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Wed Aug 03, 2005 10:41 pm
lin night says...



Jack and Tom went to Sandra’s house at midnight and kidnapped her. Luckily, her parents were out of town and luckily, she was sleeping. They tied her up with rope and tossed her into the backseat of Tom’s car. Jack stuck a piece of duct tape on her mouth just for the hell of it. They started driving.
Jack said, “In case you’re wondering, we’re not going to rape you.”
Sandra struggled against the tape. It sounded like she was saying “Fuck you.”
Jack said, “Fuck me? Well fuck you, you fucking bitch. I just said we weren’t going to rape you. You should be grateful. Fuck.”
Tom laughed loudly and turned left onto a dirt road. Tall trees surrounded them. Tears gradually appeared in Sandra’s eyes. She was still in her jammies.
Jack said, “Look Tom, she’s crying. On second thought, don’t look. You’re driving. Sandra, Sandra, don’t cry. Sorry I swore at you. We’re not going to rape you or kill you, trust me. Not that I wouldn’t mind having a go with you, but I assure you that is not the point of this excursion. I’m Jack Thomas, by the way. You probably don’t recognize me. I was in Miss Fosse’s class with you freshman year? No? Oh well. This is Tom Barker, my best friend and partner in crime. He’s going to be a junior and I don’t know if you caught this but my last name is his first name!”
Tom parked the car in a dark clearing. He undid his seatbelt and turned to face Sandra. “Pleasure to meet you. I’ve masturbated over your yearbook picture five or six times.”
Jack snorted. “He’s kidding. Now that we’re here, we might as well get started. Hell, that was quicker than I thought. Let me get that tape off your mouth. Sorry about that. You see, I love gangster movies and in the classics putting duct tape over a guy or girl’s mouth to keep them quiet is a staple. You know what that means? Staple? It’s like a cliché. But yeah, don’t take offense or anything. Like I don’t think you have a big mouth. I’ve barely heard you speak, in fact.”
The tape tore at the skin around her mouth but when it was off, Sandra felt as if a huge burden had been lifted from her. Unfortunately, she was still tied up with no hope of escape. The first words she uttered in her fragile state were, predictably: “What the fuck do you want with me? I don’t even know you guys. Why are you doing this?”
“I’ll be frank. We’re doing this because you had an abortion last week which your boyfriend’s parents paid for but your own parents don’t even know about. We think what you did was wrong and we think you should have to pay for your sins. Killing a baby, whether or not it is fully developed, is a terrible, terrible thing – a fucking sacrilege. You deserve to burn in the fiery pits of hell for pulling that shit. You deserve to be impaled by fucking devils. Unfortunately, we can’t do anything so drastic. In fact we can’t do much of anything at all, at least in comparison to that beautiful glory.”
“What? What the fuck?”
“In a nutshell for the princess: you were irresponsible. You made a decision that resulted in the death of what could have been the brightest child in seven cities.”
“Is this a fucking sick joke? I couldn’t take care of the baby. It’d have a shitty life. I’m only a senior in high school for Christ’s sake. What was I supposed to do?”
“Don’t make fucking excuses. This is neither the time nor the place for that adolescent bullshit. You know full well there were options. You come from a well-to-do family with parents who give you two hundred dollars a week to spend on clothes and other quote unquote necessities. If you couldn’t take care of the baby, they could easily have slashed your allowance to compensate.”
“Yeah, slut.”
“I’m not a slut. It was a fucked-up situation. I was stressed out. I didn’t know what to do.”
“You don’t need to lie around us. We’ve done our research, and the research – mostly regarding your frequent sexual activity – shows you have absolutely no excuse for what you did.”
“You know how many girls in high school get abortions? It’s not fucking uncommon.”
“We’ll get them too. You’re just the first of a long list, five of which we hope to finish tonight and the rest throughout the week. We’re going to get every one of you pro-abortion whores.”
“What are you going to do with me?”
“You know I’ve never had a girlfriend in my life? Kind of sad, isn’t it? But more people than you’d think are in the same boat as me. There are probably hundreds in our school alone. Loveless and unloved. Computer geeks and Mama’s boys, I bet most of them are. They drift along, traveling from pornographic website to pornographic website, searching for something they simply cannot get in real life. I’m sure eventually I’ll get fat and find a fat girl to settle down with for the kids and marriage deal, but as a teenager with raging hormones it kind of sucks.”
“I did have an online girlfriend in seventh grade, if that counts.”
“That doesn’t count. You didn’t even get to see what she looked like. For all you know, she could have been an ugly bitch.”
“We had a connection, alright? We didn’t need pictures. Teenagers these days are so shallow. Looks, looks, looks. That’s all they care about. No one ever thinks long enough to look at personality and the other smaller things that make up a person.”
“Sandra, you put Kurt through a lot of shit. You have to admit that. Don’t you feel at least a little guilty fucking his friends? Hell, it might not even have been his baby and he paid for its abortion. How is it that you can go on doing these horrible things without once thinking what their impact might be? If you’re horny, you should beg Kurt for sex or masturbate or just break up with the kid. You shouldn’t advertise yourself to his friends, the people he trusts the most. I don’t want to sound like a fucking parent, but what you did was plain stupid.”
“It’s understandable if you don’t want to listen to your Health teacher and choose abstinence. 75% of students probably don’t. But you have to be a little fucking smart about the decisions you make.”
There was a silence.
“Hey, Sandra. You look bored. Want to blow me?”
“You’re fucking sick. No.”
“I don’t think you have much of a choice. Here, come on. It’s pretty big, isn’t it? Touch it. Don’t be shy.”

Jack and Tom raped and murdered Sandra. They buried her in a forest forty minutes away from her home and holed up in a nearby shack for 48 hours. On the fourth day, both committed suicide. Their bodies along with Sandra's were quickly recovered.
Last edited by lin night on Fri Sep 02, 2005 11:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Thu Aug 04, 2005 4:51 pm
sabradan says...



well, now that was um, quite lovely now wasn't it?

But stylistically its pretty good.
"He who takes a life...it is as if he has destroyed an entire world....but he who saves one life, it is as if he has saved the world entire" Talmud Sanhedrin 4:5

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Thu Aug 04, 2005 6:11 pm
Emma says...



Erm...

Well....

A different type of story, but well written... Erm.. Nice work...
  





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Thu Aug 04, 2005 6:41 pm
Firestarter says...



There's not enough tension or build up, or even emotion in this story. Swearing and witty lines only gets you so far - to be honest all this story did to me was make me mildly interested; I didn't care about the characters or what happened to them, and this is sorely lacking.

Good plot but not so good execution.
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Thu Aug 04, 2005 7:31 pm
lin night says...



I figure I should explain myself (briefly)...

Like many things these days, this piece centers around the corruption and hypocrisy of modern youth. Every one of these characters is despicable and intentionally so. I wanted Sandra's dialogue to be short, cliche, and ignorant--reminiscent of stereotyped teenage girls seen in movies and television. Jack and Tom were to come off as two pseudo-intellectual, closet homosexual losers who would rather talk someone to death than kill them. The initial ending had Jack and Tom let Sandra go without hurting her. But the idea of them raping and murdering her was so horrible I just had to do it. As for the swearing, I thought it was rather moderate.

I guess this was a failure, but I'll keep churning them out. Better luck next time.
  





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Thu Aug 04, 2005 7:54 pm
Jennafina says...



hmmm. I was rather hopeing for Saundra's dareing escape, so the end seames like a let down, but thats just me.
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Thu Aug 04, 2005 10:44 pm
lin night says...



jennafina wrote:hmmm. I was rather hopeing for Saundra's dareing escape, so the end seames like a let down, but thats just me.


I wasn't going to rewrite but this comment makes me want to. Good thinking.
  





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Thu Aug 04, 2005 11:13 pm
Firestarter says...



I wasn't saying the swearing was excessie, I just said it was a bad way of expressing anger instead of other forms, such as description.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  





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Thu Aug 04, 2005 11:31 pm
lin night says...



Firestarter wrote:I wasn't saying the swearing was excessie, I just said it was a bad way of expressing anger instead of other forms, such as description.


Oh.
  





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Wed Aug 31, 2005 9:41 am
hawk says...



written well, good speech, but it seems like you're siding with the guy's point here, and it stuffs it up. I don't think you needed to be so gruesome in the last bit, stories can be foul and mean just as much without saying all you did. i liked it, but things like this can easy seem like you're preaching, you didn't in this one because the characters wern't likable, but just be aware.
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