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Young Writers Society


People say there is too much dialogue. Is there?



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Wed Aug 03, 2005 2:58 pm
u-dot says...



Chapter One:

“Hi,” A girl said as I stepped into the Durango. “How are you feeling?”
“Ok I guess,” I answered confused.
“That’s my sister Shay,” Rachel said, pointing to the girl who had asked me how I was. “She’s helping us with the wedding today.”
“Oh,” I said.
The car started moving, lugging the huge white wedding trailer behind it. My eyes strayed to the side window and I lost myself in thought as the black pavement whipped by.
Rachel, who was driving, was soon engaged in conversation with her sister and I wasn’t really paying attention. Tonight would be a long night.
“Don’t you think so Bryce?” Rachel asked.
I racked my subconscious, trying to remember what the question had been in the first place. Finally it came to me.
“I haven’t really had much experience with cowboys. I wouldn’t know.”
The answer seemed to satisfy the two for the time being although every once in a while they would ask my input on this or that. Finally we reached the rental place where we would be picking up a few tablecloths and things.
“Crap.” Rachel said as she stopped the car.
“What is it?” Shay and I asked in unison.
“I forgot the key to the trailer.”
We all sat there silent for a moment, wondering what to do. Then a thought struck Rachel.
“I’ll call and see where Rob is.”
She pulled out her cell phone and brought up the speed-dial menu. She scrolled down to the number marked ‘Rob’s cell’ and pressed enter.
Shay and I stayed in the car. I took the opportunity to study this ‘Shay’ as she, apparently, was putting on makeup.
I couldn’t tell for sure but she seemed to be pretty tall, probably about 5’11” and her shoes were black Etnies. Probably right out of high school or college, I thought. Her blonde hair with black streaks was tied in a ponytail that reached to the bottom of her neck and dark green eyes were accentuated by deep black mascara. She wore no lipstick but I could tell it would only be a matter of time.
I tried to remember what had been said earlier. The only things I could remember was something about Shay marrying a cowboy and living on a farm. But she’s not a cowgirl, I thought. She’s reconsidering.
“Are you finished?” Shay asked as she threw her lipstick back in her purse and zipped it up. She then turned to face me.
“Quite.” I said.
“You don’t trust me?” She pretended to pout.
“Why should I?”
“I knew the codeword, I knew the protocol, and it makes sense that I am the one from my background.”
“Fine,” I said and handed over the quarter that was in my pocket.
Of course it wasn’t a real quarter but to anyone outside UCIA it would seem like one. Shay fondled it for a few seconds before putting it in her pocket.
“Mission Complete,” she said.
“Ya,” I countered, “for you it is.”
Shay knew not to ask questions. One agent’s mission should never be revealed unless it went wrong or changed dramatically. Fortunately Shay and I were able to avoid awkward silence because Rachel opened the car door.
“So,” Shay said, as if nothing had happened during Rachel’s call. “Is he close?”
“He says he can be here in five minutes.”
“At least we can put the table clothes in the trunk while we’re waiting,” I offered.
Rachel checked to make sure the guy had given us the right amount of linens before she told us to pack them up. The only thing left was to wait for Rob to get here so we could load the banquet table.
“Did you see than?” Shay asked when we were alone.
“The Mexican?” I asked.
“You are very observant for a 15 year old.”
“I try.”
She didn’t think I was very funny. Especially considering what we had both just seen.
“I’m going in for a second pass,” I said.
Shay nodded and said she would wait at the car. I could tell she was impatient.
Yep, I confirmed to myself. That is, without a doubt, the Katzko.
I walked back to the car and nodded. Shay put a hand to her head and steadied herself on the car.
“What should we do?” she asked.
“You’re asking me? You’re the superior officer by ten years.”
“Well we can’t just shoot him.”
I agreed and tried to form a plan in my mind but Shay beat me to the punch.
“We could bug him. Find out what his name is and all that. Then we can send a squad to take care of him.”
“Its good,” I complemented, “but he could be gone by tomorrow. I have a better idea.”
Rob finally got here and I helped him load the table. He then left with the Mexican that had been helping us to try and find a fountain that we apparently needed.
“Rachel,” I said, approaching slowly. “Do you recognize that man?”
She looked at me suspiciously and I quickly blurted out my cover story.
“I was just wondering if he always works here.”
“Why,” she asked, unconvinced.
“I just was wondering if he is your normal guy because it seems like he had everything ready for you.” I had decided to play the naïve teenager.
“Whoever is in charge always has everything ready but yes, Marcos is usually the one who is here.”
Satisfied, I walked over to the left side of the Durango and hopped in. Shay was already sitting in it, but this time she was in the seat next to me instead of riding passenger. I assumed that Rob would be coming with us.
“We’re good. Rachel says he’s been there a while. He has no reason to leave now.”
“Good,” Shay said, wiping off her sweaty brow with a handkerchief.
“I’ll have someone from my district cover it.”
Shay didn’t answer.
After what seemed like ages, Rob and Rachel finally got into the car and we drove away from the rental. About halfway to American Fork, Utah, the mood lightened.
Rachel’s rule in the car was if you wanted to keep the song on the radio then you had to sing it. Otherwise she changed the station. I didn’t know the first few songs and Shay was still shaken from our close encounter with a Katzko armsmen but she finally got into the spirit and soon she forgot all about it. Well, at least her conscious mind did.
The radio flashed to one of my ultimate songs of all time and, even though I hadn’t planned on it, I burst out singing at the top of my lungs. Everybody looked at me and I shamefully stopped singing. After that I didn’t raise my voice over a normal conversational one.
On the way to the wedding we passed the Bountiful, Utah Temple and I was stunned. This was the first time I had ever seen the Temple in real life and I was taken aback by its majesty. Not many people admired the beauty of the Mormon Temples, but I was one of those few non-Mormons who did. The wedding site came into view a good half a mile later and we turned into it.
The American Fork Amphitheatre was the ideal place to have a secluded wedding that wasn’t at a house. A path rose up a slight hill into a clearing about the size of a football field, completely surrounding by trees of all sorts.
There were three levels to it. The main level, where the pathway led, was the perfect place to set up our eight round dining tables and our banquet table. The gift area and the sign-in table were rickety were Rachel wanted them but they would have to do.
It only took us about an hour to set up the wedding and we were all climbing in the car when I claimed that I had left something in the trailer. Rob tossed me the keys and I quickly opened it, not wanting to waste any time.
I pulled out a backlight and began scanning the small trailer but it didn’t take long to find what I was looking for. Blood traces were all over the floor as if someone had been dragged in. Or out, I thought.
I quickly pulled out a lint roller out of my backpack and began sweeping the floor where the blood was mostly concentrated. I slipped it in a plastic Ziploc and tossed it into my backpack just when Rob peeked around the corner.
“Did you find it?” he asked inquisitively.
“No. Its okay though, it was only my lighter.”
I released a breath when Rob bought my fake story and we both closed the trailer together. On the trip home I did not sing. Now I knew a truth about my neighbors that changed my outlook on them forever. You could be sure I wouldn’t be helping with any more weddings unless I was required to.
  





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Wed Aug 03, 2005 4:09 pm
Rei says...



I wouldn't say there's too much dialogue. But rather, there is not enough narrative details. You know, like visual descriptions, physical action, and the like. My comments on your other work apply here as well.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
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I can't understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones.
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