped about from being sad to tying someone up in the basement which really confused me. If you could find a storyline I think it would be a fantastic story, has this guy hurt the girl in some way? If so how, what did he do? This would be interesting, especially since with the storyline you could expand and make a real connection with the audience and this girl. That’s another thing – without a description of characters, setting and a storyline there is no connection. I felt nothing inside, just emptiness really – this wasn’t a story that made me want to read on (sorry!) If it was for sale in a bookshelf I would have put it back and moved on (again, sorry!)

This story does have potential – if you could make up your mind with what you want to do with. It’s back to three writing elements again do you want to be a story, poem or song? I think it would be great as a story but I have no idea about the other two as I don’t have anything to do with them really. Anyway you need to add description and a storyline – without either of these you don’t really have a story.

Anyway I think this does have potential, and when you know what to do with it etc I would be happy to read it.

I found this hard to read - it seemed like you started the story smooth but as you got deeper into it, it became more rough. I find it hard when a story really doesn't have any consistency.

While using hard language in a story can sometimes add to the element, it can also become bothersome if put in the wrong place. Take this for an example:

I’ll hold you close anyway, even though it tortures me, because I love you. I’ll hold you and I’ll warm you and everything will just be all right, okay? It’ll just fucking be all right, and that’s all that matters. Mystical darkness surrounds our quiet fortress. My own personal dungeon. A haven and a prison but I love you so it doesn’t matter just hold me. Hold me until your coldness freezes my heart over and I learn how to be cold like you, so cold that it hurts.

I found this a bit inconsistent in the choice of words. (This might sound weird) It was like you were driving on this smooth road and then all of a sudden you hit a pot hole, out of nowhere your over thrown.

I dunno...it needs work but over all I think you have a good idea.

hah. Thanks. I was just musing. you know, when you just sit down and type whatever the hell comes out. Yeah...the cuss word may have been out of place. Thanks you two.

I don't know if I understood it well.

The beginning was bit confusing to me the first time I read it. The more I scrolled down reading it became more clearly to me. I read a few parts over and over.. and I do like it... There were emotions..I guess. It written in a way I thought it's a letter to someone with clues to a problem.

Well musing!.. lol

Mhm...yup. Misty's whacked.

I tell yeh, the cussing worked. I don't know why it did for me but not for anyone else...*shrugs*. I'd keep it.