Young Writers Society

...something new being writing about ships.


A tall, thin man walked along the deck, the sound of his feet against the wood perhaps the only audible noise besides the light movement on the sails in the wind. He had left his station at the poop deck to engage in an investigative stroll along the length of the ship; since the boredom of the watch had set in, he had felt a need for his mind to focus on something. Despite the nighttime darkness, there was a glow through the moonlit sky that illuminated the waves as they moved slowly by, and, for a while, the man stood there entranced by them as if it were the first time he had seen the sea.

He had paused somewhere adjacent to the mainmast, and with a quick glance to the mammoth oak structure standing upright to his right, he carried on his leisured walk, leaving the end of the quarterdeck and proceeding onto the slightly lower main deck. It was eerily silent, as it always was, and sometimes he believed it was if time itself had froze, and it would take all his mental capacity to comprehend they were actually making headway when no sound could be heard and no motion could be observed.

Luckily, the delusion was broken by a loud groaning emitted from the ship, as if was retorting to the man’s conviction that it was doing no work. A wry smile formed on the man’s face, and he rearranged his slightly lopsided bicorne to a straighter disposition. He passed a few crew and nodded in recognition, before reaching the forecastle, the bow of the ship, and he stood almost where the two sides joined, and the bowsprit protruded forwards, like a signalling desire of the ship to power ever onward. The man overlooked the figurehead, which hung below the prow, the spiritual embodiment of the great beast of the sea they called a ship. There hung a vicious snake, slithering and vicious, its sharp teeth and tongue looking fearfully alive – an apt figure for a ship that had been launched as The Serpent’s Breath.

“She always manages to squirm our way out of the tightest spots…” he muttered quietly to himself, voicing the ship’s notorious reputation for evading entrapment by enemy fleets, causing some to call her a blessed ship. The man, though, knew it was her speed and well-oiled crew that kept it alive, and was also why it was used extensively as a scouting frigate.

I didn’t really understand this but I know nothing about ships and you were using quite a few of the technical terms, which is good but for people who don’t know what they mean it’s hard to understand.

You describe the ship well but you don’t describe anything else – what does the man look like, what is he wearing – that sort of thing. You can get a bigger connection with audience if they can picture and understand what’s going on. I also didn’t find a storyline in this, it was just a description about a ship unless that what’s it’s supposed to be. Sorry if it is .

I didn’t understand the thing about the snake straight away; I had to re-read things to make sense of them. Like the snake bit, I’m still not sure if the snake is really there of it was just an expression.

The Serpent's Breath...ah, that's class. My ship's names all end up sounding very, very stupid.

My thing: Why does it seem that's he's the only one on deck? I mean, honestly, you Jack, of all people should know that it takes more than one person to stand a watch. HONESTLY, BOY. It would probably (I'm guessing) also be very loud, not quiet and eerily still. And someone would yell at him to get to work.

Oooh...bicorne...this is going to be nice. Very nice. Especially if there's muskets in it.

Nice, I could read it without getting bored and wanting to read something else. Nice work.

I wish I could help you more, but I can't because I ain't good at that stort of stuff.

Is there more to this?!

Emma - go here forum/viewtopic.php?t=3858 for an updated version.