Young Writers Society

Hey all. I posted this a while ago but I'm posting it again, for good reason. Theres this writing competition run by a local university that I'm entering soon in which I need to submit 4 short, fictional pieces by September. So anyway, people seem to like this one when i show it to them and I'm rather fond of it too, so I'm gonna submit it. What I want to know is:
-Obviously, do you think this is a good piece?
-Should I extend it?
-Would it be to the liking of a panel of expert judges?

Thanks for any feedback you can give me. Enjoy.

A Dream

The sky was rising and falling, threatening in way, like the actions of your lungs breathing in the mist. We were lying under it in a field of transparent flowers; wilting and weakening like my hopes to find a better place. The trees on the edge of my sight were swaying but there was no wind. Perhaps they felt the need to leave too. You stood up and beckoned for me to do the same, so I did. I placed my hand in yours. You whispered to me, and I heard you clearly above the restlessness of the sky. "This is the end," you said, and I knew exactly what you meant.

Hand in hand we ran from the field and through the town we knew as home. It was deserted but for a few birds that had chosen this as their ending. Running never felt so light on my feet and you seemed like you were floating, though the ground still supported you. The bloodshot eyes of the city were no longer stopping traffic, because the traffic had stopped long before it reached that line. We ran down alley after alley searching for a way to get higher. Then as if by some power of the imagination, we found one. We ascended to the top of a building so we could see all that was left behind, and to be the first volunteers when the sky made its choice.

At the apex of desolation that we had chosen we stared into each other’s eyes, shimmering, like pools of starlight being hit by tiny rock after tiny rock. This was our existence, waxing and waning with my belief in the moon. By now the sun had gone down beyond the ominous hills that formed the horizon, without a goodbye. The sky was still rising and falling, writhing with indecision over whether or not anyone would notice its suicide. It was close to a resolution though. So close I picked a star from it and gave it to you. You accepted it and threw it off the side of the building; just for the joy of knowing you outlived part of the sky.

We had not long left now and we both knew it. We kissed in the last remaining moments of our world and though your lips tasted like ashes, it had never been so good. We didn’t care anymore, there was nothing left to lose. My last words to you were, "If this is a dream, then it is a good dream." You pushed your hair out of your face and said to me, "This is a dream," and with that we drifted off into indifference. The sky collided with the earth and I remember nothing more.

It's nice. Certainly very well written, and the tone is just right. But all in all, it seemed kind of pointless. Expanding might remedy that. Can't say whether or not it's something the judges will like because I don't know what they are looking for. Still, I say send it in because you've got nothing to lose, and won't gain anything if you don't.

Ooh, I like it a lot. I agree with Reichieru, it is indeed very well written. I don't think it should be expanded though. I think judges would certainly be impressed by it, whether or not it was what they were looking for. I think you should go for it!

Wow, I loved it. I don't think you need to expand it. The language is perfect, it seems urgent but also precise and almost dreamy. Crystaline. I'm not making much sense but just know that I loved it and I think the judges will too unless they are very stupid. Good luck!

Yeah, I'm quite confused by the message being put forth here.
All in all its a pretty cool little thing, and at points I was extremely happy to see things like:
"We were lying under it in a field of transparent flowers; wilting and weakening like my hopes to find a better place. The trees on the edge of my sight were swaying but there was no wind. Perhaps they felt the need to leave too."
But then there were grammar slips and I was quite drawn out of the story.

First of all I'm impressed that a 15 year old is entering university level competition, so props to that. But I'm not sure how judges would take this. It's a dream of the end of the world, aye, but what does it MEAN?
I cant see extension helping, it would likely only confuse.
My only suggestion, is send some pieces that are longer, and more interesting along with it.

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Rincewind: The other pieces I'm entering are longer, and more interesting too, i guess. I forgot to mention that its not a competition for university students, its run by the university for students in year 10 at highschool.

Anyone else?

Ohh haha.
In that case your a shoo-in;)

Good luck Inertia!