At the end.. two "tryings" in a row just irks me (pet peeve, I know).
Ok, you have I feel like I’m drunk; my mind reeling and never settling on a single thought, head aching like hell and feeling the need to vomit constantly.
ark! feel drunk? I don't remember the last time I was drunk, so eleborate a bit more, please. reeling is fine and dandy, but I would like something more specific here. Colours seen passing before his eyes even though its pitch black.. something along those lines.. aching head? yeah, we all have headaches, but what kind is it? (yes, I'm being a nit-pick right now)
This can’t be real…can’t be real...still vaguely living on the reassuring cadence of ‘this is all a dream’ slowly rolling through my skull.
ok, with this, I think you can have some fun.. well, fun writing. the "this is still a dream" part, you can keep repeating that through out the segment, without stating it as you have here, and then you have the effect, not the blatent statement. I happen to like the repeating.. but again, that's me. you do repeat it in the next line, but after that, you don't.
if one can't think straight, how on earth is he being this coherent? This is more to do with the POV you're using than anything, I think.
describe the smell of "me" if he can't think straight, maybe just throw in some random smells? no.. maybe not, but something more along those lines.
erm.. not sure about the food references. If you were that hungry, you would be telling yourself not to think about food, with leads to thining about it.. or delibertly distractong yourself from the very idea, which might work for a little while, but how long? maybe expand a bit.. same goes for water.
hehe, last line. quite true, I'll admit, just.. a little over-used in my book. maybe giving him something concrete? a stray thought that does give away why he wants to live? (assuming he does have one, aren't I? well, does he?)
and yet again, you amaze me in some way. jeesh, girl. good luck getting back into the feel of this.
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