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Young Writers Society


Cravokyo



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323 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 323
Fri Aug 12, 2005 12:22 am
hekategirl says...



Prologue

This story starts in a time of no time and a place of nowhere, where the whole race of people are blobs of nothing and you can tell them to do whatever you want, they were cups on their hands for protection and always smile.

They have no different sexes they are just one nothing.

These are Grays.

Their is also a great one who's name they do not speak, he is not a thoughtless blob but Alive like people in our world and time. He can transmit this Life to anyone he chooses, so he did.

He gave 10 Grays Life and made them the rulers of this timeless nowhere, these are Highers: Higher Bishop, Higher Keen, Higher Yan, Higher Jerome, Higher Seth, Higher Stone, Higher

Diction, Higher Weet, Higher Den and Higher Cath.
They are all male.

They ruled this nothing almost effortlessly, they told what the Grays to do and they did them; Some Grays they just told to sleep and stay out of trouble, some they told to work, some they told to play games, and so on and so on.

But they weren't cruel, they made sure the Grays had some kind of shelter and some kind of food, the food they called Screep, its basicly whatever the Highers don't want, vacuum packed and artificially colored and flavored.

The houses were small and cramped and only had one window, one bed, and a few cupboreds that the Highers filled with things to keep the Grays amused but unless they told them to fool with the things the Grays just stood in the middle of their houses with cloudy eyes.

So they went on and on like that for timeless years and countless days.
Until one day a Gray got Life.

(I have alot more written but wanted to know what you guys thought of it before I posted it, this is also my worst part, I would like some help!)
Last edited by hekategirl on Sat Aug 13, 2005 2:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
***Honorary 11-Year-Old***

Heh-COT-ee-GUR-el

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Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:30 am
Sam says...



This is uber-spiffy. :D

'They have no different sexes they are just one nothing. '

That's a bit clunky. And the word 'sexes' makes people just go 'Woah, okay, I missed something, if there's sex in the first two sentences of the book'. Maybe, 'There's no diversity, just one nothing.' The 'they' and 'one nothing' clash and also make us go 'Huh?'

' its basicly whatever the Highers don't want, vacuum packed and artificially colored and flavored. '

Sounds like a Capri Sun bottle. Try: 'It was basically whatever the Highers didn't want, vacuum packed and artificially colored.' I thought the grays were blobs, so how could they taste? (that's also a bit confusing too, might wanna work that one out.)

Those are the only things I caught. Yummy yummy in Sam's tummy!
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





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323 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 323
Fri Aug 12, 2005 4:38 am
hekategirl says...



Yeah, this is my first story in a while so I think I used 'blobs' in kind of a metaphor poem sense, so i'll have to work that out. Thanks!
***Honorary 11-Year-Old***

Heh-COT-ee-GUR-el

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1258 Reviews



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Reviews: 1258
Fri Aug 12, 2005 4:40 am
Sam says...



Welcomeness!

I liked how you made up the names of the Highers. I don't know, the way you put it reminded me of Abarat...you know, the Johns? Hehe. God, I love weird stories like this. SPIFFY!
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  








Life's short; smile while you still have teeth.
— Tuesday